Part 5 (2/2)
IMITATOR: A man who succeeds in being an imitation.
IMMORTALITY: 1. A reward given to infidels and atheists by a somewhat humorous G.o.d, for not groveling before Him and annoying Him with importunities. 2. A system of punishment for suicides, which makes suicide impossible, thereby putting one over on the ingrate who was tired of the gift of life, by compelling him to live forever, w.i.l.l.y-nilly. 3. A valueless thing, because unlimited in quant.i.ty, which those hotly intent upon achieving will forfeit through the law which provides that that for which we clutch we lose. 4. A condition sought by political officeholders where the inc.u.mbent never either dies or resigns. 5. A state of being encouraged by annuitants, and those who live in the Garden of Allah-Money. 6. A flimflam offer by a theologian of inchoate t.i.tle to improved real estate in the Sky for real estate, rentals and cash on Earth. 7. A doctrine that the rich teach the poor for good and sufficient reasons. 8. Divine Compensation for the starving. 9. A superfluous addition to life; to go on living after one desires and hopes to remain dead.
INDEPENDENCE: An achievement, not a bequest.
IMPERIALISM: Tyranny, hiding behind the sacred name of Humanity.
INFIDEL: One who defames his Creator and impeaches his own reason by believing in Orthodox Christianity.
INFIDELITY: To remain faithful to one's self, and to be unfaithful to some one else's faith. In religion, to think; in the marriage inst.i.tution, to fall in love; in business, to do the thing to the other fellow that the other fellow intends to do to you, and do it first.
ISSUE: In physiology, something that comes up and out; in politics, something that goes down and in.
INGRAt.i.tUDE: 1. A girl who is too busy to acknowledge receipt of a Christmas present. 2. The portion of the man who has done well; and a fight with the fox you have warmed into life is imminent.
INFUSORIA: The entire human race with the exception of Homer, Richard Wagner, Dante, Victor Hugo, Balzac, Rodin, Raphael, aeschylus, Shakespeare, Schopenhauer and Edward Bok, in whose tremendous skulls we live and move and have our being, like a whirlwind of germs in the vats of the Absolute.
INGRATE: Any person who has got something for nothing, and wants more on the same terms.
INITIATIVE: Doing the right thing without being told.
IRONY: The cactus-plant that sprouts over the tomb of our dead illusions.
JUDICIOUS: 1. A state of mind wherein things are weighed in an imponderable scale; a conjunction of two negatives in a void. 2. To be wanting in foolishness, character or brains. 3. An exquisite and delicate perception of the difference between two things that are exactly alike, or the total unlikeness between two things that are absolutely different. 4. An umbrella to be carried on clear days as well as on rainy ones, thus protecting the possessor from everything. 5. To lie flat on your puss while the juggernaut of Opinion goes over you; to stand perfectly still between two streetcars going in opposite directions. 6. To see what's coming and avoid it by taking all sides.
JOURNALIST: A newspaperman out of a job.
JURY: 1. The stupidity of one brain multiplied by twelve. 2. A collection of sedentary owls. 3. The humble apology of Civilization to Savagery. _E. g._, ”Whatever exists may be touched, but a jury is an exception to this universal law--it must be reached.”
JUSTICE: A system of revenge where the State imitates the criminal.
JOHN DOUGH PROCEEDINGS: A hunt for graftheimers.
JUDGE: 1. A man with ankylosis of the ego, who is jealous of the stenographer for sufficient reasons. 2. One who learns law from lawyers and is excluded from the game, getting his in honors.
KING: 1. In the presence of genius, a pleb. 2. A vestige. 3. One whose chief diversion lately has been to watch himself grow beautifully less.
4. A First Cause run to seed. 5. Divine Right tempered by bombs.
KINDERGARTEN: The greatest scheme ever devised--for the education of parents.
KNOCKING: A slow but sure way of putting the skids under your prospects.
Push in the door softly, and all things are yours--knock and nothing shall be opened unto you.
KNOWLEDGE: The distilled essence of our intuitions, corroborated by experience. Knowledge is what I know; wisdom is what I see; theology is what I guess.
LATER: The Utopia of Postponement; a marvelous door of gold at the end of every perspective, to which Procrastination holds the keys. The Concierge of tomorrow. (Some things are done sooner, others are done now, but most things are done later; hence, manana, dreams and regrets.)
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