Part 2 (1/2)
A MORBID CONSCIENCE
At last my conscience became so morbid that every sermon I heard and every religious book or tract I read was at once compared with my experience to see if I lacked in even the lightest details. I happened to read of one devoted man who literally gave all his possessions to the Lord's work. Immediately I thought of the small amount of money that I had with which to pay my winter's tuition in the university. It was not quite enough to pay all my expenses, and yet when I would decide that I could not give my ”all” to the Lord's work, terrible accusations would crush me down until it seemed that my reason itself would become unbalanced. In my despair, I opened up my heart to a trusted friend, and he showed me that this was clearly an accusation from Satan and should be entirely ignored. All these things told sadly on my mental and physical condition, so that when the school year ended and I returned home to my friends, they were very much disappointed in me. Finally they became alarmed at my morbid condition.
OBTAINING RELIEF
Satan at last overdid himself; and by the help of kind friends, I discerned his devices and the extremes to which I had been driven. Once the following lines were quoted to me: ”If you want to be distracted, look about you; if you would be miserable, look within; but if you would be happy, look to Jesus.” These I shall never forget. A friend also pointed out the fact that I was constantly feeling my spiritual pulse.
He said that this was just as detrimental to my spiritual condition as the constant counting of heart-beats would be to my physical health.
Just as a patient would be likely to imagine himself afflicted with heart-trouble, so the same habit in the spiritual realm would, if continually indulged, prove disastrous to constant peace and victory.
It took some time to throw off entirely the ”straight jacket” which had been imposed upon me; but by patient persistence, with G.o.d's grace, I was made an overcomer. I was taught to discern the difference between accusations and the workings of the Spirit of G.o.d. The voice of the accuser is harsh, cruel, nagging, or exacting; G.o.d's Spirit is mild, gentle, and encouraging. When G.o.d's Spirit reveals anything, it is made clear and plain. The accuser bewilders, confuses, and discourages. I also learned that our kind heavenly Father is not watching for an opportunity to cast us off, but rather he is seeking by the wooings of his gentle Spirit to lead us into green pastures and beside the still waters, where we may nourish our souls and become strong to meet the battles and trials of life. He will show us our shortcomings, but not in a way that will discourage or crush us.
Oftentimes while I was under such crus.h.i.+ng accusations, the tempter would say, ”How can you ever hope to preach the gospel, when you are so unsettled in your own experience?” One day there came to my mind the scripture in Eph. 3:20, which says that he is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we can ask or think. I decided that in some way G.o.d would work out his purpose concerning my life if I would patiently serve him to the best of my knowledge and ability.
INHERITED DISPOSITION TO WORRY
Another lesson I needed to learn was to trust G.o.d with the future. I was naturally inclined to worry. For several generations back my ancestors on one side of my family tree had been given to excessive worry, their condition at times bordering on utter despondency. I was painfully conscious of this inheritance in my const.i.tutional make-up. In my morbid imagination, nearly every threatening trouble was magnified to the proportion of a dreadful disaster. Many an hour, and even days, I wasted in useless worry. Perhaps not one tenth of my gloomy forebodings ever materialized.
FACING A NERVOUS COLLAPSE
In order to teach me more thoroughly the lesson of trust, the Lord permitted me to pa.s.s through a peculiar and severe trial. As I looked forward to the time when I hoped to take up the active work of the ministry, I had a great desire to be at my best in every way. I had hoped to be in good health so that I might be able to bear the strain of the work and to meet every emergency that might arise. But just as I was about ready to enter upon my life's mission, I found my health breaking and myself on the verge of a nervous breakdown. This was indeed a keen disappointment to me. My sufferings at times seemed almost intolerable.
I could not understand it: I longed so much to be of real service to G.o.d and to accomplish what I regarded as my life-work--the ministry.
Although the prospects seemed gloomy and my friends expected a complete breakdown in my health, yet I determined to go forward in the name of the Lord and to do the best I could. I even began to fear that my reason would be dethroned. However, I said nothing about my condition to my congregation, but sought to be a blessing to them in every way. I finally tried to form the habit of beginning each day with a season of thanksgiving for all the blessings I could think of. This proved to be very helpful.
RELIEVED BY HELPING OTHERS
Some days were more trying than others. While pa.s.sing through the severest tests I learned that it was very helpful to look for some other tried or tempted ones and do my best to cheer and comfort them. Just a few doors from where I roomed was a lady past middle age, who had been a sufferer for eleven years. She had been helpless during the greater part of that time. I went to see her often and did what I could to lighten her burdens. She knew nothing of my sufferings, however. She was so grateful for everything I did for her, and the Lord's presence was so real every time I talked or prayed with her that invariably I was abundantly helped in the very efforts put forth to cheer and comfort her. Sometimes my heart carried an almost intolerable burden; but after a call in this home of affliction, my burden would grow light and I would sometimes wonder which had been helped the more, she or I. Also, when I considered what she had endured for so long, I was ashamed to tolerate anything like discontent concerning my own lot, which, though seemingly so hard at times, was so much better and easier, in some respects at least, than hers.
There were times when, to add to my sufferings, Satan would bring against me accusations that I could not have borne without special help from G.o.d. Often the old temptations to doubt my experience of salvation would return with tremendous force, and if I had listened to the enemy's suggestions, I should have cast aside my experience in spite of all that G.o.d had ever done for me. The accuser would sometimes begin by suggesting that I had never been truly sanctified. (I obtained the experience of entire sanctification soon after entering the work of the ministry.) Then the enemy would become more bold and would suggest, ”You know that you have often had serious doubts concerning your experience of justification, and after all, perhaps you have never been truly converted.”
After annoying and distressing me in this manner, Satan would fling at me such taunts as these: ”You are a pretty example of a minister who is supposed to be truly called and qualified of G.o.d to preach his Word.”
Many times I would have a conflict like this just before rising to preach. If I had given way to feelings, I would rather have sought some place of quiet seclusion than to have faced the waiting congregation before me. But then the thought would come, ”Perhaps in the congregation there are tempted and tried souls who need special help”; and so I would decide to preach, not according to how I felt, but according to actual knowledge of G.o.d's Word, which is ever unchanging. It seemed that whenever I was most severely tried in this manner, I would get the greatest victory and blessing by moving out in the performance of whatever duty confronted me. Indeed, I do not remember a single instance when I failed to preach at the appointed hour on account of the state of my feelings.
I sometimes wondered why the conflict was so long, for I suffered thus month after month. Sometimes I comforted myself with the thought that some day death would bring relief; but I learned at last that G.o.d was only permitting these sufferings in order to refine the gold. My best and most helpful sermons were preached while I was in the very midst of the deepest suffering.
BECOMING RECONCILED
At last I came to realize that it mattered not so much, after all, how much I suffered, just so the people whom I served were helped and blessed; that true blessedness in life does not consist in freedom from suffering, but in accomplis.h.i.+ng one's mission in the world according to the divine plan.
CHRIST MORE REAL
Some of my most precious seasons of fellows.h.i.+p with Christ were experienced, when, in the absence of all feeling, except that of severe suffering, I would say by faith alone, ”Thou, O Christ, art by my side.
Thou wilt never leave me nor forsake me.” At last I accustomed myself to believe his presence was real in spite of my feelings, so that by faith I could almost imagine him at my side. As I walked, it seemed that we kept step together; as I faced my congregations, he stood by my side, unseen of course by physical eyes, but under such circ.u.mstances the natural eyes can not be compared with the spiritual sight for clearness of vision. I then learned what Paul meant to express when he said, ”While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal” (2 Cor. 4:18). ”Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory” (1 Pet. 1:8).