Part 39 (1/2)

The worst part of all this is a small part of me expected Jax to proclaim his love for me again, to beg me to stay. To fight for us. To compromise.

I know Jax agrees. This is all too hard. The pa.s.sionate energy, which flows through our coming together, has built to an explosive level. The detonation of what surges between us was inevitable from the first time my lips met his. We can't contain the uncontrollable nature of what's between us because we don't have the strength yet.

The biggest, brightest life I've lived explodes with the intensity of a supernova and we're pulled into the black hole.

This is over.

41.

JAX.

I jump as somebody smacks me across the back of the head, and spin around. Will.

”What the f.u.c.k is wrong with you?” has asks. ”We're playing O2! Doesn't get much better than supporting Blue Phoenix in London! Well, until we're headlining here.”

”Yeah.”

”So stop looking b.l.o.o.d.y miserable!” Will shoves me again and I shove him back. ”Is it nerves?”

”Yeah.”

He shakes his head. ”Dude, get a grip. Here.” He thrusts an open bottle of beer at me.

I drink, not paying attention to whatever he's saying now, as we wait in the Green Room. Will's right, I should be totally focused on tonight, and all I can think about is the fight with Tegan. When Tegan told me she might leave, I lost the plot. Couldn't cope. Didn't want the conversation. The last few months everything I've wanted has happened; everything I've demanded in my world has been given. Now what I want most has slipped away because I overreacted. And, let's face it, behaved like a big b.l.o.o.d.y kid by leaving her.

Then today. I went to talk to Tegan, but the thought of losing her overrode common sense. Again. She tried to hide them; but I saw her tears, and my heart wrenched. I hurt her. The idea I caused Tegan pain crushes me when I promised her and myself I wouldn't.

I love her. Tegan matches music as my encompa.s.sing pa.s.sion. I have no clue how to deal with this relations.h.i.+p s.h.i.+t and my attempt to call her bluff yesterday f.u.c.king failed, of course. What the f.u.c.k do I do to fix this?

”He's got that look again.”

I snap out of my daydreams. Nate's appeared, and he and Will clutch at each other dramatically. ”Romeo and Juliet,” sn.i.g.g.e.rs Nate. ”Star-crossed lovers.”

”f.u.c.k off. You do realise they die in that play?”

Will shrugs. ”Who cares? What's with you and Tegan? Did you have a fight?”

I drink my beer and ignore him.

”Oh, man,” groans Nate. ”I knew this would happen. I hope you haven't p.i.s.sed off her brother.”

”None of your business!” I snap.

”Ah, well, you can forget about everything tonight. Play, get wasted, and find someone else,” replies Nate.

”You really don't get it, do you? I don't want anyone else.”

Will clutches his chest with mock dramatics. ”That's beautiful! Young love.”

”What's she got?” asks Nate, helping himself to yet another beer. ”Some awesome s.e.x moves keep you going back for more?”

I narrow my eyes. ”We're more than that.”

”Not just because she's a good f.u.c.k?”

In an instant, I'm over at Nate, slamming him against the wall. ”Don't you ever talk about Tegan like that!”

”Whoa, Jax!” says Will from behind.

Nate looks back at me in surprise and grabs my hand where I'm clinging onto his s.h.i.+rt, pus.h.i.+ng it away. ”Calm down, man. How was I to know you'd turned into such a p.u.s.s.y?”

I shove him in the chest and step back. ”Just because you can't treat a chick properly, doesn't mean we all have to!”

”Yeah? You forgotten three months ago? You were worse than me, you a.r.s.ehole!”

”Maybe I decided to stop being an a.r.s.ehole to women!”

”Very n.o.ble of you,” he scoffs. ”You'll be married with a f.u.c.king baby next. The band has no hope!”

The door opens and Ruby heads in. The tension enters with her; she's often stressed before a gig and tonight's a big one. At least she's looking better than a few months ago. Tonight she's wearing a loose grey top over her short skirt reflecting Ruby's self-consciousness over her body changing.

She halts and her eyes dart between us. ”What the h.e.l.l's going on?”

”Nothing,” I mutter.

”Then why do you look like you're about to kill each other?” Ruby gestures between Nate and me.

”It's fine. Don't worry,” says Nate, looking straight at me. ”Will, let's go.”

I loosen my hand on Nate's s.h.i.+rt and we stand head to head. His words p.i.s.sed me off more than anything he's said before. He might want to belittle the girls he hooks up with; but if he tries to cheapen Tegan, I swear I'll hit him f.u.c.king hard. What p.i.s.ses me off further is the disinterest in his eyes.

d.i.c.khead.

When I step back, he shrugs his s.h.i.+rt back into place. Will glances over his shoulder as they walk out of the door, and pulls a confused face. I watch them go, heart still thumping anger through my already wired body.

Ruby tips her head at the door. ”What's up?”

”Nothing.”

”Tegan?”

”No.”