Part 16 (2/2)
Sheriff: ”I will tell the truth.” Witness: ”I will tell the truth.”
Sheriff: ”The whole truth.” Witness: ”I HOPE so!”
In Edinburgh Sheriff Small Debt Court the oath was administered to a witness who was dull of hearing. ”I swear by Almighty G.o.d,” said the sheriff. The witness put his hollowed hand to his ear and asked: ”Wha dae ye sweer by?” Many Court reporters have heard a witness swear to tell ”the truth, the whole truth, and anything but the truth”; and one old lady (mistaking certain words recited by the judge) affirmed her determination to tell the truth ”with a great deal of judgment.”
As we indicated at the beginning of this volume, stories of wit and humour from the ranks of agents in the legal profession are much rarer than in those of the Bench and the Bar. From the _Court of Session Garland_ we quote the following relating to a worthy pract.i.tioner in the days when Councillor Pleydell played ”high jinks” in his favourite tavern.
In old times some stray agents in Scotland might be found who were not particularly distinguished for professional attainments, and who sometimes could not ”draw” a paper as it is termed. One of these worthies was impressed with the idea that his powers were equal to the preparation of a pet.i.tion for the appointment of a factor. His clerk was summoned, pens, ink, and paper placed before him, and the process of dictation commenced: ”Unto the Right Honourable.” ”Right Honourable,”
echoed the clerk. ”The Lords of Council and Session.”--”Session,”
continued the scribe--”the Pet.i.tion of Alexander Macdonald, tenant in Skye--Skye--humbly sheweth--sheweth.” ”Stop, John, read what I've said.”--”Yes, sir. 'Unto the Right Honourable the Lords of Council and Session the Pet.i.tion of Alexander Macdonald, tenant in Skye, humbly sheweth.'”--”Very well, John, very well. Where did you stop?”--”Humbly sheweth--that the pet.i.tioner--pet.i.tioner”--here a pause for a minute--”that the pet.i.tioner. It's down, sir.” Here the master got up, walked about the room, scratched his head, took snuff, but in vain; the inspiration had fled with the mysterious word ”pet.i.tioner.” The clerk looked up somewhat amazed that his master had got that length, and at last ventured to suggest that the difficulty might be got over. ”How, John?” exclaimed his master. ”As you have done the most important part, what would you say, sir, to send the paper to be finished by Mr. M---- with a guinea?”--”The very thing, John, tak' the paper to Mr. M----, and as we've done the maist fickle pairt of the work he's deevilish weel aff wi' a guinea.”
We are indebted to the author of that capital collection of Scottish anecdote, _Thistledown_, for the following story, as ill.u.s.trating one of the many humorous attempts to get the better of the law, and one in which the lawyer was ”hoist with his own petard.” A dealer having hired a horse to a lawyer, the latter, either through bad usage or by accident, killed the beast, upon which the hirer insisted upon payment of its value; and if it was not convenient to pay costs, he expressed his willingness to accept a bill. The lawyer offered no objection, but said he must have a long date. The hirer desired him to fix his own time, whereupon the writer drew a promissory note, making it payable at the day of judgment. An action ensued, when in defence, the lawyer asked the judge to look at the bill. Having done so, the judge replied: ”The bill is perfectly good, sir; and as this is the day of judgment, I decree that you pay to-morrow.”
Joseph Gillon was a well-known Writer to the Signet early in the nineteenth century. Calling on him at his office one day, Sir Walter Scott said, ”Why, Joseph, this place is as hot as an oven.”--”Well,”
quoth Gillon, ”and isn't it here that I make my bread?”
A celebrated Scottish preacher and pastor was visiting the house of a solicitor who was one of his flock, but had a reputation of indulging in sharp practice. The minister was surprised to meet there two other members of his flock whose relations with the solicitor were not at the time known to be friendly or otherwise. In course of conversation the solicitor, alluding to some disputed point, appealed to the minister: ”Doctor, these are members of your flock; may I ask whether you look on them as black or as white sheep?”--”I don't know,” answered the minister, ”whether they are black or white sheep; but this I know, that if they are long here they are pretty sure to be _fleeced_.”
_Apropos_ of this story is the one of a Scottish countrywoman who applied to a respectable solicitor for advice. After detailing all the circ.u.mstances of the case, she was asked if she had stated the facts exactly as they had occurred. ”Ou ay, sir,” rejoined the applicant; ”I thought it best to tell you the plain truth; you can put the lees till't yoursel'.”
THE LAWYER'S TOAST
At a dinner of a Scots Law Society, the president called upon an old solicitor present to give as a toast the person whom he considered the best friend of the profession. ”Then,” said the gentleman very slyly, ”I'll give you 'The Man who makes his own will.'”
CHAPTER SEVEN
THE AMERICAN BENCH & BAR
”Going tew law is like skinning a new milch cow for the hide and giving the meat tew the lawyers.”
JOSH BILLINGS.
”Oh, sir, you understand a conscience, but not law.”
Ma.s.sINGER: _The Old Law_.
CHAPTER SEVEN
THE AMERICAN BENCH & BAR
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