Part 34 (1/2)
”Married!” he exclaimed. ”Are you joking?”
”I suppose you do regard it as a joke,” she said, listlessly, and with a little sigh. ”Such a serious step would seem funny in me, wouldn't it? But I am not what I used to be, d.i.c.k. I have been quite upset for a long time--in fact, ever since you married. Then again, your life, your ways, your constant brooding has had a depressing effect on me. d.i.c.k, it seems to me that you have been trying to--well, to be good ever since you married.”
He shrugged his shoulders. ”What is the use of talking about that, Marie?” he asked, avoiding her probing stare.
”It affected me a lot,” she returned, thoughtfully. ”I tried to keep up the old pace and care for the old things, but your turn about was always before me. d.i.c.k, you have puzzled me all along. You do not care a snap for your wife; what is it that makes you look like a ghost of your old jolly self?”
He shrank from her sensitively. ”I really don't like to talk about such things,” he faltered. ”Tell me about your marriage.”
”Not yet; one thing at a time.” She dropped her sunshade at her feet and locked her white hands over her knee. ”I shall never see you again after to-day, d.i.c.k, and I _do_ want to understand you a little better, so that when I look back on our friends.h.i.+p you won't be such a tantalizing mystery. d.i.c.k, you never loved me; you never loved your wife; but you _have_ loved some one.”
He lowered his startled glance to the ground. She saw a quiver pa.s.s over him and a slow flush rise in his face.
”What are you driving at?” he suddenly demanded. ”All this is leading nowhere.”
She smiled in a kindly, even sympathetic way. ”It can't do any harm, d.i.c.k, for, really, what I have found out has made me sorry for you for the first time in my life--genuinely and sincerely sorry.”
”What you have found out?” he faltered, half fearfully.
”Yes, and it doesn't matter how I discovered it, but I did. I happened to stay for a week at a little hotel in Ridgeyille last month, and a slight thing I picked up about your stay up there five years ago gradually led me on to the whole thing. d.i.c.k, I saw Dolly Drake one day on one of my walks. One look at her and the whole thing became plain.
You loved her. You came back here with the intention of marrying her and leading a different life. You would have done it, too, but for my threats and your partial engagement to your wife. You went against your true self when you married, and you have never gotten over it.”
He was unable to combat her a.s.sertions, and simply sat in silence, an expression of keen inner pain showing itself in his drawn lips.
”See how well I have read you!” she sighed. ”I always knew there was something unexplained. You would have been more congenial with your wife but for that experience. You are to blame for her dissatisfaction.
Not having love from you, she is leaning on the love of an old sweetheart. d.i.c.k, that pretty girl in the mountains would have made you happy. I read the article about her in the paper the other day. From all accounts, she is a remarkable woman, and genuine.”
Mostyn nodded. ”She _is_ genuine,” he admitted. ”Well, now you know the truth. But all that is past and gone. You forget something else.”
”No, I don't,” she took him up, confidently. ”You are thinking of your boy.”
Again he nodded. ”Love for a woman is one thing, Marie, but the love for one's own child pa.s.ses beyond anything else on earth.”
”Yes, when the child is loved as you love yours, and when you fancy that he is being neglected, and that you are partly responsible for it.
Oh, d.i.c.k, you and I both are queer mixtures! I may as well be frank.
Your struggles to make amends have had their effect on me. For a long time I have not been satisfied with myself. I used to be able to quiet my conscience by plunging into pleasure, but the old things no longer amuse. That is why I am turning over a new leaf. d.i.c.k, the man I am to marry knows my life from beginning to end. He is a good fellow--a stranger here, and well-to-do. My brother sent him to me with a letter of introduction. He has had trouble. He was suspected of serious defalcation, and the citizens of his native town turned against him.
All his old ties are cut. He likes me, and I like him. I shall make him a true wife, and he knows it. I am going to my brother in Texas and will be married out there. d.i.c.k, I shall, perhaps, never see you again, but, frankly, I shall not care. I want to forget you as completely as you will forget me. I only wish I were leaving you in a happier frame of mind. You are miserable, d.i.c.k, and you are so const.i.tuted that you can't throw it off.”
”No, I can't throw it off!” His voice was low and husky. ”I won't mince words about it. Marie, I am in h.e.l.l. I know how men feel who kill themselves. But I shall not do that.”
”No, that would do no good, d.i.c.k. I have faced that proposition several times, and conquered it. The only thing to do is to hope--and, d.i.c.k, I sometimes think there is something--a _little_ something, you know--in praying. I believe there is a G.o.d over us--a G.o.d of _some_ sort, who loves even the wrong-doers He has created and listens to their cries for help now and then. But I don't know; half the time I doubt everything. There is one thing certain. The humdrum church-people, whom we used to laugh at for their long faces and childish faith, have the best of the game of life in the long run. They have--they really have.”
He tried to blend his cold smile with hers, but failed. He stood up, and, extending his hand, he aided her to rise. ”This is good-by, then, forever,” he said. ”Marie, I think _you_ are going to be happy.”
”I don't know, but I am going to try at least for contentment,” she said, simply. ”There is always hope, and you may see some way out of your troubles.”
Quite in silence they walked back to the cottage gate, and there, with a hand-shake that was all but awkward, they parted. He tipped his hat formally as he turned away. Ahead of him lay the city, a dun stretch of roofs and walls, with here and there a splotch of green beneath a blue sky strewn with snowy clouds.