Part 9 (1/2)
”She won't do anything. She wants her money too. Who else would take her bottom floor and pay what I do?”
”You sure about that? I think it's time to go someplace else for a while is what I think. But you think about it while I'm out. You focus on it without getting high first, if you can, and when I come back you tell me what you came up with, okay?”
She had to know how he'd feel, didn't she? Hadn't he jumped out of bed right after she said it and volunteered to go shopping with her? But she insisted she wanted to go alone so he could think, in other words, worry. That was Rina in a nutsh.e.l.l-Runaway Rina he'd nicknamed her in his mind a long time ago-who'd run away from home as a teenager, and never came back first from Vineland to Atlantic City, then from A.C. to San Francisco, and finally from New York with him to Fort Lee. Come to think of it, his own mother would sometimes leave or threaten to leave him and his father too, whenever she wanted to get back at them for some perceived deficiency or slight, of which the world had no end, of course-so why take the lackings of the world out on your family? The vibrating was getting worse and he was feeling more and more cold. He pulled the blankets up on his shoulders and tried to get warm.
He thought of something else then. A woman who looked like Rina could do anything and might well be doing it right now with anybody. He pictured her b.r.e.a.s.t.s-smallish but with oversized nipples, when they erected. He'd never seen nipples like that before, and knew he never would again. They were once-in-a-lifetime nipples-he was only thirty-four but he already knew that. The first time he saw them erect he'd nearly come just from looking at them. How could she have done him the way she did just a few hours ago and then gotten angry enough that she'd leave him like this? There was no logic with Rina, ever, so he could never relax with her. The slightest thing could upset her and then he'd worry that she'd leave him or else screw someone else, which amounted to the same thing.
He got out of bed and took a Quaalude from the bureau. What would his father have done in this situation? He'd been with his own Rina all those years. Of course it was absurd to compare himself to his father who was so much more mature and honest and who barely even drank, much less took any drugs. His father was emotionally strong all right, in a way he never could be. He'd stayed over forty years with Stacy's mother-a woman he should have left but didn't. What hadn't he endured? The death of his parents, his brothers and sister. Career frustration, raising two difficult children, especially him. But never drank, never really complained, even after his stroke from which he finally pa.s.sed. He always tried to help everyone, particularly his hypochondriacal wife. Never cheated either and even quit smoking on his own at the age of sixty-two.
His father was physically strong too. Once during a family vacation in Atlantic City when he was only seven or eight, he went in the ocean holding his father's hand because the waves were big, enormous to his child's eye and stronger than any water he'd ever felt. It was a little scary because he couldn't really swim much then and when the waves came they'd crash over his head and knock him down. But his father never stopped holding his hand. He could feel his hand underwater as if it were stronger than the surf, then feel and see it again when he emerged from below. He remembered laughing, squealing with delight, and his father laughing too, only letting go of his hand when they reached the sand in front of the boardwalk.
How exciting yet strangely innocent the boardwalk was then! Little kids ran freely up and down it laughing and yelling and carrying their cotton candy like magic wands. There was a funhouse then, around where the Taj Mahal was now, and horses still dove into the ocean from the old steel pier. One time his family went to the Miss America pageant and he picked the winner, young as he was, Miss Ohio, which made his mother marvel at him. Still, what he remembered most was jumping the waves with his father, holding his hand firmly as they crashed over him.
But this was becoming too painful to think about. What was the point of getting things you loved if you could never get them back again, if you could only lose them, as if life was nothing but an extended game of hide-and-seek? And now Rina was playing another form of hide-and-seek with him.
He decided not to wait for the Quaalude to hit and began smoking the joint he'd left for her on the bureau. It was the right decision, he said to himself, as he finally lay back under the blankets.
When she walked into the tiny kitchen carrying the groceries he was still lying down pretending not to be high. She began putting the food away quickly and didn't answer him when he said h.e.l.lo.
”So did you do some thinking?” she finally said, coming into the room at last.
”Yah, I did.”
She stood in front of him dressed in her tight blue jeans, staring at him, waiting.
”How'd you like to go to Atlantic City?” he said.
They were driving at least five miles under the speed limit so they wouldn't risk being stopped (not trusting the landlady, they'd decided to bring their whole stash with them) when he sensed something, a kind of tense quiet that permeated the closed-in s.p.a.ce of the car. For a minute he debated whether to ask her what it was-always a dangerous question these days. If only she'd followed his advice and taken a hit before they left or at least had a Xanax, but she was stubborn that way. She was trying to set an example. He turned on a rock radio station he thought she'd like (he would have preferred jazz or cla.s.sical), but her mood didn't change. That was her method when she wanted to talk about something-to just disappear into a cone of silence until he couldn't take it anymore.
”You're being pretty quiet,” he said, deciding to play it halfway.
”I'm just wondering about things.”
”What things?”
”I'm wondering why Atlantic City? Why exactly are we going there?”
”I thought you liked to go swimming, you always did before.”
”I do like swimming but there are plenty of other places we could go on the sh.o.r.e where we could swim.”
”It's the same ocean, isn't it? And Atlantic City has the boardwalk.”
”So you think we have the money to stay in a hotel there?”
”I told you not to worry about money, baby. We can afford to stay there for at least a few nights.”
”And I guess you don't plan to do much gambling then?”
”Not if you don't want me to,” he said, silently congratulating himself, not only on his answer, but because he thought he really meant it. ”So have I answered all your questions?”
”Some of them.”
”Only some of them?”
”I have issues with Atlantic City too, you know.”
Then he remembered that she used to work as a dancer there (before they met in New York), and she might have done some hooking too. He'd never asked her too much about that. Atlantic City was also where she went first when she ran away; he could understand her mixed feelings.
”So what do you want? You want to forget all about it and just turn around?”
”I don't see why we can't go to a quieter place to swim and cool out and be together. Some place like Ventnor or Longport, that's less tempting.”
”What do you mean tempting? What would you be tempted to do?” he said, thinking of her dance routine again.
”I'm not tempted to do anything there. I was thinking of you.”
”Me? Why me?”
”I don't know. I can't help thinking you're planning a meeting with some big-shot dealer there. I'm afraid you'll be tempted to make some kind of score.”
He felt his heart beat but kept his cool. Could she somehow know about Ike? Ike had really seemed to care about him, especially after his father died, giving him some prime territory to deal in. A few months ago, in fact, he heard that lke had moved to Ventnor for a little peace and quiet. This was too good to be true, yet it was true. He could visit him in Ventnor and Rina couldn't possibly object to that. He wouldn't have to set foot in Atlantic City except to visit the beach where he'd swam with his father. He could meet Ike in a clean, family-oriented place where he could even bring Rina.
”Okay, we can stay in Ventnor,” he said. ”That's cool.”
She took his hand which in itself made it all worth it. ”Thanks, sweetie,” she said smiling.
”I like you, Stacy, you're a good kid. Whenever you're in Atlantic City you look me up and I'll take care of you. You look me up and I'll set you up, deal?”
That's what Ike had said to him the last time he saw him, a few years ago in Harrah's. There was always work from Ike and good money too. Sometimes he even gave him a girl and he'd get a free b.l.o.w. .j.o.b as a tip. Ike was a first-cla.s.s guy all around. He only dealt with the best people: first-rate dealers, hookers, and clients-all top of the line. Even when he'd moved to New York and started getting out of the business a little, Ike still kept in touch.
”Tough without your old man, huh?” he'd once said to Stacy, putting his arm around him in the Taj Mahal. ”Wish my kid loved me the way you love him ... You know, Stacy, maybe you should go back to college. That's what your old man wanted. He told me that more than once.”
”Really?”
”Sure, you were always on his mind. He even told me once while we were playing bridge. Your old man was one h.e.l.l of a bridge player too.”
”Did you ever tell him ... ?”
”About the work we do? Course not. You think I'm crazy? Your old man never suspected a thing. He was as innocent and pure as a child. I loved the guy like a brother. You let me set you up with something big-a one-time deal I'll give to you instead of my own son, and then you go back and get your degree. Then we'll see about your future.”
Sure enough, in less than a month he'd set him up with a killer deal. ”I offered a deal like this to my son Dominic, but he thinks he's such a big shot in Vegas now that he don't need this no more,” Ike had said with bitterness. ”Believe me, he'll live to regret it.”
So Stacy took the deal, although he never finished college.
He was remembering all this while Rina was sleeping next to him in the motel room in Ventnor. He wouldn't postpone visiting Ike any longer. It was simply a question of explaining it to Rina. He was sure she'd be reasonable about it.
When he finally brought it up, they'd just come back from a swim, walking to their room with arms around each other's waists, hands sometimes tapping each other's bottoms. The ocean always had that kind of effect on him, and on her too. Once in the room they had s.e.x quickly-not even bothering to smoke first. He felt hot and happy and it seemed a good time to tell her (even though he was straight).