Part 10 (1/2)
She got up, came around the table, squirmed onto his lap, put her arms around his shoulders and neck, and drew his head in to hers. She put her lips to his, then paused. ”Open your mouth,” she said.
Surprised, he did so. She put her open mouth to his and pressed hard. Her tongue came through and touched his.
Astonished, Geode froze, not in horror but for fear that anything he might do would disrupt the experience. For the first time, with a woman, he felt the tug of a reaction.
She withdrew. ”Did I go too far?”
”I think I started to get hard,” he said, awed.
”You did? Oh, Geode, I'm so pleased!” She let go, grabbed his head, and pressed it to her bosom.
He felt the warm resilience of her two b.r.e.a.s.t.s, his chin at the decolletage of her low negligee, his mouth and nose across the cleavage formed by the pressure of his face. Her left nipple pressed against his right cheek. He felt another tug. He was reacting to a woman!
In a moment she realized this. ”Yes! Definitely!” she exclaimed. ”Let's go to the bedroom-no, that's too far away. Here.” She lifted her negligee, spread her legs, and sat on him, face to face. She reached down, opened his fly, and squirmed closer to make the connection.
But it didn't work. His nascent erection fled, and no penetration was possible. none collapsed against him, her head beside his. ”It got to be too much like s.e.x,” she said. ”The spontaneity was gone.”
”But I wanted it!” he protested.
”Yes, but your unconscious censor doesn't. When I kissed you, when I hugged you, that was emotion, not s.e.x. That was all right. Then I got too physical, and turned you off.”
”But I really liked what you did! You were so-so expressive. You liked me.”
She lifted her head. ”I forgot the act, I was myself,” she said. ”I showed real emotion, and you picked up on that.”
”You-it wasn't real?”
She stared into his eyes. ”Oh, Geode, I told you last night. I don't want to be thrown out on the street. I'm trying to please you, I'm trying very hard. I'm not usually like this. I never threw myself at my husband like this! But you're not used to this, you want what's real, and I'm not giving you that.” Her eyes overflowed. ”Geode, I'm sorry. I'm toying with your emotions and hurting you.”
”But-but when I complimented you, weren't you pleased?”
”Yes! I was thrilled! You liked what wasn't part of the show-” Her eyes widened. ”I kissed you with real pa.s.sion, the way I wanted to. And then I hugged you, so happy. Geode, those things were real”
”And if you loved me, for real-”
Her streaked face froze. ”I never said love! I stayed well clear of that word. I can't-there was never love in my marriage, it was for convenience-and now I need a place to stay-I never deceived you in that!”
He continued to look at her, feeling a lump in his throat. She had told him. She had been fair.
”And there's the key,” she said, her tears still forming. ”You are physically impotent. I am emotionally impotent. If I could give you what you truly want, you could be potent with me. Your unconscious understood better than I did.”
”But you must like me a little,” he said.
”And you reacted a little. Geode, that's a very long way to go, and it is no proper course.”
”I want to go there!”
”But, Geode, consider the future! Once they catch the monster, I won't have to hide, and I won't be able to stay here with you. I am poison, Geode! You don't want to love me. You want to use me, to have experience, and forget me after. That's the male way.”
”I read somewhere-it's better to love and lose than never to love at all.”
”You would love and lose, Geode. I don't want to do that to you.”
”But otherwise I don't have anything!”
”I think you still don't understand. When I leave here, I expect to be dead. There is no life for me out there, and perhaps there never was. I shut out the past and have no future. There is only now. Touch my body as you will, but keep your emotion clear, or you will be left with nothing, with less than nothing.”
He knew she was trying to spare him, but he couldn't let it go. ”You said-you said I shouldn't love you. But you could love me.”
Her mouth dropped open. ”That's right! I have it backwards. As long as you don't love me, it doesn't matter how I feel. That is, I could love without hurting you. I can't be hurt, because I'll be dead.”
”Just talk to me,” he said, not liking her conclusion.
”Geode, I fear you mean to cheat. You want to be loved-and to love.”
She had him dead to rights.
She leaned against him, thinking about it. He put his arms around her, so glad for the feeling of holding her close.
After a time she lifted her head again. ”I would like to love before I die.”
”I think I-I was lost when you first talked to me.”
”About twelve hours ago,” she said with a rueful smile. ”You loved anyone who was willing to be close to you.”
”Yes.”
”But you still couldn't make love. For that you need mine, mismatched though we must be.”
”Yes.”
”Shall we seek love, then?”
”Yes!”
She laid her head on his shoulder again. He felt the shudder of her sobbing, and felt the heat of her tears. Once more he felt the tug of a reaction. The pretense had been abandoned; now they were going to try it for real.
He felt moisture on his own cheeks. That was odd, because he could not remember when he had cried before.
At last she lifted her head again. ”We must start over,” she announced. ”We've been going at it all wrong. The seduction must wait.”
He nodded.
She climbed off him and drew the hem of her negligee down. He put himself back together and zipped his fly. ”I will change,” she said. ”What will you do?”
”I have to wait for May Flowers to come. Then I will go out to check the property.”
”May I come with you?”