Part 13 (1/2)
I shall not however complain--There are misfortunes so great, as to silence the usual expressions of sorrow--Believe me, there is such a thing as a broken heart! There are characters whose very energy preys upon them; and who, ever inclined to cherish by reflection some pa.s.sion, cannot rest satisfied with the common comforts of life. I have endeavoured to fly from myself and launched into all the dissipation possible here, only to feel keener anguish, when alone with my child.
Still, could any thing please me--had not disappointment cut me off from life, this romantic country, these fine evenings, would interest me.--My G.o.d! can any thing? and am I ever to feel alive only to painful sensations?--But it cannot--it shall not last long.
The post is again arrived; I have sent to seek for letters, only to be wounded to the soul by a negative.--My brain seems on fire. I must go into the air.
MARY.
LETTER LVIII
_[Laurvig, Norway] July 14 [1795]._
I am now on my journey to Tonsberg. I felt more at leaving my child, than I thought I should--and, whilst at night I imagined every instant that I heard the half-formed sounds of her voice,--I asked myself how I could think of parting with her for ever, of leaving her thus helpless?
Poor lamb! It may run very well in a tale, that ”G.o.d will temper the winds to the shorn lamb!” but how can I expect that she will be s.h.i.+elded, when my naked bosom has had to brave continually the pitiless storm? Yes; I could add, with poor Lear--What is the war of elements to the pangs of disappointed affection, and the horror arising from a discovery of a breach of confidence, that snaps every social tie!
All is not right somewhere!--When you first knew me, I was not thus lost.
I could still confide--for I opened my heart to you--of this only comfort you have deprived me, whilst my happiness, you tell me, was your first object. Strange want of judgment!
I will not complain; but, from the soundness of your understanding, I am convinced, if you give yourself leave to reflect, you will also feel, that your conduct to me, so far from being generous, has not been just.--I mean not to allude to fact.i.tious principles of morality; but to the simple basis of all rect.i.tude.--However I did not intend to argue--Your not writing is cruel--and my reason is perhaps disturbed by constant wretchedness.
Poor ---- would fain have accompanied me, out of tenderness; for my fainting, or rather convulsion, when I landed, and my sudden changes of countenance since, have alarmed her so much, that she is perpetually afraid of some accident.--But it would have injured the child this warm season, as she is cutting her teeth.
I hear not of your having written to me at Stromstad. Very well! Act as you please--there is nothing I fear or care for! When I see whether I can, or cannot obtain the money I am come here about, I will not trouble you with letters to which you do not reply.
LETTER LIX
_[Tonsberg] July 18 [1795]._
I am here in Tonsberg, separated from my child--and here I must remain a month at least, or I might as well never have come.
I have begun ---- which will, I hope, discharge all my obligations of a pecuniary kind.--I am lowered in my own eyes, on account of my not having done it sooner.
I shall make no further comments on your silence. G.o.d bless you!
MARY.