Part 28 (1/2)
The fowls he thus lost were what were then deemed ”tall specimens;” but they did not, in this respect, equal those of a neighbor, who declared that a young Shanghae c.o.c.k of his grew so high on the leg, that he got to be afraid of him; and, instead of eating him, one day while the rooster was in a meditative mood, he contrived to place a twenty-feet ladder beside him, and, mounting it, managed to blow out the monster's brains, greatly to the owner's relief.
[Ill.u.s.tration]
CHAPTER XLII.
AN EMPHATIC CLINCHER.
One of the last specimen _letters_ that I will offer I received late in the year of our Lord 1854, which afforded me as much amus.e.m.e.nt (considering the circ.u.mstances of the case) as any one I ever yet received, of the thousands that found their way to ”Geo. P. Burnham, Esq.; Boston, Ma.s.s.” Here it is, word for word:
”GEORG BURNAM:
”More'n a yeer aggo i cent yu twenty six dollers in a leter for 3 cos.h.i.+n chiner Chickns, an yu sed tha wus perf.e.c.k pure bludds an yu lade yerseff lyble tu a Sute of prosekushn fer letin such dam stuf go intu yure yard or out of it, eether.
”i bred them orl by themselfs an never had no uther c.o.c.krill on my plase. an i _no_ yu cheeted me like the devl, an yu no it 2. the fust lot of chickns i gut was awl _wite_ as sn.o.bawls. but i didnt sa nothin, cause wy? Wat did I Want tu let fokes no ide bin fuled an suckt in by a Corntemtible yanky, fer! i sed nothin an kep shaidy, an stuk to it that i gut em to _breed_ wite fouls out on--caus i Ment peeple shudent larf at me, no how!
”Wel, the nex lot of chickns i gut wus _black_ as thunder! _black_, Geo Burnam--bred out of yur Patent yaller impoted preemum stock, that yu an the lyin Noospappers ced wus pure bludds. i chocked Every wun on em quicker 'n _scatt_--wen i found um, an ef Yude a bin thare then i guess you Wuddent razed not more'n ten thowsen more fouls to cheet Peeple with after ide a gut a holt on yure desaitful gullet.
”never yu mind now, yuve gut my monny an yu can maik the most of it. aint yu a Pooty kine of mann? dont yu think yu ort tu hav yure Naim put in the nuspapper an let em say more'n fifty times a Munth that yu breed onny pure Impoted stock? dont yu feel nice wen Yu heer about the luck that peeple has with the stuf you impose on em in this shaimfull maner? Yu muss be a Nise kine of a sort of mann, i _dont_ think.
”i tell yu wot i think on yu. i think if yu Shud taik to sum onnest imploiment, sech as drivin a express Waggin or sorring wood, yude be Considurd a gentle mann Compaired with wat yu now be. everyboddy nose how yu ar cheetin and Gougin and bleadin the publick, an yur naim stinks wuss'n a ole Hen-cupe enny how. i spose tho ef yu _shud_ taik to enny kine of onness sort of way tu git a livin it ud kill yu dam quik cos yu aint uste tu it, an that wud serv yu rite, yu Cheetin lyin onprinsipled nave. ide orter taikn bennits an Minur's advise, an then i Shudent bin suckt by yu. _tha_ air Gentle mann to yu, an tha aint no better then tha shud be Neyther--_no_ how!
”i dont mine the Eckspence, it aint no cornsidable matter of konsekens Tu me, i 'shure yu. i can _stan_ it, yu needn't be Afeered of that. i can aford tu be suckt wunce. But ide like yu tu tell me how Blak chickns an wite chickns an sum of em _orl_ Cullers tu, can c.u.m out of pure bludded Aigs, or pure bludded fouls? tha _carnt_, an yu kno it. an yu kno'de it afore, an yure Welcom tu orl yule evver maik More out of _me_, bait yure life on that, georg Burnam!
”go ahed. suc em as long as Yu can. tha wunt fine yu out fer a wile, an yu can maik sum cornsidable mor Monny out of the flatts, yit. yu thort yude suckt _me_ I spoze. well i own up. yu _did_. yu gut twenty six dollers of my monny an i spose yu chukled about it, same's yu did Wen yu stuk them roten aigs onto bill turner. Yude beter c.u.m here, this wa, sum fine da an See the stock here thats bred out of yure preemum fouls. praps Yude git hoam agin without a saw hed. i think yu wood. haddn't yu Better try it on--_hay_?
”dont yu wish ide pade the postige on this leter? Yule git a wus wun nex time. ile rite yu agin, wunct a weak, cee ef i dont. ile Meat yu sum day at sum of the _fares_ an then cee if i dont Rake yu down with a corse comb. i haint harf dun with yu yit, by a dam site. so wate.
”In haist,
”B---- F---- L----.
”_Poss Skrip._--P.S. i seen in boston _Times_ yisterday that yu 'Lade six aigs on The editurs table, 8 inchis long an 4 inchis Round.' This was put in that paper i Spose sose yu cud cell Aigs.
yu ma pool wull over thair ies But yu dont fule _Me_. i doant bleeve yu ever Lade a aig in yur life--yu Hombugg. go tu the devl gorge Burnam!”
A German friend of mine once temporarily left the profession to which he had been educated thoroughly, and, with a few hundred dollars in hand, purchased a small place, a dozen miles out from the city, which was called by the seller of it ”a farm.”
Mynheer went to work l.u.s.tily at his new vocation, slaving and sweating and puffing away over his lately acquired grounds, every moment of time that he could borrow or steal from his legitimate duties, and expending upon his ”farm” every dollar he could rake and sc.r.a.pe together.
In the fall of his first year as a ”practical agriculturist,” I met him casually, and I said,
”A----, how does the farming succeed with you? How have you made it?”
”By gar,” he replied, ”I 'av try vera hard all de time, I 'av plant potato an quash an corn an all dat, I 'av hire all my neighbors to 'elp, I buy all de manoor in town, I 'av spent all my monish--an wot you tink, now, Burnham--wot you tink I get--eh? Well, I git one dam big watermel'n, da.s.s all;--but _he never git ripe, by gar_!”
When I had read the letter which I have just quoted above, I thought of my friend A----, and I said that my correspondent (like a good many before him), as did Mynheer A----, had undertaken a business which was entirely beyond his comprehension.