Part 76 (1/2)

CANTO II

After seven hours' sleep, to commute for pains taken, A man of himself, one would think, might awaken; But riding, and drinking hard, were two such spells, I doubt I'd slept on, but for jangling of bells, Which, ringing to matins all over the town, Made me leap out of bed, and put on my gown.

With intent (so G.o.d mend me) t' have gone to the choir, When straight I perceived myself all on a fire; For the two forenamed things had so heated my blood, That a little phlebotomy would do me good: I sent for chirurgeon, who came in a trice, And swift to shed blood, needed not be called twice, But tilted stiletto quite thorough the vein, From whence issued out the ill humours amain; When having twelve ounces, he bound up my arm, And I gave him two Georges, which did him no harm: But after my bleeding, I soon understood It had cooled my devotion as well as my blood; For I had no more mind to look on my psalter, Than (saving your presence) I had to a halter; But, like a most wicked and obstinate sinner, Then sat in my chamber till folks came to dinner: I dined with good stomach, and very good cheer, With a very fine woman, and good ale and beer; When myself having stuffed than a bagpipe more full, I fell to my smoking until I grew dull; And, therefore, to take a fine nap thought it best, For when belly full is, bones would be at rest: I tumbled me down on my bed like a swad, Where, oh! the delicious dream that I had!

Till the bells, that had been my morning molesters, Now waked me again, chiming all in to vespers: With that starting up, for my man I did whistle, And combed out and powdered my locks that were grizzle; Had my clothes neatly brushed, and then put on my sword, Resolved now to go and attend on the word.

Thus tricked, and thus trim, to set forth I begin, Neat and cleanly without, but scarce cleanly within; For why, Heaven knows it, I long time had been A most humble obedient servant to sin; And now in devotion was even so proud, I scorned forsooth to join prayer with the crowd; For though courted by all the bells as I went, I was deaf, and regarded not the compliment, But to the cathedral still held on my pace, As't were, scorning to kneel but in the best place.

I there made myself sure of good music at least, But was something deceived, for 'twas none of the best: But however I stay'd at the church's commanding Till we came to the 'Peace pa.s.ses all understanding,'

Which no sooner was ended, but whir and away, Like boys in a school when they've leave got to play; All save master mayor, who still gravely stays Till the rest had made room for his wors.h.i.+p and's mace: Then he and his brethren in order appear, I out of my stall, and fell into his rear; For why, 'tis much safer appearing, no doubt, In authority's tail, than the head of a rout.

In this rev'rend order we marched from prayer; The mace before me borne as well as the mayor; Who looking behind him, and seeing most plain A glorious gold belt in the rear of his train, Made such a low conge, forgetting his place, I was never so honoured before in my days: But then off went my scalp-case, and down went my fist, Till the pavement, too hard, by my knuckles was kissed; By which, though thick-skulled, he must understand this, That I was a most humble servant of his; Which also so wonderful kindly he took, (As I well perceived both b' his gesture and look,) That to have me dogg'd home he straightway appointed, Resolving, it seems, to be better acquainted.

I was scarce in my quarters, and set down on crupper, But his man was there too, to invite me to supper: I start up, and after most respective fas.h.i.+on Gave his wors.h.i.+p much thanks for his kind invitation; But begged his excuse, for my stomach was small, And I never did eat any supper at all; But that after supper I would kiss his hands, And would come to receive his wors.h.i.+p's commands.

Sure no one will say, but a patron of slander, That this was not pretty well for a Moorlander: And since on such reasons to sup I refused, I nothing did doubt to be holden excused; But my quaint repartee had his wors.h.i.+p possess'd With so wonderful good a conceit of the rest, That with mere impatience he hoped in his breeches To see the fine fellow that made such fine speeches: 'Go, sirrah!' quoth he, 'get you to him again, And will and require, in his Majesty's name, That he come; and tell him, obey he were best, or I'll teach him to know that he's now in West-Chester.'

The man, upon this, comes me running again, But yet minced his message, and was not so plain; Saying to me only, 'Good sir, I am sorry To tell you my master has sent again for you; And has such a longing to have you his guest, That I, with these ears, heard him swear and protest, He would neither say grace, nor sit down on his b.u.m, Nor open his napkin, until you do come.'

With that I perceived no excuse would avail, And, seeing there was no defence for a flail, I said I was ready master may'r to obey, And therefore desired him to lead me the way.

We went, and ere Malkin could well lick her ear, (For it but the next door was, forsooth) we were there; Where lights being brought me, I mounted the stairs, The worst I e'er saw in my life at a mayor's: But everything else must be highly commended.

I there found his wors.h.i.+p most n.o.bly attended, Besides such a supper as well did convince, A may'r in his province to be a great prince; As he sat in his chair, he did not much vary, In state nor in face, from our eighth English Harry; But whether his face was swelled up with fat, Or puffed up with glory, I cannot tell that.

Being entered the chamber half length of a pike, And cutting of faces exceedingly like One of those little gentlemen brought from the Indies, And s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g myself into conges and cringes, By then I was half-way advanced in the room, His wors.h.i.+p most rev'rendly rose from his b.u.m, And with the more honour to grace and to greet me, Advanced a whole step and a half for to meet me; Where leisurely doffing a hat worth a tester, He bade me most heartily welcome to Chester.

I thanked him in language the best I was able, And so we forthwith sat us all down to table.

Now here you must note, and 'tis worth observation, That as his chair at one end o' th' table had station; So sweet mistress may'ress, in just such another, Like the fair queen of hearts, sat in state at the other; By which I perceived, though it seemed a riddle, The lower end of this must be just in the middle: But perhaps 'tis a rule there, and one that would mind it Amongst the town-statutes 'tis likely might find it.

But now into the pottage each deep his spoon claps, As in truth one might safely for burning one's chaps, When straight, with the look and the tone of a scold, Mistress may'ress complained that the pottage was cold; 'And all 'long of your fiddle-faddle,' quoth she.

'Why, what then, Goody Two-Shoes, what if it be?

Hold you, if you can, your t.i.ttle-tattle,' quoth he.

I was glad she was snapped thus, and guessed by th' discourse, The may'r, not the gray mare, was the better horse, And yet for all that, there is reason to fear, She submitted but out of respect to his year: However 'twas well she had now so much grace, Though not to the man, to submit to his place; For had she proceeded, I verily thought My turn would the next be, for I was in fault: But this brush being past, we fell to our diet, And every one there filled his belly in quiet.

Supper being ended, and things away taken, Master mayor's curiosity 'gan to awaken; Wherefore making me draw something nearer his chair, He willed and required me there to declare My country, my birth, my estate, and my parts, And whether I was not a master of arts; And eke what the business was had brought me thither, With what I was going about now, and whither: Giving me caution, no lie should escape me, For if I should trip, he should certainly trap me.

I answered, my country was famed Staffords.h.i.+re; That in deeds, bills, and bonds, I was ever writ squire; That of land I had both sorts, some good, and some evil, But that a great part on't was p.a.w.ned to the devil; That as for my parts, they were such as he saw; That, indeed, I had a small smatt'ring of law, Which I lately had got more by practice than reading, By sitting o' th' bench, whilst others were pleading; But that arms I had ever more studied than arts, And was now to a captain raised by my deserts; That the business which led me through Palatine ground Into Ireland was, whither now I was bound; Where his wors.h.i.+p's great favour I loud will proclaim, And in all other places wherever I came.

He said, as to that, I might do what I list, But that I was welcome, and gave me his fist; When having my fingers made crack with his gripes, He called to his man for some bottles and pipes.

To trouble you here with a longer narration Of the several parts of our confabulation, Perhaps would be tedious; I'll therefore remit ye Even to the most rev'rend records of the city, Where, doubtless, the acts of the may'rs are recorded, And if not more truly, yet much better worded.

In short, then, we piped and we tippled Canary, Till my watch pointed one in the circle horary; When thinking it now was high time to depart, His wors.h.i.+p I thanked with a most grateful heart; And because to great men presents are acceptable, I presented the may'r, ere I rose from the table, With a certain fantastical box and a stopper; And he having kindly accepted my offer, I took my fair leave, such my visage adorning, And to bed, for I was to rise early i' th' morning.

CANTO III.

The sun in the morning disclosed his light, With complexion as ruddy as mine over night; And o'er th' eastern mountains peeping up's head, The cas.e.m.e.nt being open, espied me in bed; With his rays he so tickled my lids that I waked, And was half ashamed, for I found myself naked; But up I soon start, and was dressed in a trice, And called for a draught of ale, sugar, and spice; Which having turned off, I then call to pay, And packing my nawls, whipt to horse, and away.

A guide I had got, who demanded great vails, For conducting me over the mountains of Wales: Twenty good s.h.i.+llings, which sure very large is; Yet that would not serve, but I must bear his charges; And yet for all that, rode astride on a beast, The worst that e'er went on three legs, I protest: It certainly was the most ugly of jades, His hips and his rump made a right ace of spades; His sides were two ladders, well spur-galled withal; His neck was a helve, and his head was a mall; For his colour, my pains and your trouble I'll spare, For the creature was wholly denuded of hair; And, except for two things, as bare as my nail, A tuft of a mane, and a sprig of a tail; And by these the true colour one can no more know, Than by mouse-skins above stairs, the merkin below.

Now such as the beast was, even such was the rider, With a head like a nutmeg, and legs like a spider; A voice like a cricket, a look like a rat, The brains of a goose, and the heart of a cat: Even such was my guide and his beast; let them pa.s.s, The one for a horse, and the other an a.s.s.

But now with our horses, what sound and what rotten, Down to the sh.o.r.e, you must know, we were gotten; And there we were told, it concerned us to ride, Unless we did mean to encounter the tide; And then my guide lab'ring with heels and with hands, With two up and one down, hopped over the sands, Till his horse, finding the labour for three legs too sore, Foaled out a new leg, and then he had four: And now by plain dint of hard spurring and whipping, Dry-shod we came where folks sometimes take s.h.i.+pping; And where the salt sea, as the devil were in 't, Came roaring t' have hindered our journey to Flint; But we, by good luck, before him got thither, He else would have carried us, no man knows whither.

And now her in Wales is, Saint Taph be her speed, Gott splutter her taste, some Welsh ale her had need; For her ride in great haste, and * *

For fear of her being catched up by the fishes: But the lord of Flint castle's no lord worth a louse, For he keeps ne'er a drop of good drink in his house; But in a small house near unto 't there was store Of such ale as, thank G.o.d, I ne'er tasted before; And surely the Welsh are not wise of their fuddle, For this had the taste and complexion of puddle.

From thence then we marched, full as dry as we came, My guide before prancing, his steed no more lame, O'er hills and o'er valleys uncouth and uneven, Until 'twixt the hours of twelve and eleven, More hungry and thirsty than tongue can well tell, We happily came to Saint Winifred's well: I thought it the pool of Bethesda had been, By the cripples lay there; but I went to my inn To speak for some meat, for so stomach did motion, Before I did further proceed in devotion: I went into th' kitchen, where victuals I saw, Both beef, veal, and mutton, but all on 't was raw; And some on't alive, but soon went to slaughter, For four chickens were slain by my dame and her daughter; Of which to Saint Win. ere my vows I had paid, They said I should find a rare fricasee made: I thanked them, and straight to the well did repair, Where some I found cursing, and others at prayer; Some dressing, some stripping, some out and some in, Some naked, where botches and boils might be seen; Of which some were fevers of Venus I'm sure, And therefore unfit for the virgin to cure: But the fountain, in truth, is well worth the sight, The beautiful virgin's own tears not more bright; Nay, none but she ever shed such a tear, Her conscience, her name, nor herself, were more clear.