Part 58 (1/2)

I have come to know so much of love that I know now what love might be.

We loved, scarred and stained; we parted--basely and inevitably, but at least I met love.

I remember as we sat in a Canadian canoe, in a reedy, bush-masked shallow we had discovered operating out of that pine-shaded Woking ca.n.a.l, how she fell talking of the things that happened to her before she met me again....

She told me things, and they so joined and welded together other things that lay disconnected in my memory, that it seemed to me I had always known what she told me. And yet indeed I had not known nor suspected it, save perhaps for a luminous, transitory suspicion ever and again.

She made me see how life had shaped her. She told me of her girlhood after I had known her. ”We were poor and pretending and managing. We hacked about on visits and things. I ought to have married. The chances I had weren't particularly good chances. I didn't like 'em.”

She paused. ”Then Carnaby came along.”

I remained quite still. She spoke now with downcast eyes, and one finger just touching the water.

”One gets bored, bored beyond redemption. One does about to these huge expensive houses I suppose--the scale's immense. One makes one's self useful to the other women, and agreeable to the men. One has to dress.... One has food and exercise and leisure, It's the leisure, and the s.p.a.ce, and the blank opportunity it seems a sin not to fill. Carnaby isn't like the other men. He's bigger.... They go about making love.

Everybody's making love. I did.... And I don't do things by halves.”

She stopped.

”You knew?”--she asked, looking up, quite steadily. I nodded.

”Since when?”

”Those last days.... It hasn't seemed to matter really. I was a little surprised.”

She looked at me quietly. ”Cothope knew,” she said. ”By instinct. I could feel it.”

”I suppose,” I began, ”once, this would have mattered immensely. Now--”

”Nothing matters,” she said, completing me. ”I felt I had to tell you. I wanted you to understand why I didn't marry you--with both hands. I have loved you”--she paused--”have loved you ever since the day I kissed you in the bracken. Only--I forgot.”

And suddenly she dropped her face upon her hands, and sobbed pa.s.sionately--

”I forgot--I forgot,” she cried, and became still....

I dabbled my paddle in the water. ”Look here!” I said; ”forget again!

Here am I--a ruined man. Marry me.”

She shook her head without looking up.

We were still for a long time. ”Marry me!” I whispered.

She looked up, twined back a whisp of hair, and answered dispa.s.sionately--

”I wish I could. Anyhow, we have had this time. It has been a fine time--has it been--for you also? I haven't nudged you all I had to give.

It's a poor gift--except for what it means and might have been. But we are near the end of it now.”

”Why?” I asked. ”Marry me! Why should we two--”

”You think,” she said, ”I could take courage and come to you and be your everyday wife--while you work and are poor?”

”Why not?” said I.