Vol 2 Chapter 5 (1/2)

Chapter 5 - Forward

On the first day after Golden Week was over, he was on duty as the library representative. Haruka and Satomi, who had their club activities taken into consideration, were put in charge during the lunch break, so they went to the library room after finis.h.i.+ng their lunch in ten minutes.

“Your work is to put the returned books back onto the shelves, do you remember how to look at the cla.s.sification number?”

Nao, the library committee president asked with a soft smile. He thinks that the library room does suit his fair skin better than the pool.

“I remember.”

Haruka answers. Satomi was just looking at Haruka, looking like she has no self-confidence.

“Then, you may use the cart there.”

After saying only that much, Nao went back to the counter. In the acrylic box, there were about thirty books that have gone through the return procedures. Though the consecutive holidays did just end, it’s a considerable amount. When he looks at the cla.s.sification numbers, most of them were j.a.panese literature, so putting the whole box on the cart, Haruka decided to head towards the j.a.panese literature shelf first.

“Nanase-kun, what did you read?”

Satomi asked while putting a book back on the shelf. She’s talking about the book report. Once a month, the library a.s.sistants have to submit a book report to be published in the ‘News from the Library Room’.

“’The Old Man and the Sea’.”

“Uwah, Hemingway? That’s amazing.”

He doesn’t know if it’s amazing or not. He doesn’t know who Hemingway is, either. He just randomly read something that was on his father’s bookshelf.

“What did you write in the book report?”

“I wrote that it was wasted effort.”

“Wasted effort?”

“It took him days and he caught a huge fish, but it ended up getting eaten. Of course it’s wasted effort.”

“Aah…… Na-Nanase-kun, what else do you read?”

“Stuff like ‘Moby d.i.c.k’ and ‘The Crab Cannery s.h.i.+p’.”

“Th-that’s amazing. What was it like to read them?”

“In ‘Moby d.i.c.k’, his foot got eaten, and the harpoon seemed painful, too. ‘The Crab Cannery s.h.i.+p’ seemed smelly.”

“Aah… I-I, I like reading books, I read a lot like ‘Anne’ [of Green Gables] and ‘Pippi’ [Longstocking], but I’m in middle school now, so I tried challenging myself with ‘The Makioka Sisters’. By Tanizaki Junichirou. It was difficult at first, and I didn’t really understand it, but when I thought that it was somewhat like ‘Little Women’––”

“I’ve read Tanizaki, too.”

It seemed like she’d keep chattering on and on, so he’ll break her off for now. She doesn’t talk much in the cla.s.sroom, yet she talks a lot here. She must really like books. But you have to be quiet in the library room.

“Ohh, what did you read?”

“’A portrait of Shunkin’.”

“Uwah, that’s the ultimate pure love, huh. I thought of reading it.”

“But, it seems painful.”

“……”

After that, Haruka and Satomi kept working in silence. Thanks to Satomi having become quiet, they made good progress, by the time they finished putting away the j.a.panese literature, the acrylic box’s contents had decreased to half.

When Haruka began to push the cart a little as he was going to move to the next shelf, someone blocked the way. When he lifted his gaze to see who it could be, Haruka gulped.

––Kiris.h.i.+ma Ikuya.

After glaring at Haruka once from beneath his long eyelashes, he transfers that gaze to Satomi.

“Ikuya-kun––”

Why are you here? Why are you glaring at me with those eyes? Satomi’s confusion emerged in her voice.

“Satomi––, why’d you join the swim club?”

“I-Ikuya-kun, in a place like this……”

“Why!”

Ikuya’s powerful voice resounded in the library room and Nao showed his face from the counter.

“Oi, be quiet. ––Hm? You, you’re Kiris.h.i.+ma, huh. Natsuya’s little brother.”

After looking at Nao, Ikuya returned his gaze to Satomi and when he began to say something, Makoto and Aki came into the library room.

“He’s here. Tachibana-kun, over there!”

Aki points her finger and the two of them come running.

“Hey! Don’t run in the library room!”

Scolded by Nao, Makoto notices them.

“Ah, Nao-senpai. And Haru, too––”

He doesn’t really understand the situation, but it looks like they were both chasing after Ikuya. Turning around his heels and leaving a dark gaze, Ikuya pushed Makoto aside and ran out of the library room.

To Haruka and the others, who are following Ikuya’s back with their eyes, Satomi suddenly apologizes.

“I’m sorry.”

As he wonders why Satomi is lowering her head, this time Aki apologized.

“I’m sorry. I ended up saying it.”

He can’t follow the conversation at all. Nao is looking at the two of them with a puzzled expression, too. And so, sending a glance to Makoto, he requested an explanation.

“You know, Kiris.h.i.+ma-kun seemed lonely at his seat, so I spoke to him. Asking if he’s doing club activities. Then, he told me he’s fine without it because he goes to a Swimming Club……”

Aki takes over after him.

“I was nearby so I overheard, and I said that if he goes to a Swimming Club, then what if he joined the swim club. That his friend Nii-san joined, too.

And then, Makoto takes over again.

“Then, Kiris.h.i.+ma-kun stood up all of a sudden and asked ‘Really?’. So, when I nodded, he ran out and we hastily chased after him……”

He more or less understood. If he gets involved any further, nothing good will come out of it. In order to get back to work, Haruka pushed the cart. If he does something like this, he won’t be able to finish during lunch break. As he tried to slip past Makoto with hurried steps, he grabbed his arm.

“Nii-san, would you mind telling us?”

Keeping her gaze cast down, Satomi nods to Makoto’s words. She should’ve refused. It feels like his grabbed arm will end up getting numb. Makoto’s overdoing the weight training a little. Could he be planning on becoming a body builder or something?

Like she had resolved herself, Satomi lifted her face. Then, she started to talk after taking a deep breath.

“Ikuya-kun and I are childhood friends because our houses are close. The swim club’s captain, Natsuya-kun is Ikuya-kun’s older brother, and we call him Natsu-nii, the three of us played together a lot since we were little. We often ate at each other’s houses and had sleepovers, too. Right after we started going to elementary school, Natsu-nii suggested that we go to a Swimming Club, and from then on, the three of us started going to Bandou SC. Natsu-nii and Ikuya-kun’s dream was to swim in the relay together at the Olympics……”

Remembering the distant past, she smiled a little, but she came back right away and the smile disappeared.

“They attended, having a dream like that, but a year ago, Natsu-nii quit the Swimming Club. It wasn’t because of club activities, he said it was for Ikuya-kun’s sake….. Ikuya-kun doesn’t have any friends. He can’t get along well with people…..”

To cheer up Satomi who was casting her gaze down again, Nao directed a soft smile towards her.

“If Ikuya can’t make friends, why did Natsuya quit the SC?”

Satomi firmly grits her teeth and lifts her face again.

“Ikuya-kun gets angry easily over the smallest things. It seems that he can’t stand it when he’s teased or about to lose a contest…… But after he got angry, he always feels terribly down about it, and wondering why he got angry, it seems that he starts to really hate himself. That’s why he can’t really make friends, and doesn’t try to, either. He says that even if he becomes friends with someone, he’d be hated again anyways……”

The end of her sentence trembled. Maybe it’s a painful memory for Satomi, too, and not just Ikuya. Taking a breath, Satomi breathes it out along with the feelings she’s been bottling up/keeping sealed up.

“So that’s why, even though the three of us were always together, Natsu-nii said that because he’s there, he’ll forever be babying Ikuya-kun, so he quit the Swimming Club. By leaving Ikuya-kun, he tried to get him to stand on his own feet…… From Ikuya-kun’s point of view, it seems that he could only think of it as him betraying their dream, and ever since then, it looks like they haven’t talked to each other properly…… Even at Bandou SC, they won’t put him in matches because he gets angry when he loses, so he gets needlessly irritated…… And despite all that, because I joined the swim club where Natsu-nii is, I think he couldn’t forgive me for it. I’m really sorry for making you all worry so much.”

Satomi deeply lowers her head again. Both Makoto and Aki just steadily watched Satomi. All they could do was watch.

Nao lightly peers at Satomi, who was keeping her head lowered.

“It’s not Nii-san’s fault. It’s because Natsuya is running away. He’s scared of facing his little brother. He may not look like it, but he’s timid. I’ll tell Natsuya. That he ought to face him properly.”

Encouraged by Nao’s soft smile, when Satomi lifts her face, a single teardrop travelled down her cheek.

While lamenting over it in his heart that lunch break will be over shortly, Haruka vaguely felt his left arm that got its circulation cut off had gone numb.

After school––. As Haruka and Makoto were walking down the hallway on their way to club activities, they heard Satomi’s voice.

“I already quit Bandou SC!”

It was an unusually loud voice, so Haruka decided to turn back without hesitation. But as he was about to turn around, he ended up getting grabbed by Makoto again. He’s flabbergasted: why is this guy so meddlesome? As Haruka gives up and is taken along, it was Ikuya’s voice that they heard next.

“Why!”

“I decided to try my best at the swim club. I want to swim with Aki-chan and the others!”

This is that rumored ‘lover’s quarrel’ thing. One shouldn’t interfere. Aki was there, too, beside Satomi. Turning down his long eyelashes, Ikuya looks like he’s going to cry at any moment.

“……Why. Why is it coming to this. We were always together until now, weren’t we? …… Why are you leaving me all of a sudden!”

“Sorry, Ikuya-kun. It’s not that I came to hate you, really. But, it’s because I have things that I want to do, too…… I want you to understand.”

“I don’t get it. Why does Satomi––”

“By being babied, there’s no moving forward.”

It wasn’t the kind of line to say while Makoto is grabbing onto his arm, but he couldn’t help saying it.

Ikuya and Satomi look at Haruka. None of his business–– you could say. He thinks so himself. Makoto and Aki look at Haruka like they weren’t expecting it. The one who most thinks that it’s unexpected is Haruka himself.

“…… Someone like Nanase, what do you know about it!”

It’s a reasonable opinion. He doesn’t know anything.

“Ikuya-kun.”

Satomi reprimands him. But Ikuya’s eyes didn’t leave Haruka. His gaze that releases a dark and piercing light shoots through Haruka.

––This is it. It’s those eyes!

There’s no doubt about it. It’s just as he had expected it. He has the same eyes as he did at that time. Haruka received that gaze head-on. Then, he returns it head-on. He can see it. He can see all the way into the depths of his eyes. While a gloomy ‘darkness’ coiled around him, Ikuya was struggling. Screaming like he’s going to cry at any moment, he was painfully grimacing.

–– It’s the same. As me at that time…… Ikuya is me from that time.

“What does Nanase know! Like you could ever know!”

Ikuya began to run to try to get away from Haruka’s eyes.

“Ikuya-kun!”

He shakes off Satomi’s voice who’s hot on his heels. When Satomi runs to chase after Ikuya, Makoto and Aki followed after her, too. If Ikuya ran away with all his strength, they probably can’t catch up.

Haruka was remembering the day when Rin announced that he’s going to Australia beneath that cherry blossom. He thought it was distasteful. He thought that he can go off to wherever he wants to. Then, he got overly irritated.

He wanted to hurry up and sink his body in the water, he thought.  He wanted to hurry up and be released from this irritation, he thought. He wanted to be healed by the water, he thought. He wanted to escape into the water, he thought––.

The moment he realized that he was escaping into the water, he felt like he was going to collapse. He tried to deny that weak self. –– Then, he rejected the water.

Continuing to deny it, beyond that rejection was a gloomy ‘darkness’. There he was, staggeringly walking in that abyss. He was wandering while being tormented by hopeless self-hatred. Hesitating, shaking, he was struggling.

His eyes from that time overlapped with Ikuya’s eyes. That’s why he couldn’t help saying it. Having said it doesn’t mean that something would change, but he wasn’t capable of leaving his self from that time alone.

Ikuya is unmistakably the Haruka from that time.

Ikuya ran. He was running frantically. Satomi’s voice doesn’t reach him anymore. Nevertheless, he kept running. His emotions had no outlet unless he was running. It doesn’t mean that something becomes unbound just because he ran. But it seemed like his chest would end up bursting unless he ran.

Why doesn’t Satomi understand? Why’s she trying to leave him? The resentment that had nowhere to crash into swirls in the depths of his chest again.

–– By being babied, there’s no moving forward.

Haruka’s words are brought back to his ears. It’s not that he was angry or scorning him. He just inexpressively stared at Ikuya. With a gaze that seemed to be looking somewhere far off into the distance……

When those eyes stared at him, he felt his heated emotions rapidly cooling down. While understanding that he’s peeking into the very depths of his eyes, he couldn’t avert his eyes. He thought that he didn’t even mind being looked at. Is it possible that maybe, he wanted someone to look at him? Perhaps he wanted someone to understand. There was something in Haruka’s eyes that made him think that.

As his feelings cooled down, he suddenly came to hate himself. It’s always like that. Denying his self that had gotten heated up, he’s embarra.s.sed that it ended up happening. While knowing that he’ll feel down about it like that, but he still can’t hold back the heated feelings.

Ikuya, who had suddenly regained his calm from Haruka’s gaze, couldn’t stand to be there anymore and started running.

–– By being babied, there’s no moving forward.

Was he being babied? Using his irrepressible emotions as an excuse, were Satomi and Natsuya just babying him? Or was he babying himself? He had never thought about it.

It’s due to his own weakness that he can’t hold back his emotions. He was able to acknowledge that. He had no choice but to acknowledge it. Using that weakness as an excuse and becoming defiant, was he babying himself? If that’s the case, if he were to become stronger and overcome that babying, where in the world would he be advancing to?

–– There’s no moving forward.

That’s what Haruka said. Was Haruka being babied by something, too? Could he be overcoming that and trying to move forward? For Ikuya, what would moving forward be? Is it swimming? Is it living on his own? …… He doesn’t know. There’s no way he could know.

–– d.a.m.n!

He’s irritated at himself for not knowing anything. Where in the world is Haruka trying to advance towards. It’s possible that maybe, the path that Ikuya has to choose is there, too. He wanted to know. He thought that it was worth to at least know. Even if he has to join the swim club where his older brother who had betrayed him is––.

While struggling in the darkness, Ikuya was trying to reach out his hand towards a faint light.

“Natsu-nii……”

While eating dinner, Ikuya called his older brother’s name. He hasn’t once called that name for a few months, or at the very least, not since entering middle school. With the curry rice scooped up, forgetting to carry it to his mouth, Natsuya opened his eyes wide. Even while he loudly swallows what’s in his mouth, his eyes don’t leave Ikuya. His eyes couldn’t leave him.

“Natsu-nii. I decided to join the swim club.”

Natsuya, who had his eyes wide open, opens his mouth, too. But no words come out of it.

“It doesn’t mean that I’ve forgiven Natsu-nii. Or Satomi for doing as she pleases and quitting the SC…… But for the sake of moving forward, I have to join the swim club no matter what.”

“Fo-forward……”

That’s all Natsuya said at last.

“I’m moving forward. For the sake of proving that I’m not the me anymore who was babied until now––”

“Ikuya……”

After he put down his spoon, Natsuya suddenly stood up and turned his back to Ikuya.

“Didn’t you say that the swim club is halfhearted playing?”