Part 13 (2/2)

It's imperative that you give full acknowledgement of what they are feeling in that moment. For example: ”It would be awful to feel that your parents were against you.”

”It must hurt so much to think that I love the baby more.”

”I can't image how painful it must be for you, feeling that my work is more important to me than you are.”

Once we understand what it is like to walk a mile in the child's shoes, we can be empathetic instead of defensive. That means we can put our energy toward finding ways to make improvements. It also helps us to keep our focus on the future and on our plans for improvement. It's so easy to want to revisit the past, a.s.sign blame and rekindle old fights. Use your communication skills to stay in the moment and listen, understand, empathize and move toward the future: ”I don't want you to think those things; how can we make it better?”

”It is never my intention to make you feel that way. How can we do better in the future?”

REBUILDING THE RELATIONs.h.i.+P.

How does one rebuild a relations.h.i.+p after it has taken a hit? It's about action! It's not enough to think, ”I love you.” It's not enough even to say, ”I love you.” We must show that we love our hurting child.

Love is a verb. Acting lovingly is the way to heal and rebuild. It also means working to meet our children in their world, instead of demanding they join ours. If you think your child is drift ing away 184 from the family, find out where he or she drifts to. Instead of insisting on eating a family meal (which is your idea of bonding), investigate with curiosity those things that are appealing activities to your child and get involved where you can: * Off er to be the videographer while your son practices his skateboarding tricks.

* Take you daughter shopping at the mall. Ask her for help upgrading your make-up or hairstyle.

* Buy a collaborative video game that requires two players to problem-solve together.

* Plan a short weekend trip somewhere they might like to go: an action hero convention out of town, a dinosaur museum in another town, white-water rafting . . . the list is endless.

* Sign up for intergenerational cla.s.ses: cooking, baking, karate, biking club, yoga, horseback riding. . . .

* Do a project together: fix a dirt bike, redecorate a room, build a fort, design a dress. . . .

The important part is the co-created experience. It's about being in the same bubble together. The more time you spend in that bubble, the more you will have shared experiences, shared memories, shared laughter, shared emotions, and you will fi nd yourselves improving the bond and getting more intimate. Th e relations.h.i.+p will continue to get healthier. It doesn't have to be a big weekly or monthly time-sink. In fact, just as important and powerful are all the little things you can do each and every day, in the moment, to show you care.

Here is a list of little but powerful ways to show your kids you care:185.

Ways to Show Your Kids You Care and Rebuild Your Relations.h.i.+ps Notice them.

Give them s.p.a.ce when they Smile a lot.

need it.

Acknowledge them.

Contribute to their collections.

Seek them out.

Discuss their dreams and night- Ask them about themselves.

mares.

Look in their eyes when you talk Laugh at their jokes.

to them.

Be relaxed.

Listen to them.

Kneel, squat or sit so you're at Play with them.

their eye-level.

Read aloud together.

Answer their questions.

Giggle together.

Tell them how terrific they are.

Say yes yes a lot. a lot.

Create a tradition with them and Tell them their feelings are okay.

keep it.

Set boundaries that keep them Learn what they have to teach.

safe.

Use your ears more than your Be honest.

mouth.

Be yourself.

Make yourself available.

Listen to their stories.

Show up at their concerts, games Hug them.

and events.

Forget your worries sometimes Find a common interest.

and concentrate only on Hold hands during a walk.

them.

Apologize when you've done Notice when they're acting something wrong.

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