Part 4 (2/2)
Mrs. Magruder continued. She explained that when she accepted Mr.
Magruder he seized her hand, and she required the cla.s.s to explain what it was that Mr. Magruder actually had hold of.
The students replied that he held in his grip twenty-seven distinct bones, among which might be mentioned the phalanges, the carpus and the metacarpus.
The beautiful creature who was incredulous concerning the diaphragm suggested that he also had hold of the deltoid. But the others scornfully suggested that the deltoid was a muscle; they knew, because they had dissected one that very morning. The discussion became so exciting that thumb-lancets were drawn, and there seemed to be a prospect of bloodshed, when the professor interfered and demanded of the girl who had begun to cry about the deltoid what was the result when Mr.
Magruder kissed her.
”Why merely a contraction of the orbicularis oris muscle; thus,” said the student as she leaned over and kissed Mr. Magruder.
Magruder's brother, in the closet, thought maybe it wasn't so very solemn for Magruder after all. He considered this portion of the exercises in a certain sense soothing.
But all the students said it was perfectly scandalous. And the professor herself, after informing the offender that hereafter when ill.u.s.tration of any point in the lesson was needed it would be supplied by the professor, ordered her to go to the foot of the cla.s.s, and to learn eighty new bones as a punishment.
”Do you hear me, miss?” demanded the professor, when she perceived that that blooming contractor of the orbicularis oris did not budge.
”Yes,” she said, ”I am conscious of a vibration striking against the membrana tympanum, and being transmitted through the labyrinth until it agitates the auditory nerve, which conveys the impression to the brain.”
”Correct,” said the professor. ”Then obey me, or I will call my biceps and flexors and scapularis into action and put you in your place by force.”
[Ill.u.s.tration: ”A GENERAL ATTACK ON THE SUBJECT.”]
”Yes, and we will help her with our spinatus and infra-spiralis,”
exclaimed the rest of the cla.s.s.
[Ill.u.s.tration]
Magruder's brother in the gloom of his closet did not comprehend the character of these threats, but he had a vague idea that the life of that lovely young saw-bones was menaced by firearms and other engines of war of a peculiarly deadly description. He felt that the punishment was too severe for the crime. Magruder himself, he was convinced, would have regarded that orbicularis operation with courageous fort.i.tude and heroic composure.
Mrs. Magruder then proceeded to give the cla.s.s practice in certain operations in medical treatment. She vaccinated Magruder on the left arm, while one of the students bled his right arm and showed her companions how to tie up the vein. They applied leeches to his nose, under the professor's instructions; they cupped him on the shoulder blades; they exercised themselves in spreading mustard plasters on his back; they timed his pulse; they held out his tongue with pincers and examined it with a microscope, and two or three enthusiastic students kept hovering around Magruder's leg with a saw and a carving-knife, until Magruder's brother in retirement in the closet shuddered with apprehension.
But the professor restrained these devotees of science; and when the other exercises were ended, she informed the students that they would devote a few moments in conclusion to study of the use of the stomach-pump.
Dr. Jones continued: ”I shall not enter into particulars concerning the scene that then ensued. There is a certain want of poetry about the operation of the weapon just named, a certain absence of dignity and sentiment, which, I may say, render it impossible to describe it in a manner which will elevate the soul and touch the moral sensibilities. It will suffice to observe that as each member of the cla.s.s attacked Magruder with that murderous engine, Magruder's brother, timid as he was, solemnly declared to himself that if the cla.s.s would put away those saws and things he would rush out and rescue his brother at the risk of his life.
”He was saved the necessity of thus imperiling his safety. Magruder began to revive. He turned over; he sat up; he stared wildly at the company; he looked at his wife; then he sank back upon the sofa and said to her, in a feeble voice:
'Henrietta, somehow or other I feel awfully hungry!'”
[Ill.u.s.tration]
”Hungry! Magruder's brother considered that, after that last performance of the cla.s.s, Magruder ought to have a relish for a couple of raw buffaloes, at least. He emerged from the closet, and seizing a chair, determined to tell the whole story. Mrs. Magruder and the cla.s.s screamed, but he proceeded. Then up rose Magruder and discussed the subject with vehemence, while his brother brandished his chair and joined in the chorus. Mrs. Magruder and the cla.s.s cried, and said Mr. Magruder was a brute, and he had no love for science. But Mr.
Magruder said that as for himself, 'hang science!' when a woman became so infatuated with it as to chop up her husband to help it along. And his brother said he ought to put in even stronger terms than that. What followed upon the adjournment of the cla.s.s is not known. But Magruder seems somehow to have lost much of his interest in medicine, and since then there has been a kind of coolness between him and the professor.”
I shall repeat this extraordinary narrative to Mr. Parker. He ought to be aware of the propensities of his prospective mother-in-law beforehand, so that he may not encounter the dangers which attend her devotion to her profession without realizing the fact of their existence. Admitting that Jones adheres closely to truth in his statement, we may very reasonably fear that Mrs. Magruder would not hesitate to vivisect a mere son-in-law, or in an extreme case to remove one of his legs. A mother-in-law with such dangerous proclivities ought not to be accepted rashly or in haste. Prudence requires that she should be meditated upon.
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