Part 11 (1/2)

As, for example: ”Gentlemen of the jury, I smell a rat--but I'll nip it in the bud.” And, ”My client acted boldly. He saw the storm brewing in the distance, but he was not dismayed! He took the bull by the horns and he _indicted him for perjury_.”

Peter Burrowes, a well-known member of the Irish Bar, was on one occasion counsel for the prosecution at an important trial for murder.

Burrowes had a severe cold, and opened his speech with a box of lozenges in one hand and in the other the small pistol bullet by which the man had met his death. Between the pauses of his address he kept supplying himself with a lozenge. But at last, in the very middle of a 'high-falutin' period, he stopped. His legal chest heaved, his eyes seemed starting from his head, and in a voice tremulous with fright he exclaimed: ”Oh! h-h!!! Gentlemen, gentlemen; I've swallowed the bul-let!”

An Irish counsel who was once asked by the judge for whom he was ”concerned,” replied: ”My lord, I am retained by the defendant, and therefore I am concerned for the plaintiff.”

A junior at the Bar in course of his speech began to use a simile of ”the eagle soaring high above the mists of the earth, winning its daring flight against a midday sun till the contemplation becomes too dazzling for humanity, and mortal eyes gaze after it in vain.” Here the orator was noticed to falter and lose the thread of his speech, and sat down after some vain attempts to regain it; the judge remarking: ”The next time, sir, you bring an eagle into Court, I should recommend you to clip its wings.”

Mr. Tim Healy's power of effective and stinging repartee is probably unexcelled. He is seldom at a loss for a retort, and there are not a few politicians and others who regret having been foolish enough to rouse his resentment. There is on record, however, an amusing interlude in the pa.s.sing of which Tim was discomfited--crushed, and found himself unable to ”rise to the occasion.”

During the hearing of a case at the Recorder's Court in Dublin the Testament on which the witnesses were being sworn disappeared. After a lengthy hunt for it, counsel for the defendant noticed that Mr. Healy had taken possession of the book, and was deeply absorbed in its contents, and quite unconscious of the dismay its disappearance was causing.

”I think, sir,” said the counsel, addressing the Recorder, ”that Mr.

Healy has the Testament.” Hearing his name mentioned, Mr. Healy looked up, realised what had occurred, and, with apologies, handed it over.

”You see, sir,” added the counsel, ”Mr. Healy was so interested that he did not know of our loss. He took it for a new publication.” For once Mr. Healy's nimble wit failed him, and forced him to submit to the humiliation of being scored off.

In the North of Ireland the peasantry p.r.o.nounce the word witness ”wetness.” At Derry a.s.sizes a man said he had brought his ”wetness” with him to corroborate his evidence. ”Bless me,” said the judge, ”about what age are you?”--”Forty-two my last birthday, my lord,” replied the witness. ”Do you mean to tell the jury,” said the judge, ”that at your age you still have a wet nurse?”--”Of course I have, my lord.” Counsel hereupon interposed and explained.

The witness who gave the following valuable testimony, however, was probably keeping strictly to fact. ”I sees Phelim on the top of the wall. 'Paddy,' he says. 'What,' says I. 'Here,' says he. 'Where?' says I. 'Hush,' says he. 'Whist,' says I. And that's all.”

The wit of the Irish Bar seems to infect even the officers of the Courts and the people who enter the witness-box. It is impossible, for example, not to admire the fine irony of the usher who, when he was told to clear the Court, called out: ”All ye blaggards that are not lawyers lave the building.”

Irish judges have much greater difficulties to contend against, because the people with whom they have to deal have a fund of ready retort.

”Sir,” said an exasperated Irish judge to a witness who refused to answer the questions put to him--”sir, this is a contempt of Court.”--”I know it, my lord, but I was endeavouring to concale it,” was the irresistible reply.

A certain Irish attorney threatening to prosecute a printer for inserting in his paper the death of a person still living, informed him that ”No person should publish a death unless informed of the fact by the party deceased.”

A rather amusing story is told of a trial where one of the Irish jurymen had been ”got at” and bribed to secure the jury agreeing to a verdict of ”Manslaughter,” however much they might want to return one upon the capital charge of ”Murder.” The jury were out for several hours, and it was believed that eventually the result would be that they would not agree upon a verdict at all. However, close upon midnight, they were starved into one, and it was that of ”Manslaughter.” Next day the particular juryman concerned received his promised reward, and in paying it, the man who had arranged it for him remarked: ”I suppose you had a great deal of difficulty in getting the other jurymen to agree to a verdict of 'Manslaughter'?”--”I should just think I did,” replied the man. ”I had to knock it into them, for all the others--the whole eleven of them--wanted to acquit him.”

An Irish lawyer addressed the Court as _Gentlemen_ instead of _Your Honours_. When he had concluded, a brother lawyer pointed out his error.

He immediately rose and apologised thus: ”In the heat of the debate I called your honours gentlemen,--I made a mistake, your honours.”

CHAPTER FIVE

THE JUDGES OF SCOTLAND

”Ye Barristers of England Your triumphs idle are, Till ye can match the names that ring Round Caledonia's Bar.

Your _John Doe_ and your Richard Roe Are but a paltry pair: Look at those who compose The flocks round Brodie's Stair, Who ruminate on Shaw and Tait And flock round Brodie's Stair.

”But, Barristers of England, Come to us lovingly, And any Scot who greets you not We'll send to Coventry.

Put past your brief, embark for Leith, And when you've landed there, Any wight with delight Will point out Brodie's Stair Or lead you all through Fountainhall Till you enter Brodie's Stair.”

OUTRAM: _Legal and other Lyrics_.