Part 17 (1/2)
”Are you sure, Grace?” My supposed father asks me.
”Yes. Just go, please, I need time.” And with that I hold on to my bag and turn over so I can hide myself away from these men and the rest of the world.
Once I hear the door close leaving me all alone in the world as I have always been, I stare at my phone. Do I have the guts or even the courage to phone my mother? I don't think I really do, but there is a need much greater shouting at me to tell her what for. I switch it on and it comes alive in my hand and as soon as the menu bar comes up I don't hesitate to locate my mother's number. I press with a deep breath and put the phone to my ear, the constant ringing is a reminder of how pathetic my life is, that I am a worthless piece of s.h.i.+t. My mother constantly belittling me with her words repeating with every ring of the phone until someone picks up and I hear her voice.
”H...h.e.l.lo.”
”Is it all true, mother?”
”Arghhhh Grace, what do you want? Do you have any idea of the time?”
”Is it true?”
”What are you talking about, you stupid little girl?”
”My father! And I'm not a girl anymore mother, I'm a woman.”
”A woman, you're no woman. Only the devil does what you did. You destroyed everything.”
”That's just the thing, it wasn't all me was it?”
”What are you getting at?”
”I met someone. One Mr. Harding, my father.” All I can hear through the line is my mother's laughter, the same laughter that has imprisoned me within my own fear for far too long and at that moment for the first time ever I allow myself to crack under her cruelty.
”All this time you've lied to me, you let me think he left me, but all along you left him. You forced me to live a life without my father making me think it was to do with me. You treated me like dirt, the whole town treated me like dirt because of those lies and then when I needed you the most you believed the lies of a sick little boy. You made my life h.e.l.l. I hate you.”
”You hate me? You don't know all of it.” She laughs at me again and I can feel my blood begin to boil.
”I saw you in the photos with that man, Daniel saw you, so I thought I should prepare the world for what you're really like.”
”Why do you hate me enough to do this to me?”
”Did you really think someone like him could love the likes of you? You're worthless remember.”
”Why?”
”Because I, we, were happy before you came along. You arrived and we always had to be careful and whenever I did see him he was only interested in you and then his wife found out and she was livid. Before she confronted him she confronted me and to make you pay I took you away, but you always found ways to annoy me. That's why your young man won't stay for long.” I can't hear any more and with that I turn the phone off as I burst into fresh tears. I need to get away from here; I need to get away from this place and all its confusion and hate. I slowly get out of bed and make my way to the clothes. I put them on and then make my way to the door. I slowly open it and notice that the hallway is clear and I am directly opposite the lift. With a new coat on and my bag on my shoulder I go for it. I run from all the pain my life is once again bestowing upon me.
CHAPTER THIRTY FOUR.
SAMUEL.
My mind feels like it's in a f.u.c.king whirlpool. An endless path of pain and sorrow that there is no way out of till the woman I love will allow it. It had broken my heart to step away from her, but I knew it had to be done. I could see the pain and anger in her face as my uncle told her of his and her mother's history. She looked like a lost child in so much need of love and comfort that all I wanted to do was be everything that she would need. I want to be the one to restore her faith in humankind. The three of us sit around a table watching the world go by. As we sit there in silence all the while thinking of the same beautiful woman. I look up briefly to the window and see that there is some sort of activity going on and I don't know why, but I get a sense of fear rush through my veins.
”What's the matter, son?” My father asks and I don't know what to say, I just have a feeling that something has or will happen and I have to try to stop it.
”I don't know.” I look around the room as if the answers I hope for will present themselves like magic, but nothing happens except the doom in my heart.
”Grace.”
”What? Son, she's fine, she just needs some time.”
”No, she's going to do something stupid.” And with that I stand up so quickly that my chair falls back from behind me.
”Son?”
”I need to go to her” I race through the cafeteria to the closet lift and I can hear the shouts from my father and uncle from behind. When I get to the lift it takes too long and just as my father and uncle get to me I race through the doors and up the three flights of stairs. I don't know how long it takes me, but with each step I take it seems to take years till I am at the top of my Everest going through more doors, to find that the woman I love isn't there. I stand outside her door looking through the window and she isn't there.
Where is she? I crash through the door, search through the en suite, under the bed, and as I leave the room I search for a member of staff.
”Where is she?” I shout as I see a nurse at the other end of the hallway.
”I'm sorry sir, who do you mean?”
”M...Miss Ford where is she?”
”She's in her room”
”What's going on?” The doctor comes through a door just as I hear my father and uncle.
”Grace. She's not in her room.”
”What?” I hear everyone say at the same time and with it my heart becomes stone.
GRACE.
I manage to get through the hospital without any problem, but as soon as I step through the front doors I can see the crowds of press waiting for me as if I were their meal tickets out of their own lives. I manage to raise my hood further down my head to keep as much of my face hidden and as the fresh air hits me I see a yellow cab in the distance waiting for me as if it were there just for me. I carefully step towards it so as not to draw attention to myself, but just as my hand pulls the door open my hood falls down and my face is revealed to the ma.s.ses and with it comes too many shouts and flashes from the devil. I step into the cab and manage to close the door as quickly as I can.
”Where to, Miss?”
”Newark airport, please.”
”Sure thing.”
As the words leave his lips he pulls away from the hospital just as the press are banging on the window trying to get my attention, but what they don't know is that they really don't want it, I'm not worth enough for all this attention. We speed through the city and I take a glance inside my bag. I only have a small amount of change, but I have my debit card and I haven't touched my wages since they increased so I know there will be enough to get me home.
Do I want to go home?
What will I do when I get there? Just finish what I started and make a better job of it. That would be a good idea, all the pain and shame will go away and I could be at peace with nothing to harm me.
”Miss.”
”Miss.” As if by magic I hear the driver's voice in the distance getting closer and closer to drawing me back to the current situation and as I look out the window I realize that we are already there. I reach forward and give the driver his money before stepping out and rus.h.i.+ng to the airport entrance. I have no idea if the members of press would have followed me, but I don't want to risk it, I don't want to get caught in their trap. I go through the crowds of people till I can get to a front desk and ask for a ticket back home. Within half an hour I have my ticket and am slowly going through customs just hoping that I can make it to the flight without getting caught. I just want to make it back home to where I feel somewhat comfortable and make sense of everything that has gone on in the last forty eight hours. I'm in love with an amazing man, I have a father and an already made-up family so I should be the happiest person in the world, but I'm not. I am far from happy as I think of everything that has happened since when I think those memories would have happened. Everything my mother has ever told or done to me has messed me up so much that I always doubt my own worth. The reason I hate myself so much, the reason I can't think that the man I love could love me back is because of everything my mother ever told me. She drowned me in her words for so long that they have imprinted themselves into my inner workings making me so sure that her words are true. I hate her for doing it to me and I hate myself for listening and letting her get to me. I should have been stronger, but I was so young and so desperate for my mother's love and attention that I would believe anything she would tell me in the hope it would earn me her love. Her love was never there to be given, especially to me. She's the one that has been damaged so badly that she couldn't see what she had in front of her was worth fighting for. Just like me she ran away just as the going got tough and just like that I fear I am more like my mother than I ever realized, but the beauty is that I know and hopefully I can work through it. The guard hands me back my pa.s.sport and I walk through the security gates and through to the departure lounge to take my seat and await my flight.