Part 20 (1/2)

CHAPTER XVII

The Agonies of Aylmer

In the fresh cheerfulness of the early morning, after sleep, with the hot June sun s.h.i.+ning in at the window, Aylmer used to think he was better. He would read his letters and papers, dress slowly, look out of the window at the crowds on the pavement--he had come back to Paris--feel the infectious cheeriness and sense of adventure of the city; then he would say to himself that his trip had been successful.

He _was_ better. When he went out his heart began to sink a little already, but he fought it off; there would be a glimpse of an English face flas.h.i.+ng past in a carriage--he thought of Edith, but he put it aside. Then came lunch. For some reason, immediately after lunch his malady--for, of course, such love is a malady--incongruously attacked him in an acute form. 'Why after lunch?' he asked himself. Could it be that only when he was absolutely rested, before he had had any sort of fatigue, that the deceptive improvement would show itself? He felt a wondering humiliation at his own narrow grief.

However, this was the hour that it recurred; he didn't know why. He had tried all sorts of physical cures--for there is no disguising the fact that such suffering is physical, and so why should the cure not be, also? He had tried wine, no wine, exercise, distraction, everything--and especially a constant change of scene. This last was the worst of all. He felt so exiled in Sicily, and in Spain--so terribly far away--it was unbearable. He was happier directly he got to Paris, because he seemed more in touch with England and her. Yes; the pain had begun again....

Aylmer went and sat alone outside the cafe. It was not his nature to dwell on his own sensations. He would diagnose them quickly and acutely, and then throw them aside. He was quickly bored with himself; he was no egotist. But today, he thought, he _would_ a.n.a.lyse his state, to see what could be done.

Six weeks! He had not seen her for six weeks. The longing was no better. The pain seemed to begin at his throat, pressing down gradually on the chest It was that feeling of oppression, he supposed, that makes one sigh; as though there were a weight on the heart. And certain little memories made it acute; sudden flas.h.i.+ng vivid recollection of that last drive was like a sharp jagged tear. Had they ever been on nearer terms, and had she treated him badly, it would not have caused this slow and insidious suffering. He was a man of spirit; he was proud and energetic; he would have thrown it off. If he could have been angry with her, or despised her, he could have cured himself in time. Instead of that, all the recollections were of an almost sickening sweetness; particularly that kiss on the day he went to see her. And the other, the _second_, was also the last; so it had a greater bitterness.

'Rapture sharper than a sword, Joy like o sudden spear.'

These words, casually read somewhere, came back to him whenever he remembered her!

Aylmer had read, heard of these obsessions, but never believed in them.

It was folly, madness!

He stood up, tossing his head as though to throw it off.

He went to fetch some friends, went with them to see pictures, to have tea, and to drive in the Bois, accepting also an invitation to dine with a man--a nice boy--a fellow who had been at Oxford with him, and was at the emba.s.sy here, a young attache.

He was quite nice: a little dull, and a little too fond of talking about his chief.

Aylmer got home at about half-past six to dress for dinner. Then the torture began again. It was always worse towards evening--an agony of longing, regret, fury, vague jealousy and desire.

He stood and looked out of the window again at the crowd, hurrying along now to their pleasures or their happy homes. So many people in the world, like stars in the sky--why want the one star only? Why cry for the moon?

He had no photograph of her, but he still thought she was like his mother's miniature, and often looked at it. He wished he wasn't going to dine with that young man tonight. Aylmer was the most genial and sociable of men; he usually disliked being alone; yet just now being with people bored him; it seemed an interruption. He was going through a crisis.

Yes; he could not stand anyone this evening. He rang the bell and sent a _pet.i.t bleu_ to say he was prevented from dining with his friend.

What a relief when he had sent this--now he could think of her alone in peace....

She had never asked him to go away. It was his own idea. He had come away to get over it. Well, he hadn't got over it. He was worse. But it wasn't because he didn't see her; no, he didn't deceive himself. The more he saw of her the worse he would be. Not one man in a thousand was capable of feeling so intensely and deeply as Aylmer felt, and never in his life before had he felt anything like it. And now it came on again with the ebb and flow of pa.s.sion, like an illness. Why was he so miserable--why would nothing else do? He suddenly remembered with a smile that when he was five years old he had adored a certain nurse, and for some reason or other his mother sent her away. He had cried and cried for her to come back. He remembered even now how people had said: 'Oh, the child will soon forget.' But he wore out their patience; he cried himself to sleep every night. And his perseverance had at last been rewarded. After six weeks the nurse came back. His mother sent for her in despair at the boy's misery. How well he remembered that evening and her plain brown face, with the twinkling eyes. How he kissed his mother, and thanked her! The nurse stayed till he went to school and then he soon forgot all about her. Perhaps it was in his nature at rare intervals to want one particular person so terribly, to pine and die for someone!

That was a recollection of babyhood, and yet he remembered even now that obstinate, aching longing.... He suddenly felt angry, furious.

What was Edith doing now? Saying good-night to Archie and Dilly? They certainly did look, as she had said, heavenly angels in their night attire (he had been privileged to see them). Then she was dressing for dinner and going out with Bruce. Good heavens! what n.o.ble action had Bruce ever done for _him_ that he should go away? Why make such a sacrifice--for Bruce?

Perhaps, sometimes, she really missed him a little. They had had great fun together; she looked upon him as a friend; not only that, but he knew that he amused her, that she liked him, thought him clever, and--admired him even.

But that was all. Yet she _could_ have cared for him. He knew that. And not only in one way, but in every way. They could have been comrades interested in the same things; they had the same sense of humour, much the same point of view. She would have made him, probably, self-restrained and patient as she was, in certain things. But, in others, wouldn't he have fired her with his own ideas and feelings, and violent pa.s.sions and enthusiasms!

She was to be always with Bruce! That was to be her life!--Bruce, who was almost indescribable because he was neither bad, nor stupid, nor bad-looking. He had only one fault. _'Il n'a qu'un defaut--il est impossible,'_ said Aylmer aloud to himself.

He took up a book--of course one of _her_ books, something she had lent him.