Part 18 (2/2)

She closed her eyes, wrapping her arms back around her knees again. ”I'm so sorry that happened to you, Sean.”

”Do you think I should apologize to my mom?”

I held my breath. Sean hadn't spoken to our mother in ... well, pretty much as long as me. And I was starting to realize, maybe I wasn't as innocent as I thought. I mean, I know kids, when their parents separate, always wonder if it was their fault.

But I've got pretty good reason to suspect it was mine.

After a few seconds, she answered him. ”I think you should consider it. One of the things we have to learn to do in life is forgive people. And that's hard. But when you forgive someone, it helps you as much as it does them. Probably more.”

”Do you think she'll forgive me?” he asked.

”For what you said to her?”

”No. For having Asperger's.”

She took in a sharp breath. Jesus, that poor screwed up kid. Why did he think he needed forgiveness for being who he was? She didn't jump in with an off the cuff, immediate answer. She didn't say some empty phrase to rea.s.sure him. Instead, she thought about it and said, ”I don't know your mom, Sean. But anyone can see she loves you. I think it's a start.”

”I'll be down in a few minutes, then.”

”Okay,” she said. ”I'll give you some time alone.”

She leaned forward and rose from her sitting position. Then she stopped and turned toward him, knelt down, and kissed him on the top of his head.

I should have walked away, instead of standing there, obviously eavesdropping. As she approached the door, I heard Sean say to her, ”Julia, will you be my friend? Even if you and Crank don't end up ...” He trailed off, unable to articulate whatever it was he'd intended to say.

She answered that immediately. ”Sean ... I can't get involved with your brother. He's ... the one thing I have left in life is control. And I can't give that up. But being your friend? I already am.”

Then she stepped out into the hall and nearly walked into me.

Immediately her face flashed fear. Not anger, which I expected. Rage, that I'd been eavesdropping, that I expected. Especially anger that I'd heard her secrets, that I'd heard her fear of loss of control. But instead, her eyes went wide when she saw me. It was definitely fear.

”How much of that did you hear?” she whispered.

”Too much,” I replied.

She took a deep breath and looked me in the eye. She spoke quietly, but firmly. She was giving an order, her lips tight, her tone of voice demanding. ”I don't need to say anything about you and me. But your brother-I'm his friend. Don't you dare get in the way of that.”

And then she walked around me, back straight, her shoulders thrown back, and went down the stairs.

I stood there for a few more seconds, watching her go. And I couldn't do anything but admire her courage, her compa.s.sion. I wanted her. I wanted her so badly I was shaking. And for the first time since I was a preteen, standing up on a stage and shouting obscenities wasn't going to get me what I wanted.

I had no idea what to do.

CHAPTER TEN.

A little shaky (Julia) It was time for me to go. I'd b.u.t.ted my way into one too many family arguments already tonight, but something about Sean made me fiercely protective. He was a good kid-a nice kid who had been through way too much and didn't even understand why other people thought he was odd.

My stomach turned at the thought that Crank had overheard my discussion with Sean. That he knew what Harry had done to me. I never discussed it with anyone. Ever. Once I had with Lana. She was the only person in the world other than Harry and me who knew the whole story, and look what she'd done. She'd used it to hurt me.

I hadn't planned on suddenly trusting anyone. But this was much worse-I certainly hadn't planned on trusting someone with it unintentionally. And while I was intrigued by Crank and more than a little attracted to him, I didn't trust him. Handsome, charming man? No. Never again.

Mrs. Doyle was gone when I got back downstairs. Jack, Tony and Margot were sitting at the kitchen table, a beer in front of each of them. It was six o'clock already, dark outside and probably cold as h.e.l.l, and I'd taken the T to South Boston rather than driving. Which meant I'd have to get a ride from Crank back to Broadway Station when he came back downstairs. I could walk it, but as cold as it was outside, I really, really didn't want to.

Maybe I could get a ride with Tony instead.

”Sit down, grab a beer,” Jack said to me.

Tony leaned over toward the fridge, still in his seat, and pulled a bottle of beer out for me. I twisted the top off and took a seat. I would need to go soon, but at the very least, I had to wait until Sean and Crank came back down.

”I want to apologize,” Jack said. ”I'm sorry you had to see all that.”

I shook my head. ”It's okay. I've got a family, too-I get it. Things happen we wish ... hadn't.”

Jack and Margot both gave me odd, curious looks after I said that. I ignored them. I'd done all the sharing I was planning on doing for the next five years. I already felt raw, exposed. Normally I walked around in a coc.o.o.n of quiet, as if my emotions were wounds packed with cotton and gauze. Now that protective cover felt as if it had been ripped off and might start bleeding again any moment.

”It's time I got going,” Margot said.

Jack sighed, and the look of longing in his face couldn't be ignored. I didn't understand what had happened to Jack and Margot, but whatever it was, it hadn't dimmed their love for each other.

”I'll walk you out,” he said.

They stood, and that's when Sean appeared in the doorway, trailed by Crank.

”Mama?” Sean's face looked open and vulnerable, though his eyes were turned away, focused on the wall.

She looked as if the weight of all the regrets in the world had slammed into her, leaving her gasping for breath. ”Yes, Sean?” she said.

When he spoke, his tone was subtly different than normal. I'd mostly heard him sounding monotone, his voice pitched just a little higher and louder than normal conversation. Now, he spoke quietly, and there was a rich undertone of sorrow in his words. ”I'm sorry.”

At the words, her eyes instantly went red and wet with tears. The look of relief on her face was painful to watch. She slowly approached him. His eyes were still turned away, but he put his arms out and very awkwardly hugged her.

Margot choked back a sob. ”I love you, baby,” she whispered.

They broke apart, and she looked at him, and he looked at the wall.

”I'll come see you again soon. Is that okay?”

He nodded his head, stiffly, his eyes still looking off toward the wall. ”I'd like that.”

I covered my mouth with my right hand and sniffed. It almost hurt to watch the awkward, painful interchange between them. This was too much. Too much emotion, too much pain, just too much. I needed to get back to my room, get a good book to read, and escape. Get grounded again, get back in control of the feelings that were twisting through me like a storm, tearing down levees and buildings and leaving me directionless and confused. Jack and Margot walked out into the living room, and Sean walked out as well, without a word to the rest of us. I didn't know what it had cost him to make that apology. But I knew he'd gained a lot more from it.

I stood, a little shaky. ”Crank ... can I get a ride from you to Broadway station?”

”I'll take you home,” he said.

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