Part 8 (1/2)
That evening, after dinner, I found myself thinking about what Luke had said. The idea that I had to first feel the Force before I could employ it made me reevaluate what I had learned so far. Luke had also said that prior to what we tried earlier we had only been using the Force pa.s.sively, to enhance our senses. This made me wonder if I had been tapping the reservoir of Force energy that my body pro-duced. It occurred to me that each living creature generated enough of the Force to keep them aware of and in touch with the world, but to push beyond that required an expanded flow of energy.
It required tapping into the Force itself. Luke said that I had to believe, but that meant letting go of doubts. This brought me back to the realization that my doubts were part and parcel of who I was, and unless or until I could push beyond them, I would be blocked from access to the Force. I felt as if I had to sacrifice myself to be able to feel the Force and use it, and yet I did not want to do that.
Still, my little chamber reeked of sacrifice. The names sunk in the stone made it crystal clear. Porkins and Biggs had died at Yavin, sacrificing all they were and could ever be. Wedge's life had been sacrificed to the Rebellion; his dreams deferred, his access to a life others would consider normal denied. And if I included Luke in the group, he was left with a mission to re-create an order of peacekeepers that his father had destroyed, to be able to rebuild a galaxy his father had helped take apart.
Suddenly my room became cloying and close. Here three men had vowed to put an end to the Empire or to die. Knowing less about their probable futures than I did about mine, having lived less of a life than I have lived, they made their choice; and a similar choice was asked of me. And my choice was easier, since all I needed to let go of were my preconceptions and prejudices, not my flesh and blood and brains and life.
I have to stop thinking and feel. I have to let go. I sighed aloud. Maybe Iella was right, maybe Conlscant's sun will go nova before I can do that.
I fled my room and quickly found myself in the turbolift to the rooftop.
Our moon was slipping behind the gas giant and had turned its face away from it, so we were entering Truenight, not just Twilight night. I expected it to be cold and got a good chill blast of air when the lift door opened. I reveled in the way the breeze sucked warmth from me and hoped my thoughts could be as cold as my flesh.
I knew my fear of change was silly. Intellectually I could see my transition as that of an insect moving from one life stage to another.
The creature was the same, had the same genetic code, but moved into a phase that gave it greater abilities. In my case the greater abilities would bring with them greater responsibilities. I didn't think I was afraid of them, but in the questioning mood I was in, I wasn't sure of anything about myself.
I began a slow circuit around the Temple's squared-off top and saw a figure sitting on the northeast corner. I tried to reach my senses out to see who it was, but they never got very far. He turned to face me, letting the wind tease his fluffy beard, then turned back to look out over the forest and at the black blanket of sky in which billions of stars nested.
I approached him, but hung back several paces to give him s.p.a.ce. ”I didn't think anyone else would be up here, Streen.”
The old man shrugged. ”I am so used to being alone that I can only stand so much in the way of company.”
'Tll leave you, then.”
”No, no need.” Though shadows hid his face as he turned toward me again, I felt an intensity radiating out from his invisi-ble eves. ”You hold yourself in tightly enough that your pres-ence is not painful.”
”Thanks, I think.”
e 'Forgive me. My personal relation skills are not what they should be.”
He smiled as the undulating cry of hunting stintarils seemed to mock him.
”For years my only companions were Bespin rawwks-large black scavengers with leathery wings. They have a rudimentary intelligence. Never taught one a useful trick, but they would come when I had food to feed them.”
I smiled and sat down on the cold stone. ”I've had friends I couldn't say as much about.”
”Gas prospecting on Bespin was lonely work, but I didn't mind.” The old man tapped his head with a finger. ”Kept hear-ing voices in my head, feeling people's moods. Only by getting away could I shut them out. Now Master Luke's training is helping me do that consciously. Don't miss it.
Puts mystery back into life.”
I shot him a bemused smile. ”Mystery?”
”Yeah. Like you, for example.”
”Me?”
”You're very closed, but bits leak out. Pride's hot enough to melt durasteel.” Streen shrugged. ”And pain. Sense of judg-ment cuts like a lightsaber.”
”Really.” My expression sharpened. Streen could easily be taken for a doddering old fool, but he clearly was perceptive. Dismissing him would be doing him a disservice. ”What do you mean?”
Streen chuckled. ”You don't like Gantoris.”
”Doesn't take Jedi skills to figure that out.”
”No, guess it doesn't. He doesn't like you much, either.” Streen sat back, leaning on his elbows and forearms. ”Remem-ber that exercise today?”
”With Gantoris putting rocks in orbit?”
”The same. You shouldn't be discouraged. When Master Luke and Gantoris came to Bespin to find me, they gave me a practical demonstration of how the Force can be used. Gantoris learned to push with his mind to make something move a ways away.”
My head came up. ”I see.” Gantoris already knew how to use the Force to manipulate matter, which is why he excelled at the exercise. Luke didn't call him on it, on this advantage, when Gantoris started in on me. He could have had a thousand rea-sons for not doing that, not the least of which could have been to let Gantoris' words fuel my compet.i.tive sense. I didn't know if that was Luke's goal, or if what had happened would accomplish that goal, but knowing Gantoris wasn't above taking ad-vantage of an opportunity was another datapoint I willingly logged.
Regardless, even that information didn't bring me any closer to feeling the Force.
”Can I ask you a question, Streen?”
”You just did, but I'll give you another.”
”Thanks.” I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees.
”What does the Force feel like to you?”
”It feels like ten kilos of life in a five-kilo box.” His voice gained in strength and lightened in tone. ”I can only feel a trickle now, like dust motes floating in a sunbeam, one by one, just moving through me, but it's just so right there's no describ-ing it. It tickles a bit, feels like a first kiss, or the jolt you feel when the flux in sabacc just makes your hand better than what you were already betting.”
I wanted to quip that I'd had dates like that, but the pure wonderment in his voice would have made the joke sound bit-ter. ”Wow.”
”What's it feel like for you?”
I shook my head. ”Don't know. I'm not feeling it. I think the Force in me is strong enough to let me do little things, but I've not felt what you describe. Nothing even close.”
”You will.”
”I hope so.”
”You will.” Streen's voice sank back to its lower tone. ”Let me ask you a question.”
”Fair trade.”
'Master Skywalker's talked a lot to us about the dark side and how it's selfish and evil and cruel.”
”Right.”
”Okay, now you remember them rawwks I mentioned, how I never could teach one a trick? Well there was this one time there was one that seemed to be smarter than the others. Just a bit, not a whole lot, but a bit. And I thought he had real prom-ise, so I tried to teach him to unfurl one wing, then the other and hop up and down in time with a tune I was whistling. I just wanted to see him dance a little, just a little.”
The loneliness in Streen's voice started to squeeze my heart.
”I'm with you.”
”Now I thought, maybe, somehow, I didn't know how, that if I could just convince him to do it once and reward him, he'd do it more. I was getting real frustrated and even angry. And I guess I used the Force to make him do the dance to the music. Just once. And I didn't hurt him and I gave him food and all.” Streen's voice died amid a cacophony of stintaril howls. ”Was I using the dark side? Was I doing evil?”