Part 36 (2/2)
For a wild moment I yielded to the suggestion ... if I could have him and my art ... but I hope I am not altogether a cad. I saw what all his efforts could not keep me from seeing, that even to do that for me, to get me into his place in Mexico and back again would be a tax on him, and to ask him to do it with a reservation in my mind would be more than I would stand for.
”It isn't fair, Helmeth, my letting you think that anything could pull me away from the stage. It isn't that I don't agree with you about how a husband and wife ought to be with one another, nor that I am not entirely of the opinion that the atmosphere of the stage is not the place to bring up children the way you want yours brought up; it is because not even the kind of marriage you offer me would hold me.”
”You mean that you'd leave me? That you'd go back to it?”
”Well, why not? I left my first husband. I know that wasn't the way it seemed to me then, but that's what it amounted to ... and he fell in love with the village dressmaker.” I had never told him that part of my life; I had never thought of it in the terms in which I had just stated it, I saw him grow slowly white under the sun-brown of his skin.
”I see ... if your only idea in staying with me is that I might----Good G.o.d, Olivia, do you know what you've said to me?”
”Nothing except what is right for you to know. Do you remember, Helmeth, what I told you Mark Eversley called me?”
”A Woman of Genius; I remember.” He was looking at me now as though the phrase were a sort of acid test which brought out in me traits unsuspected before.
”Well, then, I'm those two things, a woman and a genius, and the woman was meant for you; don't think I don't know that and am not proud of it with every fibre of my brain and body. I should have been glad once; if it were possible I'd be glad now to have kept your house and borne your children, and see to it that they brushed their teeth and had hair ribbons to match their clothes.”
”Their mother thought that was important.” He s.n.a.t.c.hed at this as at an incontestable evidence of my being all that I was trying to show him that I was not.
”It _is_ important.... I remember to this day the effect on me of my hair ribbons----” He broke in eagerly.
”If you can see that ... if you understand what their mother wanted ...
things I missed out of my life through having no mother, that I've heard you say you missed partly out of yours ... birthdays and Christmas and good chances to marry when they grow up----”
”I do understand, Helmeth, but what I'm trying to tell you is that I can't go through with it. Those are the things that belong to the woman, that it takes all the woman's time to do the way their mother would have them done, and for me the woman has been swamped in the genius. Oh, I don't say that I'm not a better actress for having tried so long to be merely a woman, for being able even now, to know all that you mean when you say 'woman'; but there it is. I am an actress and I can't leave off being one just by saying so.”
”And I can't leave off being a proper father to my girls. I owe them the things we've been talking about just as I owe them a living. I suppose I should have married for their sakes, supposing I could get anybody to have me, even if I hadn't found you. And I don't want finding you to mean anything but the best to them.” I had nothing to say to that, and he went back to a thought that had often been between us. ”We ought to have married when we were young,” he insisted as though somehow that made a better case of it, ”if you hadn't begun you wouldn't have been called on to leave it off.”
”The point is that it won't leave _me_. Genius--I don't know what it is except that it is nothing to be conceited about because you can't help it--isn't a thing you can pick up or lay down at your pleasure; it's a possession.”
I could see that he didn't altogether follow me, that he was not very far removed, and that only by his admiration for me, from the Taylorvillian idea that to speak of yourself as a genius was to pay yourself an unwarrantable compliment, and that the most I could get him to understand of the meaning of my work, was what grew out of his being a most competent workman himself. He went back to the original proposition.
”Does that mean, then, that you are not going to marry me?”
”It means that I'm not going to leave the stage to do it.”
”It seems to me to mean that you don't love me as you have professed to.
Oh, I know how women love ... good women.”
”Helmeth!”
”I beg your pardon, Olivia.” We stood aghast at what we had brought upon ourselves; across the breach of dissension we rushed together with effacing pa.s.sion. After all, I believe I should have gone with him if he had had the wit to know that the point at which a woman is most prepared for yielding is the next instant after she has just stated the insuperable objection. Whether he knew or not, the whole of his outer attention was taken up with the purchase of pump fittings.
Understand that I didn't for a moment suppose that I had lost him, that I didn't believe anything but that I could go to him at any moment if the whim seized me, that I couldn't in reason pull him back if the need of him arose. I finished out my vacation at resorts up and down the California coast, warm with the certainty that I should see him in New York the next winter.
CHAPTER VIII
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