Part 6 (2/2)
”In the back,” said d.i.c.k Stolee. ”We got there early enough to stake out the good seats in the rear.”
”The ones next to the restroom,” d.i.c.k Teig explained. ”There's a real sense of security knowing you can be on the road and only one step away from the john at the same time.”
Nods. Smiles. More nods.
Oh, G.o.d. I searched the faces in the group, realizing I was short a couple of people. ”What happened to Nana and Tilly?” I searched the faces in the group, realizing I was short a couple of people. ”What happened to Nana and Tilly?”
”Tilly accidentally flushed her visor down the toilet,” Margi responded, ”so she and Marion are trying to retrieve it. All I can say is, I hope she doesn't plan on wearing it anytime soon.”
Oh, yeah. This was going well. ”Look, everyone, I don't want to spoil your fun, but none of you have ever kayaked before. This is not a wise move. You could end up in back braces and cervical collars. You could aggravate existing conditions.” I nodded toward d.i.c.k Teig. ”What about d.i.c.k's arthritis? Osmond's rotator cuff? Lucille's anxiety?”
”My anxiety's better since my d.i.c.k pa.s.sed on,” Lucille Ra.s.smuson announced. ”I don't have to worry about his cigar ash incinerating the dog anymore. My therapist says I'm a whole new person because of it.”
”Dog?” said Margi. ”I thought you had cats.”
”You have a therapist?” asked Bernice. ”How much does that set you back a week? I bet Medicare doesn't cover it, does it?”
I rolled my eyes in frustration. ”Listen to me! Paddling a kayak is hard work! It requires upper body strength. Stamina. Hand-to-eye coordination. I don't know if any of you should risk --”
”If you're you're gonna do it, how hard can it be?” Bernice challenged. gonna do it, how hard can it be?” Bernice challenged.
Heads bobbing. Murmurs of a.s.sent.
”Who cares about the kayaking,” d.i.c.k Teig enthused. ”We're here...for this!” He waved a sheet of white paper high over his head. ”Right, gang?”
Eight other hands shot into the air, each one waving a sheet of white paper.
I looked from Alice, to Osmond, to Lucille. Uh-oh. Please tell me they weren't holding what I thought they were holding.
”I got extra maps on me,” Bernice said, reaching into her tote bag. ”You wanna buy one? They're sellin' like hotcakes. Five bucks apiece.”
I stared at the stack of paper she yanked out of her tote. Treasure maps.
Oh, G.o.d. She'd sold them to the whole freaking bus!
”It's all my fault,” Tilly anguished minutes later.
An armada of red and yellow kayaks was already splish-splas.h.i.+ng upriver toward the first significant bend, but I was still hanging out by the bus, consoling Tilly. ”Try not to dwell on it,” I urged. ”I have a visor back in the cabin that you can borrow. It won't match any of your skirts, but let's face it. The other one's a goner.”
”That's kind of you, Emily. If only I could repair the damage I've done with the treasure map so easily.” She hung her head woefully. ”In my excitement yesterday, I walked away from the photocopier with new copies of Marion's map, handed her one for the scavenger hunt entry, and forgot to remove the original from the machine.”
”And wouldn't you know,” Nana continued, ”the next person into the copy center is Bernice, who finds the map in the photocopier and decides she can make a financial killin' by sellin' it off as a treasure map. She's already took in over a hundred dollars.” Nana gave her teeth a loud suck. ”I never woulda guessed it, but Bernice has a real gift for commercial sales.”
Tilly heaved a dejected sigh. ”This is so unlike me. The errors in judgment. The forgetfulness. The signs are all there, ladies. Senile plaques. Neuro-fibrillary tangles. Subcortical dysfunction. My brain has neuropathologic disorder written all over it. If I were living among the Polar Eskimos, they'd stick me out on the ice as bear bait.”
”No one's going to stick you anywhere,” I said, giving her arm a rea.s.suring pat.
”Crossword puzzles,” Nana declared. ”One a day is s'posed to keep your brain from turnin' to mush. Kinda like takin' a multivitamin.”
”There's nothing wrong with Tilly's brain,” I defended. ”Stuff like this happens to everyone. It's just that Bernice's little entrepreneurial scheme has mucked things up for us.” I scrubbed my face with my palms and groaned. ”Professor Smoker's killer is supposed to be the only person other than the three of us who has a copy of the treasure map, right? But Nils and company have one. The Brits who were sitting behind me have one. I suspect every pa.s.senger on the bus has one. How are we supposed to single out the real killer if everyone everyone has a copy of the map?” has a copy of the map?”
A pause. Lip chewing. Cogitating.
”I have it!” Tilly's eyes lit with sudden inspiration. ”What if we --”
A torrent of violent splas.h.i.+ng caused us to glance toward the river. Twenty feet from sh.o.r.e, d.i.c.k Teig and d.i.c.k Stolee were engaged in a major water skirmish, armed only with their paddles, their wives, and their waterproof disposable cameras.
”Get a picture of this, Helen!” KER-SPLAT! d.i.c.k Teig slammed his paddle onto the water, drenching d.i.c.k and Grace Stolee in a fountain of spray. ”Bullseye!” he crowed, mugging for the camera.
”Start focusing, Grace!” ordered d.i.c.k Stolee as he paddled hard to starboard. ”Ram-ming speed!” he yelled, aiming his prow at the Teigs' kayak.
”What do you s'pose they're doin'?” Nana asked curiously.
”Reenacting the War of 1812,” said Tilly.
”The whole war?” Nana shook her head. ”I don't think we're gonna be here that long, are we?”
WHOOs.h.!.+ Back-paddling to a sudden stop, d.i.c.k Stolee dug his paddle into the river and rainbowed a tidal wave of water into the Teig's kayak. ”Take that!”
”Oh, G.o.d. I can't watch.” I covered my face and turned away. ”Tell me what happens.”
A strangulated shriek echoed up and down the river.
”That was Helen,” Nana said. ”Uh-oh. Looks like she's just realizing what that water done to her treasure map. Lookit that. It's all fell apart. Guess we shoulda used heavier stock.”
”A minor setback.” Tilly said. ”Wait until she sees what the water did to her eyebrows.” She sucked in her breath. ”All right, Emily. It's safe to look now. They've changed direction. They're going upriver.” She paused. ”Crossriver.” She let out a sigh. ”Downriver.”
”They're paddlin' in circles,” Nana declared. ”You s'pose they'll ever notice?”
Oh, G.o.d. Shaking my head, I turned back to Tilly. ”Okay, what were you saying about how we should go about identifying our killer?”
Tilly parted her lips to reply, then suddenly froze, her eyes widening with alarm. ”I do remember entertaining an excellent idea, but...I...I don't recall what it was.” She thumped her walking stick on the pavement in frustration. ”The two of you should probably go on without me. By the end of the day, I might not remember your names. Goodness, I might not remember my own own name.” name.”
”Not a problem. Just lookit your name tag,” Nana advised, grabbing on to Tilly's arm and dragging her toward the river. ”The real problem is, if we don't get our tushes into one a them boats, we'll never get get to the Secret Falls. You comin', Emily?” to the Secret Falls. You comin', Emily?”
That's what I loved about Nana. No matter the situation, she always managed to stay focused.
The last two-man kayak sat on the boat ramp, directly behind a banana yellow one whose nose was already in the water. An army of young people in Kauai Kayak Adventures Kauai Kayak Adventures T-s.h.i.+rts crowded the ramp, throwing out rapid-fire instructions as they eased the yellow kayak farther into the water for boarding. One of them separated himself from the group and jogged up to us. T-s.h.i.+rts crowded the ramp, throwing out rapid-fire instructions as they eased the yellow kayak farther into the water for boarding. One of them separated himself from the group and jogged up to us.
”Three of you?” He wore a Florida Marlins baseball cap and reminded me of one of the cheery youngsters who directed you to the proper car, tram, or s.p.a.ce s.h.i.+p at Disney World. ”You're in luck.” He whistled down to his companions at the water's edge. ”Hold up launching that one! I've got another pa.s.senger for you!”
After directing Nana and Tilly toward the two-man kayak, he hurried me to the end of the ramp where the yellow kayak sat bobbing in the water. A life jacket and double-ended paddle were shoved at me, and as I donned the jacket, I caught my first glimpse of the person who was snugged into the stern of the craft.
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