Part 21 (1/2)

”You know we can't go on this way. You know I wouldn't offend you for anything in the world,--that if I've been churlish it's simply because I care a great deal; because it has hurt me to find you getting mixed up with the wrong people. If you knew what your coming home meant to me, how much I've been counting on it! and then to find that you wouldn't meet me on our old friendly basis, and didn't want any suggestions from me.”

He had, almost unconsciously, been expecting her to interrupt him; but she did not do so, and left him to flounder along as best he could. When he paused helplessly, she said, still like a forbearing sister:

”I didn't know you could be so tragic, Warry. The first thing I know you'll be really quarreling with me, and I don't intend to have that.

Why don't you change your tactics and be a good little boy? You've been spoiled by too much indulgence of late. Now I don't intend to spoil you a bit. You were terribly rude,--I didn't think you capable of it, and all because I wouldn't offend my father and his friends and other very good people, by refusing to take part in the harmless exercises of that perfectly ridiculous but useful society, the Knights of Midas. That's all over now; and the sun comes up every morning just as it used to. You and I live in the same small town and it's too small to quarrel in.”

She paused and laughed, seeing how he was swaying between the impulse to accept her truce and the inclination to parley further. He had been persuading himself that he loved her, and he had found keen joy in the misery into which he had worked himself, thinking that there was something ideal and n.o.ble in his att.i.tude. He did not know Evelyn as well as he thought he did; when she came home he had imagined that all would go smoothly between them; he had meant to monopolize her, and to dictate to her when need be. He had a.s.sumed that they would meet on a plane that would be accessible to no other man in Clarkson; and his conceit was shaken to find that she was disposed to be generously hospitable toward all. It was this that enraged him particularly against Wheaton, who stood quite as well with her, he a.s.sured himself, as he did. Her beauty and sweetness seemed to mock him; if he did not love her now as he thought he did, he at least was deeply appreciative of the qualities which set her apart from other women.

There are men like Raridan, who are devoid of evil impulse, and who are swayed and touched by the charm of women through an excess in themselves of that nicer feeling which we call feminine, usually in depreciation, as if it were contemptible. But there is something appealing and fine about it; it is not altogether a weakness; doers of the world's worthiest tasks have been notable possessors of this quality. Raridan had a true sense of personal honor, and yet his imagination was strong enough to play tricks with his conscience. He had argued himself into a mood of desperate love; he felt that he was swayed by pa.s.sion; but it was of jealousy and not of love.

Evelyn walked a little way toward the door and he followed gloomily along. He called her name and she paused. They were not alone on the veranda, and she did not want a scene. Raridan began again:

”Why, ever since we were children together I've looked forward to this time. It always seemed the most natural thing in the world that I should love you. When you went away to college, I never had any fear that it would make any difference; when I saw you down there you were always kind,--”

”Of course I was kind,” she interrupted; ”and I don't mean to be anything else now.”

”You know what I mean,” he urged, though he did not know himself what he meant. ”I had no idea that your going away would make any difference; if I had dreamed of it, I should have spoken long ago. And when I went to see you those few times at college--”

”Yes, you came and I was awfully glad to see you, too; but how many women's colleges have you visited in these four years? There was that Brooklyn girl you were devoted to at Bryn Mawr; and that pretty little French Canadian you rushed at Wellesley,--but of course I don't pretend to know the whole catalogue of them. That was all perfectly proper, you understand; I'm not complaining--”

”No; I wish you were,” he said, bitterly. If he had known it, he was really enjoying this; there was, perhaps, at the bottom of his heart, a little vanity which these reminiscences appealed to. He rallied now:

”But you could afford to have me see other girls,” he said. ”You ought to know--you should have known all the time that you were the only one in all the world for me.”

”That's a trifle obvious, Warry;” and she laughed. ”You're not living up to your reputation for subtlety of approach.”

”Evelyn”--his voice trembled; he was sure now that he was very much in love; ”I tried to tell you before the carnival that the reason I didn't want you to appear in the ball was that I cared a great deal,--so very much,--that I love you!”

She stepped back, drawing the cape together at her throat.

”Please, Warry,” she said pleadingly, ”don't spoil everything by talking of such things. I wished that we might be the best of friends, but you insist on spoiling everything.”

”Oh, I know,” he broke in, ”that I spoil things, that I'm a failure--a ne'er-do-well.” It was not love that he was hungry for half so much as sympathy; they are often identical in such natures as his.

She bent toward him, as she always did when she talked earnestly, and as frankly as though she were speaking to a girl.

”Warry Raridan, it's exactly as I told you a moment ago. You've been spoiled, and it shows in a lot of ways. Why, you're positively childis.h.!.+” She laughed softly. He had thrust his hands into his pockets and was feeling foolish. He wanted to make another effort to maintain his position as a serious lover, but was not equal to it. She went on, with growing kindness in her tone: ”Now, I'll say to you frankly that I didn't at all like being mixed up in the Knights of Midas ball; if you had been as wise as I have always thought, you might have known it. You ought to have shown your interest in me by helping me; but you chose to take a very ungenerous and unkind att.i.tude about it; you helped to make it harder for me than it might have been. I relied on you as an old friend, but you deserted me at your first chance to show that you really had my interests at heart. If you had cared about me, you certainly wouldn't have acted so.”

”Why, Evelyn, I wouldn't hurt you for anything in the world; if I had understood--”

”But that's the trouble,” she interrupted, still very patiently. She saw that she had struck the right chord in appealing to his chivalry, and in conceding as much as she had by the reference to their old comrades.h.i.+p.

She had never liked him better than she did now; but she certainly did not love him.

She had directed the talk safely into tranquil channels, and he was growing happier, and, if he had known it, relieved besides. He wanted to be nearer to her than any one else, and he was touched by her declaration that she had needed him, and that he had failed her.

”But sometime--you will not forget--”

”Oh, sometime! we are not going to bother about that now. Just at present it's getting too cool for the open air and we must go inside.”

”But is it all right? You will pardon my offenses, won't you? And you won't let any one else--”