Part 28 (1/2)
She turned to find Jill standing behind her. Susan instantly flashed on their foolish little c.o.c.ktail hours, all their so-called meaningful talks about kids and husbands and whatever. This while her own daughter was walking around in labor.
Jill put her hand on her shoulder. Susan folded her arms tightly across her chest and moved away.
”It happens,” Jill said. ”I've read about it. Anyone could miss it. Anyone-”
”Stop. Just stop. I'm her mother. I should have known.”
Jill fell silent, but if Susan had spoken too sharply, she didn't care. Everyone could offer explanations, everyone could excuse her, but they weren't in her position. Jill certainly didn't know how it felt to realize you'd been so blind that you could fix your daughter breakfast and drive her to school and visit colleges and sleep next to her in a tiny pup tent-and not know. Jill had boys, not girls, and didn't understand that from the moment Amy was born, consciously or not, Susan had been waiting for the day her daughter announced she was intentionally, happily pregnant, so that she, Susan, could exult, commiserate, advise. And now-to suddenly learn that an unplanned pregnancy had happened without either of them knowing!
A movement caught her eye, and she saw Evelyn shuffling toward them, a water bottle dangling from her finger. Susan bristled; she didn't think she could bear the presence of this odd, serious woman who held a PhD in molecular biology but possessed no sense of how to commune with the human race.
Evelyn hesitated, then said, ”Abo chipped off some of the ice from the cooler, and I gave Amy some ice chips to suck on.”
”Thank you, Evelyn,” said Jill.
Evelyn hovered.
”Don't say it,” warned Susan.
”All right,” said Evelyn.
Startled, Susan looked at Evelyn, who was standing there awkwardly.
”What do you want?” Susan said harshly.
Evelyn thrust the water bottle at her. ”Its mostly ice,” she said. ”I thought it would help you too.”
Shamed by this token of kindness, Susan held the bottle against her breastbone. It made her feel cool all over.
”Thank you,” she managed.
”Let's sit,” Jill said.
Susan shook her head in misery, but then she sat and hugged her knees to her chest. Jill and Evelyn sat down on either side.
”All right,” Jill began. ”You didn't know. You missed the signs. But Amy needs you right now.”
”Amy doesn't need me,” said Susan. ”Amy doesn't want me, either.”
Evelyn looked anxious. ”I don't think that's true,” she said. ”Of course Amy needs you. Of course she wants you. How can you say she doesn't?”
”Maybe because I've got some experience with a teenager, Evelyn,” Susan said. Evelyn looked down, and Susan knew she had hurt this childless woman who was never going to face these muddled issues. But Susan didn't care. Hot tears spilled out.
”Why didn't she tell me?” she cried.
”She didn't know,” Jill said.
”But she didn't even tell me she was having s.e.x! Did she think I would scold her? Tell her she was too young? She was-is-but I would never have scolded her! I would have taken her to the doctor, and then the doctor would have examined her, and we'd have known, and we wouldn't be here on the Colorado River with her going into labor!”
Jill and Evelyn both laid a hand on Susan's shoulder.
”I'm a failure,” Susan sobbed.
”Phooey,” said Evelyn.
”In fact, I'm such a failure that not only do I not know my daughter is pregnant, but when she's suddenly going into labor, all I can think about is how bad a parent I am. Isn't that that rich!” rich!”
Evelyn looked thoughtful for a moment. ”So what you're saying is, you're a failure because not only have you failed your daughter, but in the process of failing her, all you can focus on is how you've failed?”
Susan sobbed harder. ”And I've done this all my life too. I always make everything all about me me. No wonder Amy doesn't open up-she knows she'll just have to sit and listen to me talk about how it was for me me me, way back when.”
Evelyn and Jill pondered this.
”I've just been trying so hard to connect with her,” Susan said. ”And nothing works.”
”Maybe not until now,” Jill said gently. ”But you can't just walk away when she needs you the most. You have to be the strong one right now.”
”You certainly do! I'd lay down the law with that girl,” Evelyn declared, and she smacked a fist into her palm. ”I'd say, 'Amy, I don't care what you say, I'm going to be right here by your side from start to finis.h.!.+'”
Susan smiled wanly, for she'd had yet to witness this pa.s.sionate side of Evelyn. She thought she would like to watch Evelyn teach a cla.s.s sometime. Once she'd had a teacher who was pa.s.sionate about wind patterns over the Pacific. By the end of the cla.s.s, everyone else was pa.s.sionate about wind patterns over the Pacific too.
She wiped her nose. ”I'm not usually so thin-skinned.”
”I think it's being on the river,” Evelyn said.
”Watching your daughter go into labor might have something to do with it too,” added Jill.
The three women helped each other stand up. Susan inhaled deeply. Her eyes stung from salt and sun, and she wanted again to walk into the river and float away.
Instead, she gave a shaky little laugh. ”My heart,” she said hoa.r.s.ely. ”I feel like its right here,” and she patted her arm.
”Well,” said Evelyn, ”well, you just keep it right there, if that's what you need to do.”
”How soon for the helicopter?” JT asked Abo.
”We're next in line.”
JT drew a deep breath.
”Doing a swell job, Boss,” said Abo.
”Keep telling me that.”
”How can a girl not know she's pregnant?” Abo asked, after a while.
”No clue.”