Part 11 (1/2)
FAMILY.
Religious Cousin Ruins Family's Christmas MONTOURSVILLE, PA-The arrival of devout Christian cousin Barb Krueger has ”for all practical purposes ruined” the Langan family's chances of having an enjoyable holiday season, sources reported Monday.
The Langan family struggles to enjoy the holiday season despite their guest.
”Christmas Day is something our whole family greatly looks forward to, drinking eggnog, opening presents, sitting around the family room in our pajamas and robes, and sipping hot cocoa throughout the day,” said Marv Langan, 51. ”Well, you can forget about that this year, with Barb hovering over us with her Bible.”
The Langans have for years treasured Christmas as a time for family bonding and good cheer. But all that is likely to change this year due to the presence of Krueger, 30, who describes herself as having ”a deeply committed personal relations.h.i.+p with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.”
”Jesus is the reason for the season,” Krueger said.
The trouble began for the Langans in early December, when the family was contacted by Krueger, who explained that she was in the Montoursville area for a six-week Bible-study program and looking for a place to spend the holidays. The Langans, who readily welcomed the visiting cousin into their home, were unaware that she had spent a majority of her adult life attending various ”personal enrichment programs,” converting to a conservative synod of the Lutheran church and gradually alienating all non-Christian members of her social circle.
”The first thing she did when she got here was explain that our Christmas tree was a pagan tradition Jesus never would have approved of,” said mother Janet Langan, 49. ”Not long after, she nearly fainted when she discovered we didn't have an Advent calendar in the house, so Marv had to run out and buy one.”
With Krueger's arrival came other changes, as well. The Langans, who belong to Montoursville's Holy Christ Almighty Church but attend services just a few times a year, soon found themselves roped into twice-weekly visits.
”Last Thursday night, I'd just baked a pie, and the whole gang was getting ready to go sledding together,” Janet said. ”Next thing you know, Barb is asking about Advent services. I'd forgotten that there was such a thing. Well, there was no sledding that night, let me tell you.”
Other holiday-cheer-killing activities foisted upon the family include daily ”devotionals” involving candle-lighting and scripture readings, formal prayers before all meals, and longwinded harangues explaining why Jesus wants the Langans to reject such ”blasphemously secular” holiday TV specials as Frosty The Snowman and Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer.
”Caroling is usually my favorite thing,” 8-year-old Justin Langan said. ”But Cousin Barb says we shouldn't sing Santa songs. All she likes is stupid, hard-to-sing, religious stuff about Good King Wenceslaus and Feast of Stephen-c.r.a.p like that.”
According to daughter Brianna Langan, 17, the family's annual trip to see Santa Claus at the local mall was ”a complete wash-out” because of Krueger.
”It totally sucked this year,” Brianna said. ”The whole time, everybody just stood there all quiet, glancing back at Cousin Barb, worried about what she would think.” Brianna added that while waiting in line to see Santa, her visiting cousin told her she shouldn't be wearing makeup at her age.
”I didn't talk to one boy the whole time we were at the mall,” said Mich.e.l.le Langan, Brianna's 15-year-old sister. ”Every time I saw somebody I knew from school, Cousin Barb just glared at them and scared them off. She says Jesus teaches us to love the sinner and condemn the sin, but I hate her.”
”I hope she never comes back here again,” Mich.e.l.le continued. ”I hope she gets run over by a bus and goes to Heaven. That way, she could spend the holidays with her best friend Jesus.”
NEWS IN BRIEF.
Poor Kwanzaa Sales Disappoint Retailers WAs.h.i.+NGTON, DC-Kwanzaa officials received sobering news Monday, as the Department of Commerce announced that Kwanzaa holiday sales for the U.S. totaled $178. The figure represents the lowest total since 1992, the year the holiday was invented. At Abe's Kwanzaa Emporium in Los Angeles, rows of unsold Kwanzaa trees were thrown out, while rolls of Kwanzaa-themed wrapping paper gathered dust in giant bins. Even A&M Records' much-hyped holiday CD, A Bryan Adams Kwanzaa, fared poorly, selling just three copies.
NEWS.
Weed Delivery Guy Saves Christmas MADISON, WI-The holidays evoke images of carolers and hot cocoa, sleigh rides through the crisp country air, and chestnuts roasting on an open fire. But for the four residents of a drafty little apartment on Johnson Street, such holiday traditions seemed nothing more than fairy tales. For, through a combination of poverty, circ.u.mstance, and plain old bad luck, these young gentlemen nearly saw their holiday dreams shattered like so many fallen ornaments.
The weed guy delivers holiday tidings.
Almost, but not quite. For although there would be no yule log in the fireplace, a crackling blaze of another kind would come to warm the hearts of the hapless roommates. For, these four lucky friends had a guardian angel watching over them, and this is the heartwarming true story of how the weed delivery guy saved Christmas.
”Dude, I was so b.u.mmed when I found out my stupid supervisor scheduled me for first s.h.i.+ft Christmas Eve,” said Patrick Moynihan, 26, a ”part-time musician and full-time phone drone.” ”I was like, 'Come on, I gotta go to Milwaukee to see my old man and watch the game.' He was like, 'Sorry man, life's rough. You should've remembered to ask off.' ”
”It's not like Milwaukee's so great,” Moynihan added, ”but it beats spending Christmas alone in my s.h.i.+thole apartment.”
But, in a turn of events Moynihan described as ”X-Files-type s.h.i.+t,” each of his remaining roommates-first Dirk, then Kleist, and finally even White Jimmy-watched their Christmas plans come undone, leaving the four housemates together in Madison on the night before Christmas.
”I was supposed to go home with this chick and meet her parents,” said Dirk Udell, 24, a part-time bicycle-store clerk and ba.s.sist. ”But we totally got into this huge fight the night before, and she was like, 'Sayonara, sweetheart.' Then Kleist got wasted and slept through his flight, and White Jimmy's credit card got turned down at the bus station, because he maxed it out on that amp he bought.”
Individual heartbreak turned into collective joy when the roommates realized that they could have their own Christmas ... together.
”We said, 'f.u.c.k it,' ” James ”White Jimmy” Gaines said. ”We were like, 'We have all the ingredients for old-time holiday cheer right here: some brews, the tube, and the Chinese place across the street that never closes on holidays.' We even cleaned the living room and washed the dishes. Then fate threw a monkey wrench.”
”Dudes, it's a no go,” Kleist said before delivering the bad news. ”Carl totally flaked on us. He left for Michigan already.”
The roommates' faces turned ashen: There would be no Christmas weed.
”I was, like, 'No way, man!' ” Moynihan said. ”Kleist even called all our friends, trying to find someone who was holding, but everyone was out of town. We tried to drum up some Christmas cheer, but there was no escaping the sad reality that the four of us had all this time to hang out, but no pot.”
Disconsolate, the roommates went through the motions of sc.r.a.ping the bowl for resin. But, in their hearts, they knew that it wasn't enough to get them high. Peering out of the fourth-floor window, gazing at the munic.i.p.al streetlight decorations below, they felt that Christmas had deserted them ... Or had it?
The residents of Apt. 4-D celebrate Christmas together.
”That's when Jimmy-I think it was Jimmy. It could've been Kleist-wait, was it Jimmy or Kleist?” Moynihan said. ”Aw, never mind-whoever it was looked up and said, 'Hey Dirk, why don't we try the number that that guy who worked at Big Mike's Subs gave you?' ”
After searching high and low with the help of his three determined roommates, Udell located the piece of paper containing the phone number given to him by his old stoner buddy Javier.
”Javier told me he hardly knows the dealer, but the guy always has really great s.h.i.+t and he comes right over,” Udell said. ”Kleist was all like, 'Who in their right mind is gonna be out delivering weed on Christmas Eve?' But I was like, 'What would it hurt to give the number a try?' ”
”We were so psyched when he answered his cell on the second ring!” Udell added.