Part 7 (2/2)

David was standing behind Daphne as she paced around and aimed the camera in odd angles toward the couch. He seemed a little stoned or nervous. I got the feeling that he wanted to see Alexis naked too. He fingered the belt loops on his pants and breathed awkwardly as he drank three cans of beer in quick succession. Daphne's uncle eventually tried to sneak out of the apartment, growing disinterested. ”Where you going?” Daphne called out. He said he'd see her in the morning, and left without saying good-bye to anyone else. ”Oh well,” said Daphne. She set the camera down and unsnapped her bra. Alexis and Marco hooted their approval and she kept going. Her socks and pants were tossed sloppily in the corner. David nudged me and we followed her lead.

”Check this out,” Marco shouted over the music. He stood up, dropped his pants, and had his p.e.n.i.s sticking out the fly of his boxers. The girls laughed. The mood seemed so much lighter after Daphne's uncle left; it almost floated. I saw Marco's p.e.n.i.s and it was the first time I had seen someone else's p.e.n.i.s. It looked big around the head but the rest of it seemed splotchy and discolored. Daphne took some photos and Marco covered his face, suddenly shy. ”I should get it hard first,” he said. Then he paused. ”Right? We don't want our d.i.c.ks to look small.”

”Nothing looks worse than a dead d.i.c.k,” David said. All of us burst out laughing.

”I'm not helping out in that department,” said Alexis. My antic.i.p.ation was killed a little when she said that.

Daphne's camera turned our way. ”Okay, future rock stars,” she said. She stood on a chair and took shots of us from above. I put my arm around David and he felt tense. He pushed me away a little and said he had to go to the bathroom to check himself out in the mirror. ”We'll use only the best ones!” Daphne shouted after him. She gave me the camera and told me to take over. I wanted to snap a photo of her but she dashed away, following David into the bathroom, saying something about how she didn't like pictures. I thought I heard David getting sick in the toilet.

On the couch, Alexis laughed as she tried to put her bra on Marco. But it wouldn't fit and ended up looking like a weird sling or bandage. I took photos of that, trying to keep Marco's p.e.n.i.s out of the frame. Then I took some really close snapshots of Alexis's lips, legs, and b.r.e.a.s.t.s. She was drinking a lot and posing with a bottle of cheap vodka that was almost empty. I started to wonder if she might throw up, but she reached behind the couch and grabbed a blanket. I put the camera down and joined them on the couch. I squeezed in between them and Alexis slowly closed her eyes as she turned her back to me. I tried to kiss her shoulders but she shrugged me off. I was starting to feel a little dizzy as well. I felt Marco pressing against my backside. I figured if I was going to make a move on Alexis, I wouldn't be able to get rid of him, so I tried to block him from my mind. I felt his hands on my hips, slowly moving to my p.e.n.i.s. All three of us were under the blanket. I wondered what was happening with David and Daphne. I heard the shower in the bathroom.

”She won't let you,” I heard Marco whisper. It took me a second to figure out what he said and what it meant. The music had stopped playing but I could hear Janet Jackson being played from somewhere else. Marco's head went under the blanket and I s.h.i.+fted a little. I could still feel Alexis, warm on one side, as I looked at the ceiling. I felt Marco put me in his mouth, but it hurt and I pushed him off. I turned back toward Alexis and he started to work me with his hand. I stared at Alexis's neck and the spill of her hair on the couch as he touched me more. I moved my hand back and found Marco's p.e.n.i.s. I closed my eyes and flipped over. I heard Alexis breathing, slurry and asleep, on one side of me, and I heard Marco, breathing through his nose quickly, on the other side. We both came on the other's hand. We didn't say anything to each other. I heard the shower turn off in the bathroom. I felt frozen and unsure of what to do next. Marco used the blanket to wipe himself off and nodded for me to do the same. I heard Daphne and David exit the bathroom and slip into Marco's bedroom. David looked pale and weak from vomiting. I pretended to fall asleep, hoping Alexis would wake up or flip over to face me. I thought maybe she wasn't really asleep. I thought about the photos I took of her and then I realized that someone else would see them-the person developing the film. I felt a nervous sickness then.

I slipped off the couch and put my clothes back on. I noticed that it was past 2 a.m. by that time. I stepped outside and breathed in deeply. I thought about getting the film out of the camera and taking it. I tried to go back inside, but I was locked out. I pressed my ear to the door but couldn't hear anything. In a way, it sounded like nothing had happened.

Elvia

During the time I was seeing Daphne and hanging out with the other New Wave kids from Hermiston, I met Elvia, a beautiful and quiet Hispanic girl who dressed more conservatively than the rest. I started to talk to her more and more when she made it up to the Tri-Cities on the weekends. Pretty soon, we decided we would be boyfriend and girlfriend. But first, I had to tell Daphne and stop having s.e.x with her. This was tricky because they worked at the same place, a burger joint called Arctic Circle. After news broke about Elvia and I, Daphne was stone cold to us both. I would come pick up Elvia when she got off her s.h.i.+ft sometimes and Daphne stared hatefully at us. Soon enough, Daphne's anger boiled over and she spray-painted a message for me on a water tower near the highway exit. It said, KEVIN SAMSEL IS A d.i.c.k. I was seeing Daphne and hanging out with the other New Wave kids from Hermiston, I met Elvia, a beautiful and quiet Hispanic girl who dressed more conservatively than the rest. I started to talk to her more and more when she made it up to the Tri-Cities on the weekends. Pretty soon, we decided we would be boyfriend and girlfriend. But first, I had to tell Daphne and stop having s.e.x with her. This was tricky because they worked at the same place, a burger joint called Arctic Circle. After news broke about Elvia and I, Daphne was stone cold to us both. I would come pick up Elvia when she got off her s.h.i.+ft sometimes and Daphne stared hatefully at us. Soon enough, Daphne's anger boiled over and she spray-painted a message for me on a water tower near the highway exit. It said, KEVIN SAMSEL IS A d.i.c.k.

Elvia and I went out for about a year, and even though I had a couple of prior girlfriends, I felt like this was the first girlfriend I could really get into. She was so pretty, with perfect olive-brown skin and thin-but-plump lips that my mouth will never forget. Her face often displayed a s.e.xy pout or a smile so giddy and mischievous that it ignited her whole being. Our s.e.x felt alive and loving and totally open. Plus, she had a mysterious personality that intrigued me. She lived with white foster parents who were very religious and wouldn't even let her listen to Top 40 music in the house. Once, they threw out all the ca.s.settes that she had hidden in her closet. Even her David Hart ca.s.sette. She had cried about that and I tried to ease her pain by making her mix tapes, which were eventually found and thrown out as well.

Her own parents were somewhere not far away, but it was always kind of vague as to why she didn't live with them. Maybe they were too poor.

Sometimes, during the week, because we couldn't see each other, we would write letters. In these letters, she was more goofy than she was in person. She'd crack jokes, make fun of her foster parents, and quote fake Bible pa.s.sages. If she hadn't lived with such conservative white people, she may have been a Goth or a punk.

One week she sent me a serious letter and told me that she was pregnant. I tried to make a plan to see her that weekend (we'd sometimes sneak long-distance phone calls to each other), but she told me she was grounded. She asked me to send her $300 so she could get an abortion. I emptied out my bank account and scrounged up some more tip money and sent cash. A week later she called me and said she hadn't gotten the money yet. I really need it, she said. She was crying. I told her I'd send it again, but this time it would be a money order. But first I went down to the post office and asked them if the letter had not been sent for some reason. I kicked myself for sending cash and my suspicious mind kept thinking that a crooked mailman probably stole the valuable letter. I could picture him sitting in his mail truck, holding it up to the light and glimpsing the hundred-dollar bills through the envelope.

The people at the post office couldn't solve the mystery for me.

Two days later, with a rock of heavy embarra.s.sment in my gut, I had to call Elvia and tell her that I could send her only $150. She seemed disappointed and cold and then told me that she was probably going to move after her upcoming high school graduation. What do you mean? I asked her. I'll tell you later, she said.

Daphne and the other Hermiston Wavers were still coming up to the Tri-Cities on weekends, but Elvia wasn't catching rides with them anymore. I heard from one of them that Elvia had moved away. I had this person snoop around and a couple of months later, I had a new phone number for Elvia. One in Yakima. Someone thought that she had moved there with a cousin. An older Mexican guy.

I called the number one night when Mom and Dad were gone. I was able to sneak long distance calls on our phone sometimes, even though Dad would get mad about it. Elvia answered. I said h.e.l.lo and her voice answered back, sounding shocked and sad, as if she had been caught stealing something. At first, she seemed regretful that she hadn't spoken to me. I asked her why and she became vague and nervous. I told her that I loved her and that I wanted to come see her. Finally, she told me that she had moved to Yakima to live with a new boyfriend. An older guy I knew nothing about. I asked her all the selfish questions: Why did she do this to me? Were they having s.e.x? Was the s.e.x better? Did she ever love me? We both started to cry, but I was trying to stay calm.

Mom and Dad drove up the gravel driveway at that moment. I was using the phone in the kitchen, where they were about to enter, arms full of Kentucky Fried Chicken buckets. ”Get off the phone. It's time to eat,” said Dad. They sat down just ten feet away at the dining room table. I tried to stretch the phone cord into the hallway, but Dad got angry and told me not to pull it so hard. It was already crackly. ”It's time to eat!” Dad shouted. It was as if he and Mom had gotten into a fight on the way home. He was in a foul mood.

”Are you going to go to school somewhere there?” I asked.

”I don't think so,” she said.

”What are you going to do?”

”I'm going to have babies,” she said.

I thought she was saying this to hurt me, to make me give up. ”You're going to have babies with him with him?” I said.

Then Dad walked over and pushed his finger on the hang-up b.u.t.ton. ”Did you hear me?” he said.

”I'm not hungry right now,” I said.

I went to my room and paced around, hoping the tension in the house would decrease. I went out to the kitchen again and told them I wasn't feeling well, hoping that would calm things down. Dad bit into a piece of chicken and tore off a chunk of meat. He was the kind of eater who devoured everything to the bone.

As they ate their dinner, I snuck down the hall and into their bedroom, where the other phone was. I picked it up and called Elvia again. She answered after several rings and started crying. I felt like I was now in the position of comforter and I started telling her that things would be okay and that I loved her. I wanted to ask her what she meant when she said the baby thing, but she was too upset to go back to that.

After a few minutes, a man's voice came on. Her new boyfriend. ”Just leave her alone,” he said. ”She doesn't want to talk to you any more.”

”Yes, she does,” I said. I felt stupid, like I was challenging him to a fight from seventy miles away. ”Who are you?” I asked.

”Look, man, it's over. You're upsetting her.” He said this like he was trying to be cool. ”C'mon, dude.” dude.”

In my head, I tried to imagine her, in this s.h.i.+tty little farm town, crying in the corner of some tiny one-bedroom house. I knew I'd probably never see her again.

I told myself that it wasn't my fault.

Yvette

When I was nineteen, I briefly went out with a black girl from Pasco named Yvette. The first time I saw her, she was wearing a very s.e.xy turquoise dress at a Pasco High School dance. When I introduced her to my brother Matt, I could tell he liked her too and I felt guilty about that. nineteen, I briefly went out with a black girl from Pasco named Yvette. The first time I saw her, she was wearing a very s.e.xy turquoise dress at a Pasco High School dance. When I introduced her to my brother Matt, I could tell he liked her too and I felt guilty about that.

I went to eat dinner at Yvette's house and the food was totally different from what my family ever had. It was soul food. Her mom even called it that.

She was a virgin and we often talked about having s.e.x and where we should do it.

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