Part 27 (1/2)

She nods, hopefully in understanding.

”Can I take you to dinner tomorrow night?”

”Yeah. I'd like that.”

I reach for her hands, hold them, and kiss her goodbye. Letting my lips linger a moment or two.

She goes inside, closes the door, I walk back to my car, and I drive back to Totowa in silence, stopping home only to pick up a pair of sweats and my toothbrush.

When I get to Johnny's, he's staring out the window again, while Isaiah is reclined watching a movie.

Isaiah is first to acknowledge me. ”Hey, Ben.”

”Isaiah. Hey, John.”

He circles around and he blinks.

”What movie you watching?” I ask them both, figuring they started out watching the movie together, before Johnny lost interest.

”Mission Impossible,” Isaiah says. ”Netflix.”

”Never saw it.”

”Neither'd Johnny,” Isaiah says, showing no expression. ”But I've seen enough. Johnny, if you need me, just beep.”

”Beep?”

”He's got a b.u.t.ton there on his chair pad to call me.”

”Oh.”

I toss my bag in the corner and sit on the couch near Johnny. ”What's going on, man? Why the sudden change?”

”It's not sudden. I just don't have the energy to pretend anymore.”

I nod. ”Do you talk to someone about it?”

”I meet with someone. She comes in three times a week. Do I talk? No.”

”Why?”

”Talking's not gonna make my arms move. G.o.d. Not having use of my legs I can deal with, but do you know what it's like to be in a straitjacket twenty-four seven? That's what it's like. A f.u.c.king straitjacket.”

I nod again. What more can I say? I don't know what it's like and if I did, I'm sure I'd be as angry as he is. Rose is right. This has to be the normal reaction to his situation.

”You ever think about being caught in a burning building?” he asks, and I'm sure it's rhetorical, so I don't answer. ”Well, I do. 'Cause I dream it every night. Every night, I'm trapped. Behind some huge block of steel. Flames are blazing around me. I have nowhere to go. I'm trapped. And I can't get out. I watch the flames creep toward me. It feels like the sun crashes on friggin' top of me. The sun. That's how hot it is. Every night I get caught on fire. Every. Single. Night. I catch on fire. It's like a G.o.dd.a.m.n episode of Groundhog Day. Only I don't get the girl at the end.”

By now, streams of tears are running down both our faces. We're too caught up in emotions to worry about showing our vulnerabilities to each other.

Silence surrounds us and I'm at a loss for words still. A bird trapped in a cage. With no room to flap his wings. It must be torturous, and I don't even know how to ease his pain.

”I'm so sorry,” I finally manage. ”Just. So sorry.”

”I didn't mean to bring you down. That's why I didn't want you to come back. I'm too tired to pretend it's gonna all get better.”

He stares at me. ”If you weren't such a good guy, I'd ask you to put a pillow over my head tonight after Isaiah puts me to bed.”

My body tenses. I don't know how to respond to that.

”Don't worry. I wouldn't ask that of you.” I hear the disappointment in his voice.

”This may sound absurd, but why don't you go to college like you planned?”

”It is absurd. College is not a place for someone like me.”

”That's not true. You already have a daily nurse. Let Isaiah help you to cla.s.ses. I see people in wheelchairs all the time at school.”

He blinks his eyes.

”You're so f.u.c.king bright, John. The technology is there. Look at the way you maneuver that iPad. Give it a try.”

His eyes are cast down, but I can tell he might be thinking about it.

”Take one cla.s.s in January. Don't matriculate. See if you can handle it.”

”I can't.”

”Why not? Give me one good reason.”

”'Cause I'm still in high school.”

”Oh, geez. That's right. You still have your tutor?”

”No.”

”No? What happened?”

”I stopped learning. I stopped responding to her. When it finally sunk in that I wasn't getting any better.”

”Get her back, John. You still have a brain that functions on the genius level. You can do so much with that. You can still be an engineer. And homework will keep you busy, and you'll...you'll still have a life.”

”You make it sound so f.u.c.kin' easy, Ben. I'm a G.o.dd.a.m.n cripple. It ain't gonna be suns.h.i.+ne and roses for me. Ever. Just...stop trying to make things better. It's not gonna happen.”

I shrug it off. I guess I am simplifying his condition. Rose's too. Maybe I'm not supposed to fix things for the people I love. Maybe I just have to sit here and agree with them. Yup. Your life will be nothing but suffering. I agree. Your life sucks.