Part 3 (1/2)
d.u.c.h.eSS: The feminine of Dutchman.
DYNAMO: Any man who has everything he eats, drinks, smokes and wears, charged.
EARTH: 1. A small bean-shaped planet, full of noise, nonsense and noddies, created in order to swell the pockets of politicians. 2. A blister produced by the constant abrasion of motion against s.p.a.ce.
EAT: 1. To prolong pain; to satisfy the antic.i.p.atory pleasure of hunger; to deliberately plan the contamination of the drinking-water of a people. 2. The demagogic demands of the belly. 3. A sinful or extravagant act among the dest.i.tute. 4. A sacred rite among the rich. 5.
An artificial aid to conversation and the repet.i.tion of threadbare stories, generally off-color.
EDUCATION: A form of self-delusion by those who m.u.f.f every good wheeze.
ECONOMICS: The science of the production, distribution and use of wealth, best understood by college professors on half-rations.
EDITOR: 1. A person employed on a newspaper, whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed.
2. A delicate instrument for observing the development and flowering of the deadly mediocre and encouraging its growth. 3. A seraphic embryon; a smooth bore; a bit of sandpaper applied to all forms of originality by the publisher-proprietor; an emictory.
ENEMY: 1. A counter-irritant of which you must get a few, or it's you for fatty degeneration of the cerebrum. 2. The friend who stings you into action. 3. Any one who tells the truth about you.
EMPHASIS: To italicize a lie; to lay great stress on certain sounds that emanate from a larynx and that are intended to hypnotize a tympanum; to be impressive to the point of almost believing ourselves; the double chin of a declarative sentence; oratorical moth-b.a.l.l.s.
ENNUI: 1. The fourth dimension of action. 2. The looking-gla.s.s of the Infinite. 3. A state of time wherein seconds become days and hours become years. 4. A shop that contains nothing but a silent salesman, Death.
EPIGRAM: 1. A vividly expressed truth that is so, or not, as the case may be. 2. A dash of wit and a jigger of wisdom, flavored with surprise.
ENTHUSIASM: The great hill-climber.
EQUITABLE: An ironical term meaning you can fool some of the people all the time.
EQUITY: Simply a matter of the length of the judge's ears.
EUCHARIST: Salvation by the pound, or by the pint. (If one should eat, say, a pound of eucharistic chips and drink two quarts of the holy water a day, one would be cleansed of all sin and be much richer in bacteria.)
ETERNITY: 1. The Sunday of Time. 2. The sublimest thought of the brain of Ignorance. 3. A symphony written by a Beethoven of the ineffable _x_ dimension. 4. The North Pole of the hours. 5. Monstrance of the Holy O.
6. A corrosive acid that obliterates Before and Afterward.
EMANc.i.p.aTED MAN: One who has dared to think for himself, and thus has added to his list of enemies.
EVOLUTION: 1. A word that has recla.s.sified in an entertaining manner our impermeable and eternal ignorance. 2. The growth of a thing from the simple to the complex, and the wasting away of the complex until it is simpler than ever. 3. The one superst.i.tion that is cordially hated by theologues.
EVERYBODY: 1. The square root of zero. 2. The leavings of individuality.
3. An agglomeration of bipeds who subsist on one another's shanks. 4.
The Seventh Heaven of stupidity. 5. The cosmos of the pinhead. 6. n.o.body in toto. 7. The collective and organized wisdom of the lowest forms of animal intelligence.
EXPECTANCY: An exciting interval between rounds.
EXPECTATION: 1. An optimistic feeling about an event that will never occur. 2. The secret of the persecution of the Jews, Christians and Mohammedans by one another. 3. The G.o.ddess of Love. Synonyms: Tomorrow, next week, next year, next century, pretty soon--any imaginary s.p.a.ce of time after the present moment.