Part 7 (1/2)

MISTRESS: 1. A female who has rights, as distinguished from a married woman, who has duties. 2. One whose respect and love some married men may hold without the non-transferable license in the bottom of a trunk.

MARTYRDOM: The sweet apotheosis of the things we do not care to avoid.

MINUTE: 1. The crutch on which the Hour leans as it limps into Eternity.

2. A s.p.a.ce of time in which we dream of something that will never come true, or form a resolution that another minute effaces.

MODESTY: 1. A beau-catcher that young ladies wear and women affect. 2.

In a sweetmeat, the souffle through which we dig to reach the plums. 3.

The blush on the face of Desire at the consciousness of its own immodesty. 4. Among men modesty is the will-to-wait and seize. 5. Venom, who sidles into corners and shuns the limelight, so that he may the better see. 6. The att.i.tude of mind that precedes the pounce. 7. The subtlest symptom of paranoia. 8. Egotism turned wrong side out.

MUMMY: 1. An un.o.bjectionable party whose motives are not questioned. 2.

One who is not in business for his health. 3. Any one who does not advertise.

MORALITY: 1. The formaldehyde of theology. 2. The line of conduct that pays.

MORALIST: 1. A beautified eunuch. 2. One self-elected to make the stupid more stupid. 3. Any one skilled in the science of p.o.r.nography. 4. A retired roue. 5. One of the Sacred Legion of Coprolitis.

MORGUE: The pantheon of the unremembered; Death's shop-window.

MUNSEY: 1. Any publisher who does much business on small mental capital.

2. _Verb_: To munsey--to print much and say nothing. 3. A literary laxative. 4. To put up money for a monkey monarchy.

MURDERER: 1. A savior of society. Synonyms: Soldier, hangman, doctor. 2.

A man born ahead of or after his time.

MUSIC: 1. Anything that has charms to soothe a savage beast. 2.

Unnecessary noises heard in restaurants and cheap hotels. 3. The only one of the arts that can not be prost.i.tuted to a base use. 4. An attempt to express the emotions that are beyond speech. 5. A noise less objectionable than any other noise.

MYSTIC: 1. One who guzzles his G.o.d. 2. A person who is puzzled before the obvious, but who understands the non-existent. 3. To stand over the vasty deep to summon monsters and slip in. 4. Sap that has lost its way.

5. A gymnast who turns flip-flops between the Here and the Not-Here.

(Plato was the first mystic. It was he who announced the discovery of the Non-Existent. Hegel was the last mystic, for it was he who proved the Non-Existent was and was not, might have been and never could be, has was, is now, and never shall be.)

NATURE: 1. The Unseen Intelligence which loved us into being, and is disposing of us by the same token. 2. That which every one but a theologian understands, but which no one can define. 3. The Louvre of the Esthetic Eye; the abattoir of the Religious Eye; the charivari of the Ironic Eye. 4. The eternal Kis.h.i.+neff of an implacable G.o.d.

NANCY: A person of neither s.e.x, who yet combines the bad qualities of both.

n.i.g.g.e.r: A colored person who has no money.

NEW THOUGHT: Plain, simple commonsense.

NEWSPAPER OFFICE: A figment factory.

NIETZSCHE (FRIEDRICH): A thunder smith.

NEBULOUS TYPOTHETae: A b.u.m printer who can never be found when wanted.