Part 5 (1/2)
”Wha.s.sermarrer? Ahhhhhhhbalztoyer alllll.”
”There's early breakfast laid on for you.”
”I don't like people laying on my food!”
It was 05.00 hours, it wasn't fair! Who invented early? The late people were much happier, like the Late King George, or the Late Rasputin. I didn't bother to wash or shave. Red-eyed I ambled to the Cook House. ”How long you been dead?” said the Cook. The morning air was cool, light blue mist cast a hazy veil over the landscape. The dawn peace was shattered by the Fifth Mediums laying down a barrage. Breakfast was a surprise. The new Compo K rations had arrived, cases of tinned and dehydrated foods. We had scrambled egg, sausages and Ahhha Porridge.
”They're just fattening you up for the kill,” said the Cook.
0600: Bombardier Fuller and I set off. We skirted our guns to avoid the muzzle blast and Porridge. The ground was covered with a very light dew that was now drying out. Every twenty yards we stapled the wire to the ground.
[image]
The 1st round in anger- 79 79 Battery at War Battery at War
The sun came up, it was going to be a lovely day. Reaching the foot of the hill Bdr Fuller suddenly 'remembered' where the O.P. was, ”We was too far to the left.” (We?) ”You (You?) go and bring it this way.” I walked to where we'd dumped the cable. Unbeknown, I was under enemy observation. WHOOSH-BANG! Behind me a purple and red explosion. I was so surprised I walked to where it had happened when WHOSSH-BAM another one; I didn't like it, dropping the cable drum I made a tactical withdrawal to the foot of the hill.
[image]
British troops cutting German Laundry Lines
”They must have seen you,” says Fuller, a master of the obvious. Two more burst behind the crest, half a dozen more they, were searching for us. Then all quiet.
”Look,” I said, ”this is b.l.o.o.d.y dangerous work. I'm going to put in for a rise.”
”I (I?) must get this b.l.o.o.d.y line finished,” says Fuller, ”O.P. is straight up to the right of that tree.”
I payed out the line as he went forward. Nearer the crest he started to crouch and finally disappeared into the scrub. Now and then I'd feel a tug on the line as he freed it from some obstruction. I was holding the line when two Bren carriers of infantry pa.s.sed down the hill to my right.
”Fis.h.i.+ng, mate?” said a laconic voice. I made a time honoured gesture. Fuller re-emerged.
”Everything OK?” I asked .
”Yes.”
”Who's up there?”
”Lt Goldsmith and Bdr Edwards.”
”Let's get back,” I said. I now produced my new pipe, which I had bought to try and avoid smoking those b.l.o.o.d.y awful Vs. Having a pipe clenched in your teeth seemed to make you feel calm, thoughtful, unflappable.
Major Chater Jack: I see Milligan is smoking a pipe.
Sgt Dawson: Yes sir.
Major Chater Jack: He looks very good smoking it.
Sgt Dawson: Yes sir.
Major Chater Jack: He looks manly.
Sgt Dawson: Very manly.
Major Chater Jack: Unflappable?
Sgt Dawson: Definitely unflappable!
Major Chater Jack: What's he like as a soldier?
Sgt Dawson: b.l.o.o.d.y awful sir.
Rather than go back to the gun position we hung around at the foot of the O.P. hill yarning and smoking. Finally, towards evening, we started back.
”It was all a bit of an anti-climax,” Fuller said.
”Yes. I wonder which bit it was?”
I felt my chin. I had a three day growth. A dust storm was starting to blow up, I couldn't decide whether it was German or one of ours. In the middle of it, a staff car emerged from across the fields.
Me: Look Frank! In the middle of it, a staff car has emerged from across the fields!
It was General Alexander with some staff officers. They got out, pointed in all directions, leaped back in the car and shot off at speed. The rich have all the fun! Dusty and tired we arrived at the gun position. Lt Joe Mostyn had just returned from a meal with an Arab sheik. ”I had to eat three b.l.o.o.d.y sheeps' eyes!”
”Really?” I said, ”Bend down and you should be able to see out the back.”
Poor old Joe! He was not particularly good at Gunnery! On his first day at an O.P. he scored ten direct hits,-on a field. I pointed out there were no Germans in it.
”Ah,” he said, ”they may fall in the holes.”
”Of course,” I said, ”German Division surrenders with twisted ankle.”
”You've got got to miss sometimes,” he said, ”it's good for business! What a war! There I was just doing well in the Schmutter Trade, and this Schmoch Hitler comes along so, I have to switch from outsize blouses to battle-dresses. I'm just starting to do well again when to miss sometimes,” he said, ”it's good for business! What a war! There I was just doing well in the Schmutter Trade, and this Schmoch Hitler comes along so, I have to switch from outsize blouses to battle-dresses. I'm just starting to do well again when I I get called up. get called up. Me Me a soldier? This major says 'Mostyn, with your head for figures you're ideal for the R.A'. So here I am wasting sh.e.l.ls, a soldier? This major says 'Mostyn, with your head for figures you're ideal for the R.A'. So here I am wasting sh.e.l.ls, ten ten sh.e.l.ls, that's see...nearly 400 quid, sh.e.l.ls, that's see...nearly 400 quid, wasted wasted, for that I could have made three hundred and ten battle-dresses.”
The I.G. at war The I.G. at war I'm Captain Blenkinsop, I.G., I'm Captain Blenkinsop, I.G., Sent by mistake across the sea, Sent by mistake across the sea, To land upon this dismal sh.o.r.e To land upon this dismal sh.o.r.e And find myself involved in war. And find myself involved in war. Sad is the tale I have to tell- Sad is the tale I have to tell- For a man like me this war is h.e.l.l. For a man like me this war is h.e.l.l. For how can anyone expect, For how can anyone expect, My fall of shot to prove correct, My fall of shot to prove correct, When everything I tell the guns, When everything I tell the guns, Is interfered with by the Huns? Is interfered with by the Huns? When bombs are dropping down in rows When bombs are dropping down in rows How can I make my traverse close. How can I make my traverse close. Or take a bearing on the Pole Or take a bearing on the Pole While cowering in a muddy hole? While cowering in a muddy hole? It's plain that the opposing forces, It's plain that the opposing forces, Have not been on the proper courses. Have not been on the proper courses. But, worst of all, the other day, But, worst of all, the other day, When I was checking someone's lay, When I was checking someone's lay, The Germans rushed the gun position The Germans rushed the gun position Without the Commandant's permission. Without the Commandant's permission. I had to meet them, man to man, I had to meet them, man to man, Armed only with a Tetley fan. Armed only with a Tetley fan. O send me back to Salisbury Plain O send me back to Salisbury Plain And never let me rove again! And never let me rove again! Larkhill's the only place for me, Larkhill's the only place for me, Where I could live at ease and free Where I could live at ease and free And frame, with sharpened pencil stroke And frame, with sharpened pencil stroke A barrage of predicted smoke. A barrage of predicted smoke. Worked out for sixteen different breezes, Worked out for sixteen different breezes, With extra graphs, in case it freezes, With extra graphs, in case it freezes, For non-rigidity corrected, For non-rigidity corrected, And on a Merton Grid projected! And on a Merton Grid projected! O take me to the R.A. Mess, O take me to the R.A. Mess, To dwell in red brick happiness, To dwell in red brick happiness, Enfold my body, leather chair, Enfold my body, leather chair, And let me fight the War from there! And let me fight the War from there!