Part 35 (1/2)

”The chemo's to keep it from coming back.”

”Oh...so...what about...what about what's there now?”

He sighs. Shrugs. ”That's...that's the kicker, because they didn't catch this earlier, I didn't have time for chemotherapy before, so....”

I wait.

He takes his left hand away and reaches over to place it on my left leg. Her runs his hand slowly up and down my thigh. ”I have two options.”

He stops talking again. His hand still grazes my leg while he looks at it.

I wait.

He kinda nods before he says, ”I have to choose between an operation that will cause complications and infection the rest of my life...” His hand doesn't stop moving along my thigh, his gaze never leaves my leg. ”Or...losing the whole thing,” he whispers.

I think I hear what he's saying, but I ask, ”The whole knee?”

He looks up at me and shakes his head. ”The whole leg.”

Oh. What do I say to that? I'm sorry doesn't seem enough. Because not only may he lose his leg, he's probably lost the chance to make the Majors. ”Oh, Ben. I'm really sorry.” Because though it's not the right thing to say, nothing else comes to mind.

He takes his hand from my leg, turns to face me, but keeps hold of my other hand. ”Why'd you stop talking? In rehab. Why didn't you talk at first?”

I hesitate to answer, because it's hard for me to talk about. I haven't talked about the accident since the mental hospital.

”Rose...I just told you more today than you've told me ever. I've waited patiently for you to be ready to talk. But...I'm out of time. I don't know how to handle this. It would help if I could hear...well, your story.”

I pull my hand out from his. ”Why?”

”Why?” he asks, his forehead furrowed.

”Yeah. I don't...”

”I need to know. To help me. Is that an a.s.shole thing to ask? It looks like I've upset you.”

I shrug. ”I can't help you decide, Ben.”

”Why'd you stop talking? Is it that hard? To deal with? I'm confused as h.e.l.l these days. Did Johnny give up 'cause his dreams were shattered? Because the plans he made for the future ended up pointless?” Ben clasps his hands between his legs and leans on his elbows. He looks down at the ground. ”Either decision I make, I'm done. There's no chance for me. My plans, all that time I spent practicing...hour after hour on the mound.” He looks up at me, but his elbows are still resting on his thighs. ”Pointless.”

I close my eyes. I know exactly what he's talking about. ”I don't know why Johnny gave up,” I say after a long pause.

Ben sits up and looks at me for a long time. ”I'm thinking of going with option one.”

I have to replay our conversation to remember what option one was. ”The surgery that will cause complications and infection?”

He nods. Doesn't take his eyes off me.

”Why?” His eyes bore into mine still. He wants my reaction? I'm not sure what he wants. ”You don't want to lose your leg.” It's not a question. I know he doesn't want to lose his leg. Who would?

”No.”

That's when I figure out why he's staring into my eyes like that - he's afraid his decision would hurt my feelings. Well...it doesn't. At first. But as I sit there, looking at him, running our conversation through my head, I realize, maybe he really isn't okay with my missing leg. Maybe he does find it unappealing. Maybe...I was right all along and I can't have a relations.h.i.+p with Ben. He'd never see past it. ”What are the complications with losing it?” I have to know what's driving his decision.

Both of our eyes are diverted now. His are cast down, mine are looking at all the baseb.a.l.l.s gathered near home plate.

”Pretty much none, once the initial healing process is over.”

Yes, I know this. Keeping my eyes on the b.a.l.l.s, I say, ”So you'd rather deal with a lifetime of problems than lose your leg.”

He doesn't respond.

”So what do you really think about me, Ben?” I ask, this time looking directly at him.

He whips his head up. ”I really like you, Rose. It has nothing to do with how I feel about you. This is totally separate. I just...”

”Don't want to be a gimp like me.”

”No. You're not a gimp. Stop. This isn't about you. It's about me...and how I'm gonna deal with it.”

”But it's about me sorta, because you asked why I stopped talking.”

”So I could know what to expect, I guess. I don't know, Rose.” He stands and paces. ”You gotta admit, though, your life isn't the same anymore, is it?” He stops, looks at me, and waits for my response.

I don't give him one.

”You don't dance anymore.”

”You said no matter what decision you make you can't make it to the Majors, so what's your point?”

”Holly said you're not the same. You lost confidence.”

”I was in a major accident. It scarred my entire body. That's gonna take a knock on anyone's self-esteem.”

”You won't even go back to school.”

”I am back in school.”

He sits back down next to me. ”You are?”

”Yes.”

”Oh.”

We sit there quietly for a while. I want to walk away, but something's keeping me glued to the bench.

”Why don't you want to consider amputation?” I whisper. I really need to know.