Part 10 (1/2)
I was struck with the quickness with which the mind apprehends the simple truth of G.o.d when unprejudiced by interest. I have, without even speaking contemptuously to the Christians of their fasting, taken various opportunities of expressing the liberty of a Christian to fast in such a way, and at such times, as he believes most conducive to his soul's advantage; and have pointed out to them, that to lay the stress on it they do, was quite perverting the very end and design of fasting; for that they are manifestly less afraid of violating Christ's commands than their own regulations, which, as they used them, were purely human. To-day, a question arose between two of them in my presence, about their fasts; and the one stated as clearly as could be wished, the uselessness of burthening their consciences about eating a little b.u.t.ter instead of oil, or such like, instead of seeking to flee from their lies, and drunkenness, and robbery, and cheating. There seems to me such a glorious moral power in G.o.d's word, that my heart never doubts of its producing marked effects, where it can be clearly and fully delivered; but, oh, the language, what a mountainous barrier!
Last night, whilst lying on my bed, on the roof of my house, five b.a.l.l.s pa.s.sed over my head in about as many seconds, so close, that I threw myself off in expectation that the next might hit it or me; at times I almost determined to go down, but the danger of being shot did not appear so dreadful as the suffocating heat down stairs.
_August 4._ _Thursday._--We have received accounts to-day of another messenger from Bussorah, with letters for us, having been stripped.
How trying these dispensations are--how necessary for our peace that our eye should only rest on G.o.d, ordering in love every event concerning us, even to the arrival of a letter, so that he will allow nothing to fail us that is for our good. I have to-day finished reading through again Martyn's Memoir, by Sargent. How my soul admires and loves his zeal, self-denial, and devotion; how brilliant, how transient his career; what spiritual and mental power amidst bodily weakness and disease. Oh, may I be encouraged by his example to press on to a higher mark. When I think of my own spiritual weakness, contrasted with his spiritual power, it brings a striking warning home to my heart to seek a fuller and more abiding union with Jesus, from whom alone flows the living waters that make the branches fruitful; I am not now troubled about that intellectual difference between us, which might seem to make it impossible for me to do what he did: the Lord has made me, blessed be His holy name, contented in this respect with any difference I may feel between myself and his more exalted members; but my sorrow is caused by my want of that likeness to him, who is my Lord and King, which is alike the common inheritance of all the members of his mystical body. May I, however, henceforth make the most of my talent, that I be not numbered among the slothful servants at my dear Lord's most glorious and blessed appearing. The mild seriousness that pervades dear H. M.'s soul has for my heart a great charm. There is not a trait of eccentricity--all is like his Lord in its measure--he was solemn and serious as became his work, yet full of zeal and affection, which shewed itself, however, rather in the steady power of a course of action than in expression. It is astonis.h.i.+ng what the world will endure from a child of G.o.d, whose manner gives them excuse for calling him an interesting eccentric madman; because then all he says they feel at liberty to laugh at; whereas, if the very same truths were declared to them in the calm seriousness of our Lord's manner, it would make them gnash on him with their teeth.
_August 7._ _Lord's day._--This has been a day of trials and tears.
The visions of the night were filled with her I have lost, and the day has been spent in weeping over her, I am soon, very soon, to lose; but this is only nature, my soul rests happily in my Lord. I had given up a little for his dear service! but he knew where the heart's reserves were, and has put his hand on them; yet, blessed hope, that gilds these darkest days--the day of the Lord is at hand, when we shall meet to part no more. Oh, may my heart live with this blessed vision ever before it, and labour each day for the Lord, as though it were to be the waking vision of the morning's dawn. My heart is very sad to think how profitless a servant I have been; but I do purpose, the Lord enabling me, to be more diligent, more devoted in the future.
My mind has been much exercised with the question of the desirableness of keeping a journal of the soul's inmost workings; but after reading and thanking G.o.d for those of others, I feel I never could write one without the fear of its publication, and this would keep my soul in a continual struggle, either by tempting me to say too much or too little, more or less than the truth; for, if any but my most gracious and loving Lord knew me as I am, I should hide myself for ever from the face of man. Yet I pray the Lord, that he will by his Spirit write a journal on my soul, that I may truly feel how very meek and lowly it becomes me to be when I think of all his forgiveness, notwithstanding my transgressions against him. I feel there was something peculiarly gracious in my Lord's not sending me away to my sufferings and trials, till he had given me a cordial, in the a.s.surance of his unchanging love. Oh, but for this, what would my past trials have been, had I not felt a.s.sured my Lord's love did not fluctuate with my feelings, nor depend upon my worthiness. Oh, what a blessed pa.s.sage is that in Rom.
v. ”If, when we were enemies, we were reconciled to G.o.d by the death of his Son, _much more_ being reconciled we shall be saved by his life.” Yet the more I feel of this a.s.surance of such unmerited love, the more hateful sin appears in all its shapes, and the more my soul desires entire devotedness to the whole will of G.o.d, and conformity to my gracious Lord.
_Aug. 9._--A contest has sprung up between the troops and the inhabitants of the city, in which, from the continued firing, I should fear there has been much slaughter. Our neighbours are also again making barricades across the street, near our door. I sometimes think I am too impatient under these trials, instead of being thankful for the mercies I enjoy, and waiting without anxiety upon the Lord to work as seemeth good to Him in his own time. I hope to strive more and more after this childlike confidence, which his experienced love so richly deserves.
I did not expect my sweet little baby would have survived yesterday, yet she has this morning a little revived.
In the hourly expectation of being plundered, I have put such things as I should be sorry to lose in a hole made in the wall, by the falling of a room. Yet I trust I am quite content the Lord should do as he sees best, even with respect to these. I sometimes sigh to join my dear Mary in the kingdom of peace and joy, and be ever with the Lord. Oh, may the Lord fully and quickly make me meet for the inheritance of the saints in light.
_Aug. 13._ _Sat.u.r.day._--The Arabs made an attack on the other side of the town to-day, but were repulsed. Another messenger from Bussorah is arrived, but stripped and plundered of our letters, and detained four days a prisoner by the Arabs. He has been near a month on his way.
Bussorah, like Bagdad, is still besieged.
_Aug. 14._ _Sunday._--My dear little baby and some others of my patients have occupied much of my time to-day; for though I give the people generally to understand, that unless in cases of necessity, I would rather see them on any other day; yet, there are many whom I have felt it to be my duty to see. The remainder of the day, however, was rendered profitless by extreme weariness, I having had to walk about with my poor little withering flower several hours through the night. I feel these trials all arise in what appears to me my present plain path of duty, so they do not greatly trouble me; though the progress in the language is almost altogether in abeyance; but, if I confine myself to my Lord's will, I feel he will manage all for me.
I have had with me to-day an Armenian gunsmith, who has resided some years in Damascus; he says, the Christians there are treated very well, for though they will not allow them to ride on horseback in the city, yet, as inhabitants, they are well treated. He says, they are also very numerous, inhabiting not less than 15,000 houses; but, if from this we deduct 10,000, we shall probably be nearer the truth. The Jews are not so well treated. From Shaum (Damascus) to Beyraut, on the coast, is four days journey, to Acre four, to Tripoli six, to Aleppo ten, and the roads quite safe. From Damascus to Jerusalem is seven days journey, but through an unsafe country. On the journey from this place to Damascus, the only dangerous part of the road is between this and Hit, on the Euphrates, four days journey hence; after that a certain sum is paid to the Arab tribes, you may pa.s.s through. From Persian travellers, whom they hate, they extort, when they know them, a much greater sum, amounting sometimes to from 10. to 20. between this and Damascus. He says, you come to fresh water every second or third day.
_Aug. 19._ _Friday._--Every thing seems darkening in this wretched city. Numbers of poor people are crying at the gates to be let out, that they may not be starved in the city; but they will not let them go. All the necessaries of life have risen to five times their usual price, and the pressure of this is increased tenfold by the time at which it has occurred. The bricklayers, carpenters, every trade has entirely ceased its occupations in the city since the commencement of the plague; so that all day-labourers, such as weavers and others, are thrown out of their employments, and without means of gaining their bread. In addition to this, the Arabs are breaking into every house where they expect to find a little corn or rice, so that it is a difficult choice either to be without provisions in danger of starving, or of being broken in upon by such ruffians, and stripped.
We intend to bury a little box, containing some rice, and flour, and dates, under ground, that in the event of their breaking in, we may yet secure food for a few days, which may give us time to look about.
The Lord, however, is very gracious, and will not try us above our strength, but will magnify his grace even in these scenes of trial and distress. The care of my dear little dying baby has taken my mind much off from dwelling on the distressing position in which we are, and, for aught I at present see, are likely to continue in, for those within the town feel it is their heads for which they are contending, and will therefore hold out to the very last. Yet in this whirlwind the Lord rides and reigns, and no part of the mystical body of Christ, however humble the member, will ever be forgotten: on this we rest and wait for light and deliverance.
_Aug. 23._ _Tuesday._--Sat.u.r.day last they made a sally from the city against a tribe of Arabs, friends of Ali Pasha, and after putting them to flight, and killing 100, they cut off the heads of 150 in cold blood afterwards. It appears that the obnoxious parties within the city are anxious to place the whole inhabitants of the city on such terms with the a.s.sailants that they shall fear the consequences of their entering the town as much as themselves. They have allowed about 5000 of the very poorest to leave the city, but the enemy without will allow no more to pa.s.s. A letter came yesterday to Mr. Swoboda from a Bohemian, who is physician to Ali Pasha, in which he desired to communicate to all the Franks, that Ali Pasha had given the strictest orders to his soldiers not to molest one of them. To a certain extent this manifests good intentions; but we have had too much experience of the powerlessness of governors at such times to restrain their soldiers, to have much confidence in man: our confidence is in Him who will and does watch over us for good. From the daily increase in the price of provisions, and the daily coining new lies to feed the people with hopes instead of bread, I think things cannot remain long in their present position; yet the Lord knows. It is certain Bagdad is altogether ruined; and if those who belong to the neighbouring villages, and those who would leave it, were there ever so small an opening, were gone, the city would be a desert.
I had a patient with me to-day, who told me that, out of a family of sixteen, he alone remains from the plague. Persons he added, who before these troubles were not worth a para, are seen riding about on fine horses and trappings, covered with gold and pearls, &c.; and, on the other hand, many who before were in very good circ.u.mstances, are, by the robbery of those who should protect them, reduced to beggary.
It appears that Ali Pasha is in want of nothing but money and ammunition; and those within the town want every thing but these. This wretched city has suffered to an almost unparalleled extent the judgments of G.o.d within the last six months: the plague swept away more than two-thirds of its inhabitants--the flood has thrown down nearly two-thirds of its houses; and property and provisions of corn, dates, sugar, &c. &c. beyond all calculation, have been destroyed, and we are now suffering under daily increasing famine, and we have yet hanging over our heads the revengeful sword of resisted authority, and the unprincipled plunder of a lawless soldiery to complete the devastation. This Pashalic was just about to fall an easy prey into the hands of the Persians, who long to possess it, from their famous place of pilgrimage, Kerbala, being in the neighbourhood, and perhaps also to make up for their losses on their Russian frontier. Thus the Lord seems preparing these two great Mohammedan powers for their final overthrow, partly by the hands of each other, and partly by the hands of the Christian power. In the province of Kourdistan, the Persians have encroached much on the territory of this Pashalic already.
Oh! how delightful it is to turn from these scenes of present and prospective strife to that happy approaching day, when the Lord shall come with ten thousand of his saints to establish his kingdom of peace and glory. Oh! may our cry never cease to be, ”Come, Lord Jesus, come quickly;” and when he does come, may he find us in his service among the faithful, chosen, and true.
_Aug. 24._ _Thursday._--Three months and ten days have now pa.s.sed since the Lord took from me her who was on earth the supreme consolation of my life; and now, this day, he has taken from me my sweet little baby without a sigh, without the expression of pain during the whole of her illness; for this my heart can, even at this moment, bless the Lord; but it has left a void that has more than ever made the world appear a waste. The incessantly returning wants made even these times appear to wing a rapid flight; but now all is still as death, except the weeping of the poor nurse, who truly loved her, and watched over her night and day with unremitting care. Oh! what a time would these three months have been for dear Mary, had she lived, and what a day would this have been; but the Lord took her from the evil to come, and has now taken the dear little object of her love to her, to join her little sainted sister and dear little brother; four of us are gone, and three are left. May the Lord quickly prepare us all, and hasten his coming kingdom, that we may meet to part no more.
And, Oh! may he make and accept the remnant of the worthless life he grants me, as a living sacrifice to his service. Notwithstanding I acquiesce, I trust, in the Lord's will from the bottom of my heart, yet I feel a desolation and loneliness of heart, on this last dispensation, that surpa.s.ses all I have felt in my last six months of trial. My sweet little baby remained an object for those affections to seize upon, which will exist while life lasts, however disciplined, and however the power of grace may prevail; but in one so weak in faith, so earthly as I am, they have had much, too much power, and therefore the Lord, in mercy to my soul, has swept them all away, that I may have nothing in this world left but his service. If this be his holy purpose, may my whole soul second so gracious an intention; and I pray the spiritual family which the Lord, according to his promise, has given me, fathers, mothers, sisters, and brothers, that their love and patience towards me may abound, that my spirit may be refreshed thereby, and my weakness encouraged to proceed--though faint, yet pursuing.
_Aug. 25._ _Friday._--This day has taught me, that if I would not be entirely miserable, I must give up my whole time, and soul, and thoughts to my Lord; for if I look off him, I feel bordering on a gulf, the depth of which I cannot fathom. Oh! may the Holy blessed Spirit give me such views of the graciousness and exceeding riches of my Lord, that I may really feel, that in having him, I have all things. He alone is the same, yesterday, to-day, and for ever. All created things, the nearest, the dearest, the most beloved in the moment of greatest need and greatest felicity, elude the grasp, and flee away; but he abides always. I desire, therefore, the Lord enabling me, to give myself altogether to the preparation for my future labours more diligently than I have ever yet done; that though desolate on earth, I may hold the freest and sweetest communion with heaven; for of all preparation I feel the greatest, the most needful to be, that of the heart; in order to the constant sensible entertainment of Christ, from whose nearness all the spiritual faculties derive the sap and the fruit bearing strength.
_Aug. 28._--To-day I feel the Lord has given me a victory, by turning my thoughts off my miserable self and temporary circ.u.mstances, to the contemplation of the happiness of those who are gone before me, and by enabling me to feel set off on my journey to meet them, and drawing every day one day's journey nearer, while I endeavour to forget I had ever been happy in domestic life, or ever possessed those dear objects; but nature was often too strong for me, as I dwelt on their felicity, and my journeying towards them daily, whether the Lord brings them with him, or I go before he comes. This hope does comfort me, for it is a real abiding truth, whether I drink the sweets of the consolation from it or not. I therefore now purpose, the Lord enabling me, after nearly six months interruption, to return to the studies preparatory to my future duties as an itinerating missionary. To this service I ever thought the Lord had called me, and for this I now see all his trials have been fitting me, for I am without a home and without a tie in the world, but my dear Lord's service. These trials have made me ready for entering on my work to any extent; as my dear little boys will no longer confine me to one place, but will soon be of an age to move about with me; or should their choice render other arrangements necessary, the Lord will open a way for them likewise.
For an itinerating missionary on this side the desert, three languages are essentially important; Arabic, Turkish, and Persian: and this I feel, unless the Lord very especially helps me, will be _to me_ no ordinary labour; but, as I am surrounded by men who every day learn them for purposes of gain, I trust the Lord will not allow me to faint, or be discouraged till, for his own service I have attained them.
The internal state of the city is daily becoming more and more critical: all the necessaries of life are risen to ten times their common price, and are even then with difficulty obtained. The abominations that are now committed in the face of day, makes the city appear ripe for the judgment of the cities of the plain; and the poor Christians princ.i.p.ally suffer in the persons of their children in these abominable acts of violence; but to seek a remedy now is utterly useless, for all the power in the city is in the hands of the lawless mob, who are the perpetrators of all the wickedness. It makes one's heart ache to hear them weeping and telling of their sufferings.
_August 29._--Last night some of the depredators broke into our house, and have taken away to the amount of about ten pounds from Kitto and myself, while we were all asleep upon the roof of the house, so there was nothing to hinder them from clearing the house; yet the Lord some how or other disturbed them, for though they took my clothes out of a box, they dropped them in their way to the window through which they entered, and a box containing my money in my room they never opened--in fact, it altogether appears they went away without accomplis.h.i.+ng the purpose for which they came, and it so happened that from the constant expectation of the general plunder of the city, we had put away every thing of any particular value. Should we be plundered by the soldiers of Ali Pasha, we may possibly, if our lives be spared, obtain, as Mr. Goodell did, remuneration; but about this I do not feel anxious: the Lord will provide.
From daylight this morning till near noon there was a pretty sharp contest between those within the city and those without, in which the latter got the advantage. My feeling is, that we are very fast approaching to a crisis, and in that crisis our eyes are unto the everlasting hills--to him who says, 'I will never leave thee nor forsake thee,' but who will be with us always even unto the end of the world. Oh! what a relief would a little time of peace and free communication with our dear friends be. The latest letters from England are dated nine months ago; and from many, nay all my dear friends at Exeter, the latest is nearly eleven months; so that all our trials come together. For five months the dear little boys have not set their foot without the door of our house, and I cannot but feel it is a great mercy of the Lord, that they are so happy and contented. I have never heard, during all this time, one word of complaint from them.