Part 81 (1/2)
She went through it very well; and seemed to suffer even less than did her aunt. She had done nothing to spread abroad among the public of Hadley that fiction as to Sir Omicron's opinion which her lord had been sedulous to disseminate in London. She had said very little about herself, but she had at any rate said nothing false. Nor had she acted falsely; or so as to give false impressions. All that little world now around her knew that she had separated herself from her grand husband; and most of them had heard that she had no intention of returning to him.
She had something, therefore, to bear as she sat out that service; and she bore it well. She said her prayers, or seemed to say them, as though unconscious that she were in any way a mark for other women's eyes. And when the sermon was over, she walked home with a steady, even step; whereas Miss Baker trembled at every greeting she received, and at every step she heard.
On that afternoon, Caroline opened her heart to Adela. Hitherto little had pa.s.sed between them, but those pressings of the hand, those mute marks of sympathy which we all know so well how to give when we long to lighten the sorrows which are too deep to be probed by words. But on this evening after their dinner, Caroline called Adela into her room, and then there was once more confidence between them.
”No, no, Adela, I will never go back to him.” Caroline went on protesting; ”you will not ask me to do that?”
”Those whom G.o.d has joined together, let not man put asunder,” said Adela, solemnly.
”Ah, yes; those whom G.o.d _has_ joined. But did G.o.d join us?”
”Oh, Caroline; do not speak so.”
”But, Adela, do not misunderstand me. Do not think that I want to excuse what I have done; or even to escape the penalty. I have destroyed myself as regards this world. All is over for me here. When I brought myself to stand at that altar with a man I never loved; whom I knew I never could love--whom I never tried, and never would try to love--when I did that, I put myself beyond the pale of all happines. Do not think that I hope for any release.” And Lady Harcourt looked stern enough in her resolution to bear all that fate could bring on her.
”Caroline, G.o.d will temper the wind to the shorn lamb, now as always if you will ask him.”
”I hope so; I hope so, Adela.”
”Say that you trust so.”
”I do trust. I trust in this--that He will do what is best. Oh, Adela! if you could know what the last month has been; since he came to the house!”
”Ah! why did he ever come?”
”Why, indeed! Did a man ever behave so madly?”
The man she here alluded was Sir Henry Harcourt, not Mr. Bertram.
”But I am glad of it, dearest; very glad. Is it not better so? The truth has been spoken now. I have told him all.”
”You mean Sir Henry?”
”Yes, I told him all before I left. But it was nothing new, Adela. He knew it before. He never dreamed that I loved him. He knew, he must have known that I hated him.”
”Oh, Caroline, Caroline! do not speak like that.”
”And would not you have hated him had you been tied to him? Now that sin will be over. I shall hate him no longer now.”
”Such hatred is a crime. Say what you will, he is still your husband.”
”I deny it. What! when he called me by that name, was he my husband then? Was that a husband's usage? I must carry his name, and wearily walk with that burden to the grave. Such is my penalty for that day's sin. I must abandon all hope of living as other women live. I shall have no shoulder on which to lean, hear no words of love when I am sick, have no child to comfort me. I shall be alone, and yet not master of myself. This I must bear because I was false to my own heart. But yet he is not my husband. Listen to me, Adela; sooner than return to him again, I would put an end to all this world's misery at once. That would be sinful, but the sin would be lighter than that other sin.”
When she spoke in this way, Adela no longer dared to suggest to her that she and Sir Henry might even yet again live together. In Adela's own mind, that course, and that alone, would have been the right one.
She looked on such unions as being literally for better or for worse; and failing to reach the better, she would have done her best, with G.o.d's a.s.sistance, to bear the worst. But then Adela Gauntlet could never have placed herself in the position which Lady Harcourt now filled.
But greatly as they differed, still there was confidence between them. Caroline could talk to her, and to her only. To her grandfather she was all submission; to her aunt she was gentle and affectionate; but she never spoke of her fate with either of them. And so they went on till Adela left them in July; and then the three that were left behind lived together as quiet a household as might have been found in the parish of Hadley, or perhaps in the county of Middles.e.x.
During this time Lady Harcourt had received two letters from her husband, in both of which he urged her to return to him. In answer to the first, she a.s.sured him, in the civilest words which she knew how to use, that such a step was impossible; but, at the same time, she signified her willingness to obey him in any other particular, and suggested that as they must live apart, her present home with her grandfather would probably be thought to be the one most suitable for her. In answer to the second, she had simply told him that she must decline any further correspondence with him as to the possibility of her return.