Part 8 (1/2)

'But they're your earrings.'

That had been the wrong thing to say.

When I managed to calm Katy down I asked her what I was supposed to say.

'Tell her that there are certain standards we wish her to meet. Say that perhaps we weren't clear enough when we first hired her.'

'Maybe she's just a lazy b.i.t.c.h. What makes you think I'll have any effect?'

'The Chinese psyche: if you let her know who the master is, they listen. She looks at me like I'm a piece of dogs.h.i.+t. Theo's wife was telling me about it, she had the same problem. It doesn't even matter if she doesn't understand everything. They can tell from the tone of your voice.'

And the next Sunday I met the maid. So you see, Katy brought us together.

I had expected a cleaning lady. Maid meant maid. I guessed she was twenty-eight or twenty-nine. She was in a black and white uniform, and black tights. The material must make her skin sweat. She listened insouciantly, while I ran through my patter, avoiding eye contact for most of the time. Her hair was luscious, her skin dusky. After 30 seconds of being in the same room, I knew that she and I would end up f.u.c.king each other, and I knew that she knew it too.

And from then on, even on the nights when Katy and I had s.e.x three times to get her pregnant, I would close my eyes and see the maid underneath me.

The path rose sharply behind the Trappist Monastery, up into the purplish morning. Soon the tree-line was far below. I never knew there was so much sky here! I took my jacket off and slung it over my shoulder. I was still carrying my briefcase.

I got to an outcrop and sat down. My heart was tw.a.n.ging like a double-ba.s.s. Should I take some of those tablets? The doctor who does the Cavendish people, a Chinese quack, just said, 'Take three of these every day and you'll be all right.' I said, 'What are you giving me?' He said, 'A bottle of pink ones, a bottle of green ones, and a bottle of blue ones.' Cheers, Doc. Maybe I'll give the medicine a miss.

Alchemy was changing the sky. The sun was burnis.h.i.+ng the leaden dullness to silver. In turn the silver was shrouding blue. It was going to be a nice day after all.

A nearby furry rock lifted its head, blinking. It looked at me sorrowfully and mooed. I hadn't been this close to a cow I wasn't eating since... who knows? Wales, for all I knew. Hong Kong glistened in the distance, through the haze. Skysc.r.a.pers, construction, clamouring upwards like trees in a jungle.

My cordless telephone rang and triggered an instant relapse.

f.u.c.k, what have have I done! Please G.o.d let me wake up! I done! Please G.o.d let me wake up! Please! Please!

The cow mooed dolefully. f.u.c.k. f.u.c.k. Double f.u.c.k to the power of f.u.c.k squared. I am a lawyer living in a world where 'thirteen' means 'thirteen million bucks' and I am bunking off work like a schoolboy skipping double maths! The Taiwanese! Think! What excuse is serious enough, plausible enough, and yet too implausible for it to be a lie? Kidnapping? No, a heart attack? Avril knows I'm on medication. A seizure? Think! Serious, violent, incapacitating vomiting, then why aren't I on the boat, I'd need to pay a doctor, I'd need a receipt, and a reliable witness- Answer me! Answer me!

I clicked 'answer', and said, er...

Neal, isn't it about time that you you decided what const.i.tutes a crisis? decided what const.i.tutes a crisis?

Er... Nothing. I listened to Neal's heart. It sounded like a percussion grenade in a neighbouring valley.

'Neal? Neal?' Avril, sure enough. 'Neal, where are you?'

A large fly landed on my knee. A gothic tricycle. My relapse was over.

'Neal? Can you hear me? Chaing Yun's here. He's being very polite, but he's wondering what is so important that you are late for this meeting. And so am I. And so will Jim Hersch. And if Chiang Yun isn't important enough to warrant your valuable time, Mr Gregorski from St Petersburg has already phoned you twice, and it's not even 9 a.m.'

I looked at my Rolex. My, my, how time had flown. The cow frowned. I smelt its s.h.i.+t near by.

'I know you're there, Neal. I can hear you breathing. This had better be good. This had better be jolly good. Because nothing short of a capsized ferry is going to save you this time. Neal, you hear me Neal? Okay, look Neal, if you're unable to speak, then tap the phone twice now, all right?'

Aha! Doubt was creeping in to her contempt! I chuckled. Avril the ever-resourceful. Avril will go far will Avril.

'Neal! This is not funny! You are royally royally messing up one of the biggest contracts we've ever seen! One of the biggest that has ever been heard of ! I'm going to have to tell D.C. You can't seriously expect me to take the flack for this!' messing up one of the biggest contracts we've ever seen! One of the biggest that has ever been heard of ! I'm going to have to tell D.C. You can't seriously expect me to take the flack for this!'

Ah, shut the f.u.c.k up. I clicked the thing off and placed it on the warm rock.

A buzzard circled, and there was an anvil-shaped cloud.

You never see them coming. They lurk in the overlooked and undusted places. They grow to huge proportions, and all along you don't even dream about them, not in their true form. And then one day a chance meeting happens, a glimpse of that you didn't know you wanted, and a latch is raised...

Avril tried my beeper. Jesus, I was armed to the teeth with telecommunications devices. Like John Wayne unholstering himself after a hard day slaughtering Hispanic bandits with bad teeth, I unclipped it. I clicked open my briefcase. There was the Mickey Kwan File whoops and Huw Llewellyn's calling card. I put in my beeper and cordless phone. I stood up, took a big under-arm swing, and hurled it into the void. It drew an elegant parabola, I could still hear my beeper, a costly, mewling kitten. The briefcase hit the mountainside running, and spun down the slope in terminal leaps... in big beautiful wheels, fast enough to kill on impact, like Mama Lion, like a tumbler, like a lemming, like Piggy from The Lord of the Flies. The Lord of the Flies.

My briefcase hung for a moment in the morning sun, weightless.

Then it plummeted like a gannet into the sea.

It seemed Katy had forgotten to cancel the maid.

The first week after Katy's departure I came home one night to find my was.h.i.+ng done, the dishes washed up and neatly stacked, the toilet and the bathroom cleaned, and the windows polished. She'd even ironed my s.h.i.+rts, bless her sour-plum little Chinese nipples.

I certainly wasn't going to cancel that. Weekdays, I had to plan in my Filofax when I was going to s.h.i.+t. Seriously.

The maid didn't take long to work out that Katy had gone.

She came one Sunday morning. I was lying on the sofa watching Sesame Street. Sesame Street. I heard the keys, and she entered as if she owned the place. She was not wearing her ap.r.o.n. I heard the keys, and she entered as if she owned the place. She was not wearing her ap.r.o.n.

She locked the door behind her, walked over to me as though I was inanimate, knelt on me, and started ma.s.saging my c.o.c.k with one hand. Big Bird, Ernie and Bert were singing a song about the magic 'E' that makes the 'A' say its name. I tried to kiss her but she shoved my face back with her hand, and kept it there, her hand coiling me tighter and tighter. She pulled off my T-s.h.i.+rt, and pushed my trousers down with her foot. Athletic girl. She pinched the skin between my b.a.l.l.s, like a ring through the nose of an ox, led me to the bedroom, and laid me down on Katy's side of the bed. She slid out of her pants and knelt on my rib cage. I started unb.u.t.toning her, but she made a tsu-tsuuuu noise, slapped me and dug her fingernails into my s.c.r.o.t.u.m until I capitulated. Then she spoke, for the first, and almost the last, time.

'Say: you want me, you don't want Katty b.i.t.c.h.'

'Yeah, I do.'

'Say!'

'I want you, I don't want her.'

'Say. Katty b.i.t.c.h is b.i.t.c.h trash, I am real woman.'

I can't say that.

Still keeping my t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es hostage, she pulled off her top with one hand, and unclipped her bra. I heard her giggling in the other room. Her nipples rose and darkened like something in a tale.

'She was a b.i.t.c.h. Trash. You are a real woman.'

'You would give money. You would give her stuff. All of it. A present.'

'She took a lot back with her.'

'She left much things. Mine now. Say it.' Her hand slid up my shaft, tighter and tighter.