Part 37 (2/2)
Charles dropped his head on the window-sill, upon his hands. ”No,” he said; ”I trust that she, and all of us, will be supported.”
”So do I, fervently,” answered Campbell; ”it will be a most terrible blow to your sisters. My dear fellow, should you not take all this into account? Do seriously consider the actual misery you are causing for possible good.”
”Do you think I have not considered it, Campbell? Is it nothing for one like me to be breaking all these dear ties, and to be losing the esteem and sympathy of so many persons I love? Oh, it has been a most piercing thought; but I have exhausted it, I have drunk it out. I have got familiar with the prospect now, and am fully reconciled. Yes, I give up home, I give up all who have ever known me, loved me, valued me, wished me well; I know well I am making myself a by-word and an outcast.”
”Oh, my dear Charles,” answered Campbell, ”beware of a very subtle temptation which may come on you here. I have meant to warn you of it before. The greatness of the sacrifice stimulates you; you do it because it is so much to do.”
Charles smiled. ”How little you know me!” he said; ”if that were the case, should I have waited patiently two years and more? Why did I not rush forward as others have done? _You_ will not deny that I have acted rationally, obediently. I have put the subject from me again and again, and it has returned.”
”I'll say nothing harsh or unkind of you, Charles,” said Campbell; ”but it's a most unfortunate delusion. I wish I could make you take in the idea that there is the chance of its _being_ a delusion.”
”Ah, Campbell, how can you forget so?” answered Charles; ”don't you know this is the very thing which has influenced me so much all along? I said, 'Perhaps I am in a dream. Oh, that I could pinch myself and awake!' You know what stress I laid on my change of feeling upon my dear father's death; what I thought to be convictions before, vanished then like a cloud. I have said to myself, 'Perhaps these will vanish too.'
But no; 'the clouds return after the rain;' they come again and again, heavier than ever. It is a conviction rooted in me; it endures against the prospect of loss of mother and sisters. Here I sit wasting my days, when I might be useful in life. Why? Because this hinders me. Lately it has increased on me tenfold. You will be shocked, but let me tell you in confidence,--lately I have been quite afraid to ride, or to bathe, or to do anything out of the way, lest something should happen, and I might be taken away with a great duty unaccomplished. No, by this time I have proved that it is a real conviction. My belief in the Church of Rome is part of myself; I cannot act against it without acting against G.o.d.”
”It is a most deplorable state of things certainly,” said Campbell, who had begun to walk up and down the room; ”that it is a delusion, I am confident; perhaps you are to find it so, just when you have taken the step. You will solemnly bind yourself to a foreign creed, and, as the words part from your mouth, the mist will roll up from before your eyes, and the truth will show itself. How dreadful!”
”I have thought of that too,” said Charles, ”and it has influenced me a great deal. It has made me shrink back. But I now believe it to be like those hideous forms which in fairy tales beset good knights, when they would force their way into some enchanted palace. Recollect the words in Thalaba, 'The talisman is _faith_.' If I have good grounds for believing, to believe is a duty; G.o.d will take care of His own work. I shall not be deserted in my utmost need. Faith ever begins with a venture, and is rewarded with sight.”
”Yes, my good Charles,” answered Campbell; ”but the question is, whether your grounds _are_ good. What I mean is, that, _since_ they are _not_ good, they will not avail you in the trial. You will then, too late, find they are not good, but delusive.”
”Campbell,” answered Charles, ”I consider that all reason comes from G.o.d; our grounds must at best be imperfect; but if they appear to be sufficient after prayer, diligent search, obedience, waiting, and, in short, doing our part, they are His voice calling us on. He it is, in that case, who makes them seem convincing to us. I am in His hands. The only question is, what would He have me to do? I cannot resist the conviction which is upon me. This last week it has possessed me in a different way than ever before. It is now so strong, that to wait longer is to resist G.o.d. Whether I join the Catholic Church is now simply a question of days. I wish, dear Campbell, to leave you in peace and love.
Therefore, consent; let me go.”
”Let you go!” answered Campbell; ”certainly, were it the Catholic Church to which you are going, there would be no need to ask; but 'let you go,'
how can you expect it from us when we do not think so? Think of our case, Charles, as well as your own; throw yourself into our state of feeling. For myself, I cannot deny, I never have concealed from you my convictions, that the Romish Church is antichristian. She has ten thousand gifts, she is in many respects superior to our own; but she has a something in her which spoils all. I have no _confidence_ in her; and, that being the case, how can I 'let you go' to her? No: it's like a person saying, 'Let me go and hang myself;' 'let me go sleep in a fever-ward;' 'let me jump into that well;'--how can I 'let you go'?”
”Ah,” said Charles, ”that's our dreadful difference; we can't get farther than that. _I_ think the Church of Rome the Prophet of G.o.d; _you_, the tool of the devil.”
”I own,” said Campbell, ”I do think that, if you take this step, you will find yourself in the hands of a Circe, who will change you, make a brute of you.”
Charles slightly coloured.
”I won't go on,” added Campbell; ”I pain you; it's no good; perhaps I am making matters worse.”
Neither spoke for some time. At length Charles got up, came up to Campbell, took his hand, and kissed it. ”You have been a kind, disinterested friend to me for two years,” he said; ”you have given me a lodging under your roof; and now we are soon to be united by closer ties. G.o.d reward you; but 'let me go, for the day breaketh.'”
”It is hopeless!” cried Campbell; ”let us part friends: I must break it to your mother.”
In ten days after this conversation Charles was ready for his journey; his room put to rights; his portmanteau strapped; and a gig at the door, which was to take him the first stage. He was to go round by Boughton; it had been arranged by Campbell and Mary that it would be best for him not to see his mother (to whom Campbell had broken the matter at once) till he took leave of her. It would be needless pain to both of them to attempt an interview sooner.
Charles leapt from the gig with a beating heart, and ran up to his mother's room. She was sitting by the fire at her work when he entered; she held out her hand coldly to him, and he sat down. Nothing was said for a little while; then, without leaving off her occupation, she said, ”Well, Charles, and so you are leaving us. Where and how do you propose to employ yourself when you have entered upon your new life?”
Charles answered that he had not yet turned his mind to the consideration of anything but the great step on which everything else depended.
There was another silence; then she said, ”You won't find anywhere such friends as you have had at home, Charles.” Presently she continued, ”You have had everything in your favour, Charles; you have been blessed with talents, advantages of education, easy circ.u.mstances; many a deserving young man has to scramble on as he can.”
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