Part 14 (1/2)

These Gypsies are the people Professor Perkins studied in his survey-along with a clan plagued by insanity and a depraved brood that lived in floating shanties, nicknamed the Pirates. The difference between these families, and, say, ours, is purely genetic. A transient father breeds a transient son. A promiscuous mother pa.s.ses that trait along to her daughter.

”Three more operations were done at Brandon,” my father says. ”And two at the prison.”

Spencer smiles. ”That's wonderful.”

”It's certainly what we hoped for. I imagine all the patients will want to volunteer, once they understand that a simple treatment will let them live as they please.”

One of Bertie Briggs's tabby cats begins to walk a high wire. Her paws tremble on the line, at least I think they are trembling-my vision seems to be going in and out. I look into my lap, taking deep breaths, trying to keep from pa.s.sing out.

The small hand that darts into my lap from the side of the grandstand might be dirty, or only dark. It leaves behind a wrinkled slip of paper, printed with a moon and stars. FREE READING-MME. SOLIAT FREE READING-MME. SOLIAT. By the time I look up, the little boy who has left this behind has disappeared into the crowd.

”I'm just going to find the ladies' room,” I say, standing up.

”I'll come,” Spencer announces.

”I'm perfectly capable of going by myself.” In the end, he lets me go alone, but only after he's helped me navigate the grandstand stairs, and has waved me off in the right direction.

When I know he isn't watching any longer, I turn the opposite way. I sneak a cigarette from my purse-Spencer doesn't think women ought to smoke-and duck into Madame Soliat's tent. It is small and black, with yellow fabric stars sewn on the curtains. The fortune-teller wears a silver turban and three silver earrings in each ear. A wolf-dog pants beside her table, his tongue pink as a wound. ”So sit,” she says, as if she has been kept waiting.

She has no tea leaves or crystal ball. She doesn't reach for my palm. ”Don't be afraid,” she says finally, her voice as deep as a man's, when I am just about ready to get up and leave.

”I'm not.” I grind out my cigarette and lift my chin a little, to show her how brave I can be.

She shakes her head, and lowers her gaze to the baby inside me. ”About that that.”

My mother died in childbirth. I am expecting to do the same. I will not know my baby, then . . . but there is every chance I will get to know my mother.

”You will,” the fortune-teller replies, as if I've spoken aloud. ”What you don't know is about to come clear. But that will muddy other waters.”

She is speaking in riddles, that's what Spencer would say. Of course, Spencer would never do anything as unscientific as visiting a psychic. She tells me other things that might apply to anybody: that I am to come into a sum of money; that a stranger is going to visit. Finally, I reach into my purse for a dollar bill, only to feel her fingers lock on my wrist. I try to pull away, but she's grabbing hard enough for me to feel the beat of my pulse. ”You have death on your hands,” she says, and then she lets me go.

Startled, I stumble to my feet and into the hot sun. Oh, she is right; I do, I have from the moment I was born and killed my mother in the process.

I take turns without thinking twice; I push through faces without features. When I find myself in a crowd of young men, university students, funneling toward the entrance of a crystal palace, I try to turn against the tide. But their eagerness sweeps me forward and soon I am inside this hall of mirrors.

Spencer has told me of the movable maze that cost $20,000 to build. From behind high part.i.tions come the shrieks of college students, taking wrong turns. The air is as thick as custard. I cannot seem to escape myself; everywhere I turn around, there I am.

Heat presses in at the back of my neck. I lean into one mirror, tracing a hand over the swell of my stomach where this baby nests. I touch my cheek, my jaw. Do I look this frightened to the rest of the world?

Trailing my hand over the panes of gla.s.s, I follow my reflection from panel to panel to panel . . . and then my face turns into something else entirely. Black eyes, blacker hair, a mouth that has forgotten how to smile. We stand inches apart, close enough to touch. Me, and the man who was watching me during the pageant. Neither of us seems to be breathing.

Oh, this heat. It is the last thing I remember thinking before it all goes black. It is the last thing I remember thinking before it all goes black.

It is the patriotic duty of every normal couple to have children in sufficient number to keep up to par the ”good old Vermont stock.”

-Vermont Commission on Country Life, Committee on the Human Factor, ”The People of Vermont,” in Rural Vermont: Rural Vermont: A Program for the Future, 1931 1931 ”Take it easy, Cissy.”

Spencer's voice floats to me down a long tunnel. As my eyes focus, I look for landmarks: the Hall of Mirrors, the grandstand, the vendor selling salted peanuts. But instead I see the antique bowl and pitcher on my dresser, the gilded foot of our bed. A cold cloth spread over my forehead drips into my hair, onto the pillow.

He holds my hand. It makes me think of being a child, hanging onto my father to cross Church Street. I married Spencer when I was seventeen; he became the next adult to keep me safe. As I lay on my side with the bulk of my belly swelling over my thighs, it strikes me that I have never had the chance to grow up.

”You feeling better?” Spencer asks, and he smiles so sweetly something inside me breaks loose.

I love him. The smell of his hair and the b.u.mp of his nose that supports his gla.s.ses; the long lean muscles you would never expect to find beneath his pressed s.h.i.+rts and jackets. I adore the way he looks at me sometimes, as if love is a quant.i.ty he cannot measure scientifically, because it multiplies too quickly. I wish that we had met, however, on a busy street in New York City, or on a neighbor's porch in Iowa, or even during a transatlantic crossing-any circ.u.mstance at all that would make my relations.h.i.+p with Spencer separate from his relations.h.i.+p with my father.

He puts his hand over my stomach, and I close my eyes. It is impossible to not think of Spencer's Committee on the Human Factor, which advocates the careful selection of a mate. But I was picked because I am Harry Beaumont's daughter, not because I am myself.

I wonder how Spencer feels, to have made such an informed decision, and to still have wound up with something defective.

”How did I get here?” I ask, many questions at once.

”You fainted at the Exposition.”

”The heat . . .”

”Rest, Cissy.”

I feel fine. I want to shout this, even though it isn't true. There were times as a child I would climb to the roof of this very house, stand spread-eagled and yell until the whole of Comtosook heard me. It was not that I had anything important to say, but rather, that my father wanted me quiet.

I see this streak as a black curl in my blood, moving through my system and surfacing when I least expect it. Like now, with Spencer fussing over me. My smoking. This afternoon, at the fortune-teller's tent. Or last night, when I cut myself.

Sometimes I wonder if I inherited it from my mother.

”I'll send Ruby in to you.” Spencer kisses the crown of my head. ”You'll be fine.”

If Spencer says so, it must be true.

Ruby hovers at the door, waiting to be invited in. Our house girl is fourteen, close enough to my age for a friends.h.i.+p, and yet we are leagues apart. It is not just that she is French Canadian-I am so much older older than she is, and not just chronologically. When she thinks no one can see, Ruby dances between the white sheets she hangs out on the line-pirouettes and the lindy hop and even a little Charleston. Me, I never forget that at any time, someone might be watching. than she is, and not just chronologically. When she thinks no one can see, Ruby dances between the white sheets she hangs out on the line-pirouettes and the lindy hop and even a little Charleston. Me, I never forget that at any time, someone might be watching.

She comes bearing a brown-wrapped package. ”Miz Pike,” she says, ”look what came in the mail.”

She sets the package down beside me and makes an unsuccessful attempt to ignore the bandage on my wrist. Ruby, of course, knows what happened. She held a bowl of warm water for Spencer, as he cleaned the cut and bound it tightly to heal. She is part of the conspiracy of silence.

Ruby works the twine free and unwraps the box. Inside is a Sears, Roebuck order-a pair of half-boots just like the ones Spencer has removed from my feet. These are a size bigger, and maybe will not pinch so much, like all my shoes do now that I am so pregnant. Glancing over the edge of the bed, I stare at Ruby's shoes. ”You wear about a size six, don't you?”

”Yes, ma'am.”

”Why don't you take them? I don't imagine my foot's going to get smaller again.” Ruby holds my old boots in her hand as if they are a treasure. ”My sister, she used to give me hand-me-downs.”

”You have a sister?” How can I have lived with a girl for a year, and not have known this?

”Not anymore. Diphtheria.” Ruby busies herself unpacking the rest of the box. Tiny sweaters and socks and miniature unders.h.i.+rts in all the hues of white spill over the bedclothes, a Lilliputian bounty. These clothes seem too little to fit on a doll, much less a baby.

”Oh,” Ruby breathes, picking up a lacy cap between her thumb and forefinger. ”Have you ever seen anything so fine in your life?”

Ruby wants this baby more than I do. It's not that I am not pleased by the thought of his arrival-it is just that no one seems to understand that I will not survive this birth. Spencer taught me well; this defect is in my germ plasm. If I don't manage to kill myself first, then the day this baby is born is the day I'm going to die.