Part 25 (2/2)
”There's nothing here for me; I can see that. What's the use of my eating my heart out over the way I've been treated? I've given the best years of my life to this railroad, and now they turn me down with a kick and a curse. It's the old story of the Indian and his dog, only I don't propose to let them make soup of me. I'm going to the coast, Marion. I'm going to California, where I wanted to go when we were married, and I wish to G.o.d we had gone there then. All our troubles might never have been if I had got in with a different crowd from these cow-boozers on the start. And, Marion, I want to know whether you'll give me another chance and go with me.”
Sinclair, on the bench and leaning against the tree, sat with folded arms looking at his wife. Marion in a hickory chair faced him.
”No one would like to see you be all you ought to be more than I, Murray; but you are the only one in the world that can ever give yourself another chance to be that.”
”The fellows in the saddle here now have denied me every chance to make a man of myself again on the railroad--you know that, Marion. In fact, they never did give me the show I was ent.i.tled to. I ought to have had Hailey's place. Bucks never treated me right in that; he never pushed me in the way he pushed other men that were just as bad as I ever was. It discouraged me; that's the reason I went to pieces.”
”It could be no reason for treating me as you treated me: for bringing drunken men and drunken women into our house, and driving me out of it unless I would be what you were and what they were.”
”I know I haven't treated you right; I've treated you shamefully. I will do anything on earth you say to square it. I will! Recollect, I had lived among men and in the same country with women like that for years before I knew you. I didn't know how to treat you; I admit it.
Give me another chance, Marion.”
”I gave you all that I had when I married you, Murray. I haven't anything more to give to any man. You would be disappointed in me if I could ever live with you again, and I could not do that without living a lie every day.”
He bent forward, looking at the ground. He talked of their first meeting in Wisconsin; of the happiness of their little courts.h.i.+p; he brought up California again, and the Northwest coast, where, he told her, a great railroad was to be built and he should find the chance he needed to make a record for himself--it had been promised him--a chance to be the man his abilities ent.i.tled him to be in railroading.
”And I've got a customer for the ranch and the cows, Marion. I don't care for this business--d.a.m.n the cows! let somebody else chase after 'em through the sleet. I've done well; I've made money--a lot of money--the last two years in my cattle deals, and I've got it put away, Marion; you need never lift your hand to work in our house again. We can live in California, and live well, under our own orange trees, whether I work or not. All I want to know is, will you go with me?”
”No! I will not go with you, Murray.”
He moved in his seat and threw his head up appealingly. ”Why not?”
”I will never be dishonest with you; I never have been and I never will be. I have nothing in my heart to give you, and I will not live upon your money. I am earning my own living. I am as content as I ever can be, and I shall stay where I am and do what I am doing till I die, probably. And this is why I came when you asked me to; to tell you the exact truth. I am not a girl any longer--I never can be again. I am a woman. What I was before I married you I never can be again, and you have no right to ask me to be a hypocrite and say I can love you--for that is what it all comes to--when I have no such thing in my heart or life for you. It is dead and gone, and I cannot help it.”
”That sounds pretty hard, Marion.”
”It is only the truth. It sounded fearfully hard to me when you told me that woman was your friend--that you knew her before you knew me and would know her after I was dead; that she was as good as I, and that if I didn't entertain her you would. But it was the truth; you told me the truth, and it was better that you told it--as it is better now that I tell it to you.”
”I was drunk. I didn't tell you the truth. A man is a pretty tough animal sometimes, but you are a woman and a pure one, and I care more for you than for all the other women in the world, and it is not your nature to be unforgiving.”
”It is to be honest.”
He looked suddenly up at her and spoke sharply: ”Marion, I know why you won't go.”
”I have honestly told you.”
”No; you have not honestly told me. The real reason is Gordon Smith.”
”If he were I should not hesitate to tell you, Murray, but he is not,”
she said coldly.
Sinclair spoke harshly: ”Do you think you can fool me? Don't you suppose I know he spends his time loafing around your shop?”
Marion flushed indignantly. ”It is not true!”
”Don't you suppose I know he writes letters back to Wisconsin to your folks?”
”What have I to do with that? Why shouldn't he write to my mother? Who has a better right?”
”Don't drive me too far. By G.o.d! if I go away alone I'll never leave you here to run off with Whispering Smith--remember that!” She sat in silence. His rage left her perfectly quiet, and her unmoved expression shamed and in part silenced him. ”Don't drive me too far,” he muttered sullenly. ”If you do you will be responsible, Marion.”
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