Part 19 (2/2)
Then my thoughts go to Johnny. I don't know much about what happened to him, but I do know how he ended up. Yet he never let anyone see him down. Ben says it's the thought of his mother keeping him going, but I don't understand that kind of selflessness. All I think about anymore is myself. And why this had to happen to me. It's not who I want to be, it just is.
I do the last thing I expect to do - I call Ben.
”h.e.l.lo.”
”Hi,” I say much too quietly.
”Rose? Are you okay?”
From out of nowhere, I cry.
”Rose. What's going on? Are you hurt?”
Oh my G.o.d, I can't stop crying long enough to get the words out.
”Are you home?” he asks.
”No.” My tongue mimics the word but it barely comes out.
”Where are you, Rose?”
I close my eyes and concentrate on breathing, while willing the tears away.
”Rose.” Ben's voice loses its urgency.
”Mmm.”
”You good?”
”How's...” I swallow what feels like gla.s.s in my throat. ”How's Johnny?”
”Johnny?”
”Mmm.”
”He's...okay. I spoke with him last week, Rose, what's going on?”
”No...no one understands.”
”Understands? Understands what?”
”Me.”
”You. No one understands you?”
I shake my head.
”Rose, what don't they understand?”
I hear him breathing and it's quite heavy.
”That you're having a hard time adjusting to your new life? Because, honey, I understand. I understand completely. This changes your dream. I get it. I do. Is that what they don't understand?”
I nod, even though he can't see me.
”Because I do. And it's okay to feel this way. It's okay, Rose. Do you hear me? It's okay.”
Silence consumes us for a couple minutes before Ben speaks again. ”I'm only asking this as a friend, Rose, nothing more, but do you need me to come up? I'm in Haledon still, so I can be there in less than an hour.”
”No, no, that's okay, I'll be all right.” My breath hitches, a belated effect from my sobbing. ”Wait a minute. Are you alone? For Thanksgiving?”
”I'm fine, Rose. I just want to know if you need me to come. If not, I'm good.”
”Oh.”
”Rose. Are you home?”
”No.”
”Where are you?”
”In the woods somewhere.”
”In the woods? Jesus Christ, Rose. You're alone?”
”Yeah. But I'm in my dad's truck.”
”Go home, Rose. You can't sit in the woods, even if you are in a truck. Please go home.”
”Yeah.”
”Will you text me when you get there?”
”Yeah.”
”Yeah? You promise.”
”I don't make promises. I don't believe in them anymore.”
”Rose. Text me when you get home, okay?”
”Yeah.”
”Better yet, put me on speaker while you drive. This way I'll know you got home.”
I sniff some leftover tears.
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