Part 40 (1/2)

He smiled, even though it must have hurt his mouth to do so. 'Which lie? I've told so many.'

She didn't return the smile. 'The one about Miles being Felicity's lover. The game would have been up the moment I confronted him.'

'Ah, but the damage would have been done. Would you have believed his denial? Every time he kissed you, you'd have wondered if his lips had kissed your sister's before yours. I know how you hated the thought of being second best to Felicity.'

Determined not to rise to the bait, she said, 'But the photograph put an end to it all, didn't it? Did you know I would find it eventually?'

'No. I didn't know she'd kept it. We had an agreement that only I would keep pictures of the two of us together. It was a good one, wasn't it? Caught me at my best, I like to think.'

Again she refused to be reeled in. 'It was clear from the last few emails you and Felicity exchanged that she was going to leave Jeff for you. But according to what you said earlier, she'd stayed with him to give the children the stability you couldn't provide. Why the U-turn?'

'What you have to understand is that the really important things in life often happen to us through a snap decision. A decision made by instinct. You don't decide to fall in love; it just happens. When it's the real thing, there's no s.h.i.+lly-shallying involved. You suddenly know for sure that you have to be with that person or life has no meaning.'

'What provoked the snap decision in Felicity's case, then?'

'She'd had enough. Plus Jeff had started to suspect that she was having an affair. He was becoming irrational. He got drunk once and threw some of Felicity's things out of the window. He was also accusing her of being unfaithful in front of the children.'

'Did he suspect you?'

'Why would he? He thought I was gay.'

'You really think - ?'

He suddenly held up a hand. 'Enough! More than enough of you playing the grand inquisitor. Now it's my turn to ask a question. It's the reason I wanted to talk to you in the first place. I've kept it to myself all this time, but I don't want to carry my suspicions alone any more. Have you ever wondered about the accident that killed Felicity and Jeff?'

'What kind of a question is that? I think about it practically every day.'

'But have you wondered if it was an accident that could have been avoided?'

'You're not suggesting - '

He leaned forward, placed his elbows squarely on the table, his battered face inches from hers. 'I'm convinced Jeff deliberately made no effort to avoid that car. I think he was mad at Felicity because she'd finally told him she wanted to leave him, and he took matters into his own hands.'

A tremor of fear ran through Harriet. She swallowed. 'You have no proof of that.' Her voice was little more than a whisper.

'I have the memory of the last conversation I ever had with Felicity. She said she'd just told Jeff that she wanted to leave him.'

The tremor grew and Harriet feared she might be sick. The thought of Felicity knowing, in the last seconds of her life, that she had driven her husband to kill them both was too horrifying to take in. 'Then you must accept your part in their deaths,' she said, fighting hard to keep her composure. 'If you hadn't been so obsessed with Felicity they'd both be alive today.'

'You think I don't wake up every morning reminding myself of that?'

She shook her head wearily. 'Oh, Dominic, how do you live with yourself?'

'I exist, Hat. Nothing more. I'm the swimming lad the mermaid took for her own, and now I'm drowning.'

'Have you told anyone else about this?'

'I just told you, I've kept it to myself all this time.'

'Good. I don't want the children ever doubting their parents. I want them to grow up feeling proud of their mother and father. You must swear on whatever is most precious to you that you will never utter to another living soul a word of what you've just said. Because if my father hears about it, he will kill you. I'm serious; he will tear you apart, slit your throat, rip out your insides. He'll do just about anything to exact his revenge on you for depriving him of his favourite daughter.'

'Who knows, maybe I'll spare him the trouble.'

They left the wine bar at chucking-out time. Harriet offered to give Dominic a lift to Miles's flat down by the river, but he refused. 'I need some fresh air,' he said. 'Unless that was a subtle attempt on your part to see Miles. He'd probably appreciate seeing you.'

'No. I'll talk to him another time. I'm too tired now. I need to get to bed; I have a busy day tomorrow. When are you going back to Cambridge?'

'I think I'll slip away quietly in the morning. I shouldn't take advantage of my brother's hospitality any longer than necessary.'

'I'm amazed he's let you stay at all.'

'That's because he's one of life's incorrigible optimists. A shame he never got into religion; he'd have made a wonderful evangelist, always hoping for a quick conversion. He'd love nothing better than to prove to me his way is better than mine.'

'His way is infinitely better than yours, Dominic.'

'But it hasn't got him what he wanted, has it?'

'I don't know. What is it he wants?'

'Oh, Hat, haven't you figured that out? He wants you, of course.'

She frowned. 'Is that one last try to stir things up?'

'You really are hopeless when it comes to matters of the heart, aren't you? Why do you suppose Miles did this to me?' He raised a hand to his face. 'Think also of the poem he read that night at Novel Ways. It was written for you, when you were s.h.a.gging Will and he thought he'd lost you. Now give me a gentle hug goodbye so that I know we're friends again.'

In spite of everything that he'd said and done, Harriet put her arms round him and kissed his cheek. He was such an integral part of her life - and her sister's - she couldn't say goodbye without making her peace with him. A car went slowly past in the slushy snow, illuminating them with its headlamps. A voice shouted out, 'Phwoar! Give her one mate!'

They both smiled. 'Take care you horribly sick, perverted man,' she said.

He kissed her again. 'Take care yourself, you hard-hearted b.i.t.c.h. I shall await an invitation from you to eat crumpets by your cosy fireside one day. Maybe Miles will be there too. Oh, and just so that I can be sure of having the last word, remember that in a really dark night of the soul it is always three in the morning, day after day. Also, the big, crucial questions are unanswerable. Goodbye, sweet thing.'