Part 9 (2/2)
”An hour after, he sat down in his lonely quarters at the hotel, and dutifully drew towards him a sheet of paper to write to his wife. It ran as follows:--
”'MY DEAREST WIFE: If you knew how utterly desolate I am without you.
I can think of nothing else, and feel entirely unfitted for business.
As for _pleasure_, that is out of the question, without you. I've been bored to death with the care of an empty-headed woman--(you know I couldn't _refuse_, my angel); but I never will be hampered so again.
I long for the day that will return me to your arms. Your loving husband,
”'J. S----.'
”Then drawing towards him a nice sheet of embossed note-paper, he penned the following:--
”'MY DEAR MADAM: Those blue eyes have never ceased to haunt me since we parted. Thank you for your flattering acceptance of my invitation to ride. I will call for you at four this afternoon. Till then, my heart is with you.
”'Yours, ever,
”'JOSEPH SMITH.'
”Full two mortal hours Joseph spent at his 'twilight,' adorning his outer man. How those whiskers were curled and perfumed! What a fit were those primrose kid gloves! How immaculate was that s.h.i.+rt bosom!
How _excruciatingly_ those boots pinched! The very horses p.r.i.c.ked up their ears and arched their necks proudly, as if they knew what a freight of loveliness they were to carry.
”Arrived at the widow's Joseph handed the reins to a servant and was settling his pet curl, preparatory to mounting the stairs, when a letter was rudely thrust into his hand, and he was unceremoniously seized by _that_ d.i.c.key and sent spinning out upon the side-walk. As soon as he recovered breath, he picked himself up, and looked at the letter. Horror of horrors! He had placed the letters in the wrong envelopes! The widow had his wife's, and what was worse, his wife the widow's! Oh, Smith! Oh, JOSEPH Smith!
”MORAL.--Some think it wise to use envelopes, 'some _othewise_.'
_Joseph_ inclines to the _latter_ opinion, and advises all 'pattern husbands' to be of the same mind. His message hails from California!”
XXVIII.
FEMININE WISDOM.
We insert the following for the special benefit of the ladies. It is true, f.a.n.n.y very characteristically informs us, that they 'don't all know as much as _she_ does,' but then that is hardly to be expected.
”Tupper, speaking of the choice of a wife, says, 'Hath she wisdom? it is precious, but _beware that thou exceed_!'
”My dear sir, wasn't you caught napping that time? Didn't you speak in meeting? Didn't cloven feet peep out of your literary shoes? Don't it take an American woman to see through you! Isn't that a tacit acknowledgment that there _are_ women who do 'exceed?' Wouldn't you think so if you lived _this_ side the pond? Hope you don't judge _us_ by John Bull's daughters, who stupefy themselves on roast-beef and porter. I tell you Yankee women are on the squirrel order. You'd lose your English breath trying to follow them. There isn't a man here in America that knows as much as his wife. Some of them _own_ it, and some don't, but they all believe it, like gospel. They ask our opinion about everything. Sometimes straightforward, and sometimes in a circle--but they _ask it_! There are petticoats in the pulpit, petticoats in the editorial chair, petticoats in the lecturer's desk, petticoats behind the counter, petticoats labelled 'M. D.' Oh, _they 'exceed_!' no mistake about that. All femality is wide awake over here, Mr. Tupper. They crowd, and jostle, and push, just as if they wore hats. I don't uphold them in _that_, because, as I tell them, 'tis better policy to play possum, and wear the mask of submission. No use in rousing any _unnecessary_ antagonism. _But they don't all know as much as I do._ I shall reach the goal just as quick in my velvet shoes, as if I tramped on rough-shod as they do, with their _Woman's Rights Convention brogans_!”
XXIX.
ALWAYS SPEAK THE TRUTH.
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