25 Chapter 23 (1/2)
I was sane once. It was horrible.
—EINSAM GESCHICHTENERZÄHLER
For a time Gehirn enjoyed the gentle swaying, allowing it to lull her like her mother never did. When she finally cracked open an eye, she found herself sprawled across Erbrechen's litter. The Slaver, fat, greasy, and ugly, sat beside her. When Erbrechen noticed Gehirn's attention he beamed his fat baby smile. It didn't reach his eyes, though. They glistened cold, both calculating and terrified.
”You must love me,” said Erbrechen. ”I need you to love me. You love me.”
Gehirn did. Erbrechen was beautiful. Caring and giving, he personified everything a true friend could ever be.
”I do love you,” said Gehirn, and though she meant it, she clearly remembered the moment she realized she was little more than a tool. Knowledge hadn't set her free. Her prison remained unchanged no matter how much she might currently enjoy imprisonment and wors.h.i.+p her jailer. She thought back to Konig. They use me for my power and care nothing for who I am. Had anyone ever genuinely loved or even cared for her? Or am I somehow unlovable? Was the fault hers or theirs? Or was she drawn to people who would abuse her?
”I know you do . . . even if you're a lousy cook,” Erbrechen said with grim humor. When he saw Gehirn's confused look he continued. ”There would have been enough soul stew for everyone had you not burned the meat.” He laughed, sending waves through jiggling fat. The laughter gave way to a petulant scowl.
”Sorry,” muttered Gehirn, levering herself into a sitting position. Erbrechen's mob of friends had grown considerably. More survived than Gehirn expected. Come to think of it, she had not really expected anyone or anything to survive her fire.
She remembered. ”You hit me.”
Erbrechen snorted. ”I saved you. You should thank me.”
She had no choice. ”Thank you.”
”You are welcome. But, in the future, I think I shall keep you a little closer.” Erbrechen laughed deprecatingly. ”This is a body built for comfort, not for speed.”
”Sorry.” Her heart soared. She'd be close to her love. If he just understood how I feel, maybe he'd feel something for me. How could she show him? She wanted to reach out, to touch him, caress his soft skin.
She lifted a hand and Erbrechen frowned at it. ”Don't think I don't value your friends.h.i.+p,” he said.
Her soaring heart crashed to the ground. Erbrechen will use me and toss me aside. ”Never,” she said.
”And don't say I never do anything for you.”
”Never.”
”Good, because I love you dearly. You are my closest friend.” Erbrechen laughed happily. ”Get it? You are inches from me. You are my closest friend!”
Gehirn laughed in spite of herself. ”Are you sure there isn't a small boy tucked up your a.r.s.e somewhere?”
Erbrechen's eyes widened in mock outrage. ”Well, now that you mention it,” he admitted, ”I had wondered where the lad had got to.” He suddenly lost his joking demeanor. ”I need you.”
Gehirn beamed, happy to be needed if not actually loved. ”I won't let you down again.”
”I know. I am going to keep you very close indeed.”
The closer the proximity, the more control. Gehirn said nothing, her happiness evaporating.
”Our last little experience taught me something,” mused Erbrechen. ”Though I need my friends, it is myself who I must most rely upon. This destiny is mine.” He shook his head and looked apologetic. ”My friend, I need your strength, but I must also safeguard my strength. I am pivotal. Central to everything. When I Ascend to G.o.dhood it will because of my actions.”
He thinks using me to burn cities is something he can claim as his own? Gehirn's flash of anger died the moment she looked at Erbrechen.
”I can no longer share the soul stew,” he said, ignoring Gehirn's fearful whimper. ”I'm not sure it worked for you anyway.” He beamed at the Ha.s.sebrand. ”Not to worry. My destiny will protect both of us. The stronger I am, the safer you are,” he explained reasonably.
GEHIRN RODE THE litter beside Erbrechen, never allowed more than a few feet from the Slaver. Erbrechen's influence sat on her like a great weight crus.h.i.+ng her chest. She could barely breathe. The pain and rage of perceived betrayals fell away. Not forgotten, but unable to raise its head against Erbrechen's dominating will.
Konig never used his power like this, and Gehirn wondered, in those rare moments when Erbrechen was distracted, if the Theocrat was even capable of such malignant intent. Konig was undeniable when he set his mind to something, but this felt different. Where Konig inspired loyalty and a desire to serve, Erbrechen demanded thoughtless devotion. Was Konig less powerful, or did his Gefahrgeist power simply manifest differently? Did Erbrechen's past define the parameters of his power? What of her own past? She'd always a.s.sumed she could blame her parents, but what if she'd been born broken? Gehirn thought she'd ask Aufschlag when she returned to Selbstha.s.s.
Maybe the pompous scientist's little experiments aren't so useless after all.
Brutal storms hammered the horizon in every direction. Here in the eye the thunder was deafening, but little touched them. Heavy clouds occluded sun and sky and made it impossible to tell night from day. All life became a monotony of gray. The storm moved with them and Gehirn knew Regen still lived, though she hadn't seen the scrawny shaman in some time. The lands they traveled had first been visited by Regen's poorly controlled storm. Fields of corn and grain lay crushed flat by tornado winds and hail. Most of the trees stood cracked and wounded, burned and blasted by lightning.
Erbrechen scowled at the filthy mob surrounding his litter and Gehirn enjoyed the temporary freedom to feel used and enslaved.
”I'm sorry,” Erbrechen said softly, shaking his head. ”So, so sorry.”
Gehirn stared, stunned. ”What?”
”I know you love me.” He lifted a hand toward her, frowned at it, and then returned it to his fat thigh. He blinked and tears leaked down round cheeks. Never before had she seen such crus.h.i.+ng sadness.
He loves me! He just doesn't know how to show it! That she understood all too well. Emotions were so difficult to communicate, and love most of all.
”Everyone loves me,” he said. ”Everyone. How can I know who really loves me?” He glanced at her, his eyes red and pleading for understanding. ”They have to.”
”I love you,” she said. Then she remembered those moments at the edge of Erbrechen's reach. Slaver.
”Of course you do.” He offered a lopsided smile. ”Everyone does.” He looked past her and said, ”I'm so alone.”
You're not alone. You'll never be alone as long as I am at your side. The moment his attention wandered, her heart cracked. You are a fool. He cares nothing for you. No one does.
THE CARAVAN STOPPED at three more small cities and their numbers swelled. At this pace, a journey taking Gehirn three days would take Erbrechen and his friends two weeks.
But Erbrechen grew in power with every city and town that fell under his influence. Certainly the range at which he was able to infect people had grown considerably. The last city—a fortified town Gehirn didn't know the name of—had been tightly bottled and awaiting their arrival. Archers lined the walls and a dozen Geisteskranken of differing ilk stood with them. The Ha.s.sebrand had been sure she would be called, once again, to burn. The desire thrummed through her like her soul was a plucked string.
Instead Erbrechen gestured to Gehirn to remain sitting and levered himself, with much grunting and straining, into a sitting position. Erbrechen bellowed at the walled city at the top of his lungs, talking about how much he cared about its populace and how much he needed them. Within minutes the gates opened and the city's leaders filed out, followed by its army and cadre of Geisteskranken. Everyone apologized at great length for the misunderstanding and any inconvenience Erbrechen may have felt. Once-proud men and women, begging forgiveness, offered daughters and sons as gifts. Erbrechen grandly waved away the apologies as if nothing had happened, but took a boy and two girls onto the litter.
The Slaver's distraction hurt like a kick in the guts. Gehirn felt like a child scorned by her mother, hating and yet still needing.
Erbrechen's new friends spent a rushed hour raiding their own city for valuables and food, and the procession was once again moving. The litter, now carried by fresh men and women not yet weakened by their service to the Slaver, swayed rhythmically as the mob flowed across the land.