Part 26 (1/2)

Please do not be sensitive and take offence, Clive, if I admit to you that I never have quite reconciled myself to accepting anything from you.

”What I have accepted has been for your own sake--for the pleasure you found in giving, not for my own sake.

”I wanted only your friends.h.i.+p. That was enough--more than enough to make me happy and contented.

”I was not in want; I had sufficient; I lived better than I had ever lived; I was self-reliant, self-supporting, and--forgive and understand me, Clive--a little more self-respecting than I now am.

”It is true I had saved very little; but I am young and life is before me.

”This seems very ungrateful of me, very ungenerous after all you have done for me--all I have taken from you.

”But, Clive, it is the truth, and I think it ought to be told. Because this is, and has always been, a source of self-reproach to me, whether rightly or wrongly, I don't know. I am a novice at confession, but I feel that, if I am to make a clean breast to you, partial confession is not worth while, not really honest, not worthy of the very sacred friends.h.i.+p that inspires it.

”So I shall shrive myself as well as I know how and continue to admit to you my further doubts and misgivings. They are these: my sisters do not understand your friends.h.i.+p for me even if they understand mine for you--which they say they do.

”I don't think they believe me dishonest; but they cannot see any reason for your generosity to me unless you ultimately expect me to be dishonest.

”This has weakened my influence with them. I know I am the youngest, yet until recently I had a certain authority in matters regarding the common welfare and the common policy.

But this is nearly gone. They point out with perfect truth that I myself do, with you, the very things for which I criticise them and against which I warn them.

”Of course the radical difference is that I do these things with _you_; but they can't understand why you are any better, any finer, any more admirable, any further to be trusted than the men they go about with alone.

”It is quite in vain that I explain to them what sort of man you are. They retort that I merely _think_ so.

”There is a man who takes Catharine out more frequently, and keeps her out much later than I like. I mean Cecil Reeve. But what I say only makes my sister sullen. She knows he is a friend of yours.... And, Clive, I am rather afraid she is beginning to care more for him than is quite safe for her to ever care for any man of that cla.s.s.

”And Doris has met other men of the same kind--I don't know who they are, for she won't tell me. But after the theatre she goes out with them; and it is doing her no good.

”There is only one more item in my confession, then I'm done.

”It is this: I have heard recently from various sources that my being seen with you so frequently is causing much gossip concerning you among your friends.

”Is this true? And if it is, will it damage you? I don't care about myself. I know very few people and it doesn't matter.

Besides I care enough about our companions.h.i.+p to continue it, whatever untruths are said or thought about me. But how about _you_, Clive? Because I also care enough for you to give you up if my being seen with you is going to disgrace you.

”This is my confession. I have told you all. Now, could you tell me what it is best for us to do?

”Think clearly; act wisely; don't even dream of sacrificing yourself with your usual generosity--if it is indeed to be a case for self-sacrifice. Let me do that by giving you up. I shall do it anyway if ever I am convinced that my companions.h.i.+p is hurting your reputation.

”Be just to us both by being frank with me. Your decision shall be my law.

”This is a long, long letter. I can't seem to let it go to you--as though when I mail it I am snapping one more bond that still seems to hold us together.

”My daily life is agreeable if a trifle monotonous. I have been out two or three times, once to see the Morgan Collection at the Metropolitan Museum--very dazzling and wonderful. What strange thoughts it evoked in me--thrilling, delightful, exhilarating--as though inspiring me to some blind effort or other. Isn't it ridiculous?--as though _I_ had it in me to do anything or be anybody! I'm merely telling you how all that exquisite art affected me--_me_--a working girl. And Oh, Clive! I don't think anything ever gave me as much pleasure as did the paintings by the French masters, Lancret, Drouais, and Fragonard! (You see I had a catalogue!)

”Another evening I went out with Catharine. Mr. Reeve asked us, and another man. We went to see 'Once Upon a Time' at the Half-Moon Theatre, and afterward we went to supper at the Cafe Columbine.

”Another evening the other man, Mr. Reeve's friend, a Mr.

Hargrave, asked me to see 'Under the Sun' at the Zig-Zag Theatre. It was a tiresome show. We went to supper afterward to meet Catharine and Mr. Reeve.