Part 18 (2/2)
”You look like h.e.l.l, too, and I'd like you to keep your opinions to yourself from now on.”
The muscles in his jaw tightened briefly,then he nodded. ”I will.”
”Cheap talk,” she snapped, allowing the rush of unexpected anger to give her strength. ”How long will that promise last? Until you're ready to explain exactly what's wrong with me? Who do you think you are, judging me all the time? Who gave you the right?”
His steady gaze never left hers. ”I don't have the right, Andie. I'm sorry. I know you don't want to hear that, but it's true. As for judging you-” He looked away. ”It's a joke. As if I'm any kind of a standard. Compared to me, you're a saint.” He rubbed the bridge of his nose. ”But what you think of me isn't our biggest problem. I still have to get you and Bobby off the island.”
In the pain of his rejection, she'd almost forgotten they were stuck here. ”Can you still help us?”
He stretched his long legs out in front of him. ”Yes. It'll take some doing, but I can get you two away from here. I have a friend who will help us.”
”How do you know he's willing to get involved?”
”He just is. I trust him with my life. More important, I trust him with yours.”
”Oh, please, don't waste your time with lines like that. You trust him with my life. As if my life has any value to you.” She leaned forward slightly and poked him in the arm. ”I was there last night, Mr. Jeff whoever-the-h.e.l.l-you-are. You looked at me as if I was dirt. No better than some wh.o.r.e.”
”I didn't mean-”
”I don't care what youmeant, I care about what you did.” She scrambled past him and stood up. ”I'm just Kray's ex-wife. Not good for anything, except maybe a fast, easy way to get off. I'm still good enough for that I guess.”
He glared up at her. ”It wasn't like that.”
”Oh? How was it? Look me in the eye and tell me you didn't once think about my being with Kray. Tell me you didn't try to stop, that you wanted to get away from me, but it was too late.”
He turned away. The silence was deafening.
It wasn't until that moment that she'd realized how much she'd wanted him to deny the truth. She was bruised enough that she would have been willing to accept a halfway decent lie. At least she would have tried to. She didn't want to know the truth. It hurt too much. She wanted Jeff to like her, to care about her the way she cared about him. She wanted him to admire her. But that would never happen. It was too late for them. No they wouldnever have found a right time. It wasn't meant to be.
”You used me,” she said, speaking slowly so her voice wouldn't crack. Sadness and shame filled her, but she wouldn't give in to the emotion. ”You took my body, you made me think I mattered,then you used me. You didn't care. Not even a little. And because I was once married to Kray, it was all right. You could be contemptuous and disdainful. I'm hardly human, right? My feelings don't matter. If you started to feel guilty, all you had to tell yourself was that I'd earned it.”
He stood up. She didn't move back. She let him tower over her. ”I didn't mean to hurt you,” he said.
”Yes, you did.”
He reached out toward her. She stayed in place until his hand was inches from her face, then she ducked away. He curled his fingers into his palm and dropped his arm to his side.
”I thought you at least liked me,” she said. ”The worst of it is,I was foolish enough to care about you and admire you for being strong and honorable. All the things Kray had never been. I thought-”
”Dammit, stop thinking,” he ground out. ”Don't care about me. You hear me? Don't care. I don't want that. I don't want-”
You. He didn't say the word, but she heard it. She took a step back.
”No.” He grabbed her arm and held her in place. ”That's not what I meant. I can't-” His eyes darkened with anguish.
She wanted to go to him and offer comfort, but she knew better. He was dangerous, and her heart was already close to breaking.
He released her. ”Just don't care about me.”
”Don't worry. Your att.i.tude is rapidly curing me of any gentle feelings I might have left. I'll leave you alone to your mourning. Your precious memories of Jeanne are safe.”
He sank back on the chaise and rested his elbows on his knees. He dropped his head to his hands. ”They're gone.”
She didn't know what he was talking about. Despite the need to protect herself, she took a step closer to him. ”You still remember her. I heard you call out her name while you were sleeping.”
”It wasn't her. It was the car bomb. The memories are fading faster and faster. I can't hold on to them. They've been fading for while, but since I've met you, they're slipping away even more.”
Since he'd met her? She didn't want to hope. And yet... How much of Jeff's att.i.tude and anger was really at himself? Was it easier to get mad at her rather than face the truth? Was she simply convenient? ”Maybe it's time to let them go.”
He raised his head and stared at her. His face was drawn, his mouth a straight line. ”I can't. They're all I have left.”
”Such a perfect love will surely live forever,” she said, tasting bitterness. Jeanne must have been an incredible woman to inspire Jeff to such loyalty. She couldn't imagine a man feeling that way about her. What magical powers did Jeanne possess? What were her secrets?
”It wasn't perfect,” Jeff said tonelessly. ”Not even close.”
That made it worse, Andie decided. She brushed her hair out of her face. Bad enough to have a man mourn a perfect love, but to know he continued to mourn an imperfect one meant there was no hope. If Jeanne was the ultimate woman, she, Andie, couldn't be expected to compete against her. But if Jeanne was flawed, then Andie simply didn't measure up.
”It's not what you think,” Jeff said.
She stared at the palm trees overhead. The air was warming and a slight breeze tugged at her T-s.h.i.+rt. ”How do you know what I'm thinking?”
”You think this is because of you, but it isn't.”
She stared at him. ”Is it because of Kray?”
Jeff nodded. ”Some of it. I know it's not your fault. I understand that in my head, but my gut isn't so willing to believe. I keep thinking you should have known somehow. It's not fair.”
”You're breaking my heart,” she said sarcastically, wondering why she was bothering to listen to him. Did it really matter why he'd done it? The reasons didn't affect his actions. He'd treated her badly last night and now he was trying to justify it.
He laced his hands together. ”Some of it is me. I don't want to like you. It makes me forget.”
His words tore at her protective defenses. ”How do you keep doing that?” she asked. ”I make up my mind that you're the bad guy,then you twist everything around so I'm supposed to be on your side again. Stop toying with me.”
”I'm being honest. You want to believe the best about me. That I'm some heroic warrior here to rescue you.” He laughed, but the sound had no humor. ”If you only knew the truth.” He shook his head and rose to his feet. ”It doesn't matter. I have to make arrangements to get you off the island.”
He started to walk away. She told herself to let him go. It would be better for both of them if she just put the whole thing behind her. It hadn't worked out. She would survive. She'd survived much worse in her life. Besides, she had to focus on keeping Bobby safe. And yet- ”What's the truth?” she asked before she could stop herself.
He'd already walked past her. He slowed,then turned to look at her. In that moment when their eyes met, she knew down in her soul she didn't want to hear what he had to say. His expression didn't change it was still unreadable. His gaze gave nothing away, his posture didn't change. But a soft voice whispered this was trouble. She wanted to run in the opposite direction. She wanted to call back the question.
The faintbreeze teased at his short blond hair and whipped open his s.h.i.+rt. His bare chest and the dark shading of his bruises reminded her of the danger and pa.s.sion they'd shared, before he'd recalled the past and destroyed everything.
”I thought you might have guessed,” he said.
”That you're here on a mission to arrest, or maybe kill Kray? Yes, I've figured that much out.”
”When are you going to get it? I'm not some white knight, Andie. I'm just a b.a.s.t.a.r.d with a grudge.”
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