Part 2 (1/2)
Tell me now, what do you want Santa to bring you this year? A bright red bicycle? Some fun new board games? Or should I just have the elves wrap up a fresh batch of those satin pillows you enjoy straddling so much? Or maybe St. Nick shouldn't bring you anything at all this Christmas. After all, Mrs. Claus knitted you a special pair of socks last year, and just look what became of those!
Oh, whatever happened to that sweet, freckle-faced angel we all loved so much? Such a bright little youngster, so good to your mommy and daddy, and quick to make friends. Now all you seem to want to do is play by yourself for hours on end. It makes everyone here at my workshop very, very sad. Why, the reindeer haven't been able to keep down their feed since hearing about how you slap yourself around. And Mrs. Claus, do you know what she did when she found out? She cried. She cried for the first time in almost 700 years.
Where before we enjoyed visions of gumdrops and candy canes, now we see you, once so dear to us all, kneeling against a plastic chair, spitting on two fingers, and putting them lordy knows where.
I must say, the sights you conjure up while you lie in your bed have even Santa Claus scratching his head. I doubt any of the high-school cheerleaders have ever even set foot inside a boiler room before, never mind done anything like that!
And other things-other terrible, frightful things. If your outlandish fantasies didn't make me quake with disgust, I'd say you were the most creative child in the world.
Is it Clara? Is that who you think about when you rub yourself raw? Ho, ho, ho! Why she doesn't even know your name, dear child! You didn't really think you had a chance with her, did you? A pretty girl like that? But your face-it's covered in pockmarks, for goodness sake!
Don't cry now, little one. I'm sure some of the Barbie dolls you steal from your sister's room find you very attractive. I bet they hardly even notice your embarra.s.sing stutter, or that pungent and sickly body odor of yours. Or even how pathetic you really are, my child. What a sad, lonely, feeble little s.h.i.+t you are, and how your life-your wretched little life-will be filled with failure after failure, both personal and professional, until the stench of disappointment and heartbreak grows so strong that you'll barely be able to breathe.
Well, it looks like old Santa has to get back to work! Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night-except you, you sick little f.u.c.k!
MAGAZINE.
HOT HOLIDAY TOYS.
NEWS IN BRIEF.
Broke Dad Makes Son PlayStation 2 For Christmas DAYTON, OH-Determined to make his son's Christmas dreams come true despite financial woes, David McMa.n.u.s spent three hours in his garage Monday constructing a PlayStation 2 from sc.r.a.p lumber and transistor-radio components. ”I can't wait to see the look on Andy's face when he unwraps this,” said McMa.n.u.s, lovingly painting a ”2” onto the front of the handmade video-game console. ”I didn't get to sand the controllers as smoothly as I'd have liked, but still.” McMa.n.u.s added that he hopes he can make a ”Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2” CD in time for Andy's birthday in March.
NEWS.
Activist Judge Cancels Christmas WAs.h.i.+NGTON, DC-In a sudden and unexpected blow to the Americans working to protect the holiday, liberal U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Stephen Reinhardt ruled the private celebration of Christmas unconst.i.tutional Monday.
Per the court order, city workers take down the Christmas tree from New York's Rockefeller Plaza.
”In accordance with my activist agenda to secularize the nation, this court finds Christmas to be unlawful,” Judge Reinhardt said. ”The celebration of the birth of the philosopher Jesus-be it in the form of gift-giving, the singing of carols, fanciful decorations, or general good cheer and warm feelings amongst families-is in violation of the First Amendment principles upon which this great nation was founded.”
In addition to forbidding the celebration of Christmas in any form, Judge Reinhardt has made it illegal to say ”Merry Christmas.” Instead, he has ruled that Americans must say ”Happy Holidays” or ”Felices Fiestas” if they wish to extend good tidings.
Within an hour of the judge's verdict, National Guard troops were mobilized to enforce the controversial ruling.
”Sorry, kids, no Christmas this year,” Beloit, WI, mall Santa Gene Ernot said as he was led away from his Santa's Village in leg irons. ”Write to your congressman to put a stop to these liberal activist judges. It's up to you to save Christmas! Ho ho ho!”
Said Pvt. Stanley Cope, who tasered Ernot for his outburst: ”We're fighting an unpopular war on Christmas, but what can we do? The military has no choice but to take orders from a lone activist judge.”
Across America, the decision of the all-powerful liberal courts was met with shock and disappointment, as American families quietly took down their holiday decorations and canceled their plans to gather and make merry.
”They've been chipping away at Christmas rights for decades,” Fox News personality John Gibson said. ”Even before this ruling, you couldn't hear a Christmas song on the radio or in a department store. I hate to say it, America, but I told you so.”
Gibson then went into hiding, vowing to be a vital part of the Christmas resistance that would eventually triumph and bring Christmas back to the United States and its retail stores.
The ban is not limited to the retail sector. In support of Reinhardt's ruling, Sen. Ted Kennedy, a Jew, introduced legislation that would mandate the registration of every Christian in the United States and subject their houses to random searches to ensure they are not celebrating Christmas.
”Getting rid of every wreath or nativity scene is not enough,” Kennedy said. ”In order to ensure that Americans of every belief feel comfortable in any home or business, we must eliminate all traces of this offensive holiday. My yellow belly quakes with fear at the thought of offending any foreigners, atheists, or child molesters.”
America's children are bearing the brunt of Reinhardt's marginal, activist rulings.
”Why did the bad man take away Christmas?” 5-year-old Danny Dover said. ”I made a card for my mommy out of paper and glue, and now I can't give it to her.”
Shortly after Dover issued his statement, police kicked down his door, removed his holiday tree, confiscated his presents, and crushed his homemade card underfoot.
A broad, bipartisan coalition of lawmakers has been working closely with the White House, banding together in the hope of somehow overruling the decision. So far, however, their efforts have been fruitless.
”Our hearts go out to the Americans this ruling affects,” Sen. Chip Pickering (R-MS) said. ”If it's any condolence, I wish you all a Happy Holidays, which, I'm afraid, is all I'm legally allowed to say at this time.”
NEWS IN BRIEF.