Part 101 (1/2)

I rest my elbows on the table and lean towards her. ”But that att.i.tude makes you so G.o.dd.a.m.n un.o.btainable and I want you more.”

”And that makes you so self-a.s.sured I want to know how that translates into bed, and properly this time.”

We stop and regard each other, both unable to hide our surprise.

”Well, that was some confession,” I say. ”On both sides.”

”When I said... what I mean is. I don't know what I mean.” Every time we've fought, every battle we won or lost, inevitably leads to this. Why else would Riley be so deep under my skin that she's as tattooed on my heart as the ink above?

”This is some weird s.h.i.+t,” I say. Another laugh bubbles from Riley. ”And so's that. You laughing. Why are you sad all the time?”

”Because I don't want to be here.” She drinks.

”No, not in the pub, you're unhappy all the time.”

”I am not.”

”The aggression you use to keep people out hurts you, though. I should know.”

Riley's eyes s.h.i.+ne as she dips her head. s.h.i.+t. I never meant to hit a sore point and a possible s.h.i.+ft into b.i.t.c.hiness again. ”Why am I unhappy? Ask yourself that same question, Nate, and you'll find the answer,” she says in a soft voice.

”I don't know you at all, do I?”

”No.”

”And I want to. Let me in.”

Riley tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. ”I think, considering our history, it may take me a little longer to let you in.”

And I say my word, the one I always use when the others fail or aren't allowed. ”Yeah.”

”Yeah,” she mimics.

I slide around onto the stool next to Riley, take her face in both hands, and kiss her. Really kiss her. Riley's tongue strokes my lips, and she opens her mouth to welcome mine. The voice inside shouts stop, but that's no longer an option. She tastes of orange juice and of Riley, the forbidden girl who I crave attention from. Who I want to take upstairs and get naked with. Now.

Riley draws away and places her fingers on my lips. ”You kissed again.”

”Yeah.” My heart thuds, body streaming with something strange. Affection. Need. Desire. All mingled into one confusing reaction. I long for the girl, who saw me once, to open her eyes to who I really am again. Totally, terrifyingly hers.

I want to smack myself around the head for the stupidity of falling into this. What if I take her down with me when I end up broken; both our hearts smashed again, and this time irreparable?

For the next ten minutes, we sit in silence and hold hands.

Yeah. This is some weird s.h.i.+t. What happens tonight when the bed situation arises? My promise I'll keep my hands off Riley doesn't stand anymore.

RILEY.

Has cabin fever messed with my mind enough that I trip over my moping and straight into Nate's arms? Each day that pa.s.ses, the further I am from reality. I've stopped working, and I spend more and more time thinking about Josh and my life outside work. About Nate.

I'm wary. Nate could be pa.s.sing the time and playing with me again; but each hour that goes by, I'm unsure he is. I'm reminded of the days we connected on the tour; the funny guy who would seek me out when he was drunk and talk to me. Who I repeatedly pushed away because he couldn't let go of the girls. Who told me he wanted me and then treated me like s.h.i.+t. Now I understand. Nate is screwed up and his way of coping isn't working. Reminds me of someone...

What happened with him and the girl from his past to cause him to treat every woman he gets close to like this? That's one h.e.l.l of a teen breakup.

I've never looked into a man's eyes and had the world fade to black around, then burst into new colours that push away the shadows in my heart. How many men have I met since Logan? Since Nate two years ago? Enough for the laws of the universe to find somebody compatible. Not a forever guy, but at least somebody who made me feel the way Nate once did and in such a short time.

There are thousands of guys I haven't yet met, but I know none of them will be a match for my heart. Some people meet who have no choice; they belong together or be forever missing a part of themselves. Unfortunately, the person I met who fits is also too much like me: too f.u.c.ked up and unavailable.

Do I believe that this could change? I don't need to because each second I spend alone with Nate, the parts of each other that fight to be together merge. The messed up parts that battle become subdued with each admission we make.

The idea takes my breath away; but the truth is, a deeper part of me can't exist without Nate and never will with anybody else.

16.

NATE.

The atmosphere in the pub this evening is infected with the news we'll be out by tomorrow. Riley loses some of the tension; I like to think that was partially me. George and Jason start the evening with celebratory beers, and of course, I join them. It would be rude not to, right?

Becca challenges us to another game of Monopoly and my compet.i.tive side comes out. This time the rivalry between Riley and me is friendlier and joining this is a relaxed intimacy. Why is a smile from Riley the brightest thing in my life for months?

Riley naked in bed is constantly in my thoughts too. The attraction never left, and I was telling her the truth that it intensified when we were at each other's throats. Now I don't want to show her I can win. I want her to share herself with me ”I'm gonna try calling Will again,” I say as Monopoly reaches its long, drawn-out conclusion. ”See if he'll come up tomorrow and drive us back to London.”

”That's a big ask,” Riley replies.

I stand. ”He's my brother. I can ask him for anything. We look out for each other.”

”Okay. Would be good of him.” She begins sorting through the Monopoly cards focusing on matching the colours.

”Yeah, we'll catch a taxi into Moortown and he can pick us up.”

”You have this all planned out,” she says.

”For days. He offered, but I haven't been able to catch him recently.” Riley nods, intent on her task. ”Back in five. Don't go anywhere.”

”Mmm hmm. Was planning a wild night out, but maybe I'll stay here.” Riley looks up at me and I hesitate. Screw it. I lean down and place my lips on hers just long enough for the thrill to hit me. I catch the stunned look from Becca as I walk away.

I head to the bedroom where I left my phone. I'm never without my phone. I'm a different man. Hah.

I call Will but no reply. Great. I want to work on finis.h.i.+ng my night with Riley in the way I'd like. My mind disappears on its own tangent. What are my chances? She blurted that she wanted s.e.x, and Riley's lying when she says she didn't know if she meant it.

No response from Will the next couple of times and I grit my teeth. He told me to call at eight. I wait, and drift off into my naked Riley fantasies. My phone rings, the sound of the Ruby Riot track ringtone a reminder of my world outside of this weird white one. Will.

”Hey, man,” I say as I answer.

”How's the cosy winter break going?” he asks with a laugh ”Haha. Bored.”

”You're in a pub! How could that ever equal boredom?”