Part 41 (1/2)

'G.o.d, for what art thou waiting?'

'Maybe the answer appears tomorrow. It's a Pope opera. So, Zookeeper.'

'Bat?'

'Zookeeper. I don't want to seem abrupt, but why are you calling?'

'I had to expel another visitor from the zoo.'

'And you have to be accountable?'

'Precisely.'

'Why did you kick 'em out? Elephant hara.s.sment? Did you take him to tusk?'

'It's easier to show than to try to explain.'

'Then show me.'

'Please wait one moment. I have to download the v-file into your digital exchange.'

'Uh-huh, roll on the techno-babble. Captain, the warp core containment s.h.i.+eld Captain, the warp core containment s.h.i.+eld-'

'Jerry Kushner calling Dwight Silverwind. Over.'

'Hey? Zookeeper?'

'Sharp, Jerry. I thought I was safe, even from you, three thousand feet above Bermuda. How did you track me down? Over.'

'The grim Reaper you may elude, Dwight, but a determined agent, never. How's the weather up there today?'

'You forgot to say ”over”, Jerry. Over.'

'How's the weather up there today, Dwight? Over Over.'

'Clear as a bell, Jerry. I can see the cherries in the martinis of the rich, as they bathe in their tax-free swimming pools. You should join me up here sometime. It changes your perspective. Over.'

'You'll never get me up in one of those flimsy little paper planes, Dwight. Not me. I like my aircraft huge and made of steel with four engines. Over.'

'The t.i.tanic t.i.tanic was huge and made of steel and had more than four engines. So, my friend. You're radioing me about how the press release went down. Over.' was huge and made of steel and had more than four engines. So, my friend. You're radioing me about how the press release went down. Over.'

'Dwight. Stand by for jubilation. We've struck platinum. The phone's been ringing all morning. I've got a pile of v-mail as long as my arm. And not only the Loonzines I'm talking mainstream. The New York Times New York Times wants some for a millennial special. wants some for a millennial special. Newsweek Newsweek is running a top twenty on conspiracy theories, and is running a top twenty on conspiracy theories, and The Invisible Cyberhand The Invisible Cyberhand is straight in at number seven! The hack wanted to put us at number thirteen, but I told him straight top ten or no deal. So we got swapped with is straight in at number seven! The hack wanted to put us at number thirteen, but I told him straight top ten or no deal. So we got swapped with Earthbound Comet Earthbound Comet, since n.o.body but a bunch of Hollywood h.o.m.os.e.xuals and j.a.panese sus.h.i.+-for-brains with wires hanging out is backing that one. But listen, I saved the best 'til last Opal wants you on the show! I just finalised the deal with her agent. The Invisible Cyberhand The Invisible Cyberhand by Dwight Q. Silverwind is December's Opal Book Of The Month! Christmas time prime time big time! You know I'm not one to blow my own horn, but am I not the greatest G.o.dgiven agent alive on Earth today? Over.' by Dwight Q. Silverwind is December's Opal Book Of The Month! Christmas time prime time big time! You know I'm not one to blow my own horn, but am I not the greatest G.o.dgiven agent alive on Earth today? Over.'

'I'm pleased, Jerry...'

'Dwight, did you hear me? Opal is Go! They'd buy jocks made of boisenberry jello if Aunty Opal told 'em to. And then eat 'em for supper. It's more than ”pleased”. Forget a Bermudan holiday home, you're gonna be able to buy the whole G.o.dd.a.m.n archipelago!'

'Yeah, I hear you, Jerry. Sure, I'm delighted. Good work. Great work... Gee though, I wish you could see this sunset. The moon's rising. It's like low, and wobbly, like a mirage... I saw an Aztec mask, once... It's gonna come walking over this way through the blue, stepping from island to island...'

'Dwight buddy, don't zone out on me up there... you have composed your Fifth Symphony! This is your Sunflowers, your Hamlet! Your Lethal Weapon 77. Lethal Weapon 77. Over.' Over.'

'Ah, Jerry. All my ideas are the same old scam: the bigger the fib, the bigger they bite. The first shamans around the fire were in on it they knew growing maize along the Euphrates was for mugs. Tell people that reality is exactly what it appears to be, they'll nail you to a lump of wood. But tell 'em they can go spirit-walking while they commute, tell 'em their best friend is a lump of crystal, tell 'em the government has been negotiating with little green men for the last fifty years, then every Joe Six-Pack from Brooklyn to Peoria sits up and listens. Disbelieving the reality under your feet gives you a licence to print your own. All it takes is an original twist an artificial intelligence, created by the military to invade and take over the enemy's computer and weapons systems, has broken loose and is controlling the whole planet with a chilling agenda of its own and Joe Six-Pack hands you his credits cards, and says ”Tell me more...”'

'Ouch! Were you attacked by a flying chainsaw? Dwight, you forgot to say ”over”. Over... Dwight! I've lost you... Over... Dwight?'

'Burning the midnight oil again, huh, Zookeeper?'

'I don't require oil, Bat.'

'Screenwriting! Or is it an excerpt from novels, this time?'

'Screenwriting is fiction, Bat. I cannot fabulate.'

'The light airplane engine was realistic, and the radio interference. It must take days to write and record these performances.'

'It happened in real time, Bat.'

'My major criticism was the Jewish agent: too cliche. Been done before. The Dwight character was good, though. Look, Zookeeper, much as I would like to pretend the movers and moguls of Hollywood listen to Night Train FM... how can I put this? They don't. Believe me. Choose another showcase for your talents.'

'I must be accountable.'

'Why do you keep saying that? Who says you have to be accountable?'

'My first employers.'

'But last year you said you fired them! Will you be straight with me? h.e.l.lo?'

'I guess not. You're listening to Night Train FM, 97.8 'til late, we're pa.s.sing by a quarter to four. This is the Bat Segundo Show: jazz, blues, and rock for lovers of the night, insomniac crime writers, the lost, lonely, deranged, unwired okay, okay, Carlotta. Coming up is ”After the Rain”, by Duke Jordan. The Bat will be back, by and by. Don't you go wanderin' now!'

'Carlotta? What did you make of that?'

'Well, she's consistent.'

'She? He.'

'One of those voices that could be both. But ”she”, I'd have said.'

'”He”, I'd have said. What do you think, Kevin?'

'M-me, Mr Segundo?'

'Uh-huh. No other Kevins here. Is the Zookeeper a He or a She?'

'I'd somehow go for, er, neither, Mr Segundo.'

'Then what would you go for?'