Volume I Part 32 (1/2)
There was another pause, during which neither spoke or moved, Julia overpowered by the excess of her feelings-he by the painful consciousness of wrong; the difficulty of explaining, of extenuating his own conduct; and above all, the dread of losing the enchanting creature, whom he had never loved so deeply or so truly as he did now, when he had well nigh forfeited all claim to her affection.
At length, she raised her eyes timidly to his, and said,
”This is all very strange-there must be much, that I have a right to hear.”
”There is much, Julia!-much that will be very painful for me to tell; and yet more so for you to listen to.”
”And will you tell it to me?”
”Julia, I will!”
”And all? and truly?”
”And all, and truly, if I tell you at all; but you-”
”First,” she said, interrupting him, ”read that strange letter to the end.
Then we will speak more of these things. Nay?” she continued, seeing that he was about to speak, ”I will have it so. It must be so, or all is at an end between us two, now, and for ever. I do not wish to watch you; there is no meanness in my mind, Paullus, no jealousy! I am too proud to be jealous. Either you are worthy of my affection, or unworthy; if the latter, I cast you from me without one pang, one sorrow;-if the first, farther words are needless. Read that wild letter to the end. I will turn my back to you.” And seating herself at the table, she took up a piece of embroidery, and made as if she would have fixed her mind upon it. But Paullus saw, as his glance followed her, that, notwithstanding the firmness of her words and manner, her hand trembled so much that she could by no means thread her needle.
He gazed on her for a moment with pa.s.sionate, despairing love, and as he gazed, his spirit faltered, and he doubted. The evil genius whispered to his soul, that truth must alienate her love, must sever her from him for ever. There was a sharp and bitter struggle in his heart for that moment-but it pa.s.sed; and the better spirit was again strong and clear within him.
”No!” he said to himself, ”No! I have done with fraud, and falsehood! I will not win her by a lie! If by the truth I must lose her, be it so! I will be true, and at least I can-die!”
Thereon, without another word, he read the letter to the end, neither faltering, nor pausing; and then walked calmly to the table, and laid it down, perfectly resolute and tranquil, for his mind was made up for the worst.
”Have you read it?” she asked, and her voice trembled, as much as her hand had done before.
”I have, Julia, to the end. It is very sad-and much of it is true.”
”And who is the girl, who wrote it?”
”Her name is Lucia Orestilla.”
”Orestilla! Ye G.o.ds! ye G.o.ds! the shameless wife of the arch villain Catiline!”
”Not so-but the wretched, ruined daughter of that abandoned woman!”
”Call her not woman! By the G.o.ds that protect purity! call her not woman!
Did she not prompt the wretch to poison his own son! Oh! call her anything but woman! But what-what-in the name of all that is good or holy, can have brought you to know that awful being's daughter?”
”First, Julia, you must promise me never, to mortal ears, to reveal what I now disclose to you.”
”Have you forgotten, Paullus, that I am yet but a young maiden, and that I have a mother?”
”Hortensia!” exclaimed the youth, starting back, aghast; for he felt that from her clear eye and powerful judgment nothing could be concealed, and that her iron will would yield in nothing to a woman's tenderness, a woman's mercy.
”Hortensia,” replied the girl gently, ”the best, the wisest, and the tenderest of mothers.”
”True? she is all that you say-more than all! But she is resolute, withal, as iron; and stern, and cold, and unforgiving in her anger!”
”And do you need so much forgiveness, Paullus?”