Part 27 (1/2)

She was a little more cheerful after her mother hung up, but it quickly faded. Her doc.u.ments were all stale, and words swam on the screen. It was too early to sleep.

When a clap of thunder erupted overhead, she nearly jumped out of her skin. There was an abrupt roar. It took her several seconds to realize the noise was rain pouring out of the sky.

She looked out the front windows and saw the street was quickly awash with water. Flashes of lightning had her running to turn off her laptop, and the thunder at times was so loud she thought it would break the windows.

The storm was furious and violent. It suited her mood.

d.a.m.n Marian for being a mess. And d.a.m.n her rotten ex for being cruel. And d.a.m.n whoever it was that Marian loved for not loving her back. And d.a.m.n the rules that said no was the only answer if they didn't plan on making the Big Commitment.

Why couldn't they have yes? A simple yes, for a night full of thunder and rain?

It wasn't fair. Liddy was not used to doing without, and her body ached to have. After feeling dead for months because of Robyn f.u.c.king Vaughn, her body had woken up, and she wanted a woman with sensuous eyes, magic fingertips and fantastic kisses to take her to bed.

There was nothing wrong with that, she told herself. So how come we can only find our way to no?

Sunday afternoon, June 8: Home sick. It's a migraine. Taking the magic pill and planning to crash.

I hope I don't miss the storm though. I'm all cried out and I need rain for tears.

I want Liddy. I look back through my journals and see day after day all I could say was that I wanted HER. A day pa.s.ses and I want Liddy.

I'm not fickle. I don't give up on people or dreams once I commit to them. How can I in one night say no to HER and yes to Liddy?

166.

I can't. I would feel like I was cheating on HER, wouldn't I? But HER never wanted me. But I want Liddy. What a tired refrain. All I can do these days is want.

It was thunder that roused Marian after a few hours. The migraine pill had done its job. Her head was tender, but not incapac-itating. A long, steamy shower felt heavenly.

”Oh, go away, Hill,” she scolded. ”Get your water someplace else and leave my toes alone.”

It was dark out, though still two hours at least until sunset. The thunder drifted east, still rolling across the heavens but not threatening her eardrums.

She stood in the guest room doorway. The blinds were still down.

On a night like tonight Hemma and Amy would be sharing a warm dinner and some quiet music. Reading or just talking. Watching them wouldn't make it her life, too.

She still didn't know why her feelings had changed about Hemma, or if it was just a temporary funk. Would she wake up tomorrow back in love again? Or was she fickle enough to fall out of love in a day?

The fantasy of their life including her, however, was well and truly gone. It had always been a fantasy, too. Though she was a dear friend, their intimacy had never included her. She'd been a bystander, and in love with the view.

She didn't want to sit home alone, wis.h.i.+ng for company. She should call Ellie, but d.a.m.n. Ellie had Sandy. At least for now.

She could play a computer game or watch TV. There was plenty to watch on Sunday nights. But concentration was difficult when her body felt so heavy and parts of her that hadn't been touched by another's hands for years were swollen.

She wanted Liddy and her body wasn't going to let her forget it.

Exercise might help, but it was pouring rain.

167.

What was a little water, she thought. A walk in the rain. The cool water and falling temperatures would soothe her head even more.

She would be able to think.

She chose hiking boots as a concession to the puddles, but stayed with shorts. An old, soft T-s.h.i.+rt was perfect against her skin, and the waterproof windbreaker would keep part of her dry.

Hill bounded back in from the rain when she called, then shook himself dry in the kitchen. He snuffled anxiously at her jacket.

”I know it's raining, boy. It's okay, I know. Time for your dinner.”

On cue, Trombone twined around Marian's ankles, protesting the empty condition of her bowl. Marian was emptying the coffeepot of cold remains when she spotted the card Liddy had given her.

Raspberry-filled bittersweet chocolate. Oh, Marian thought, what a good guess. She nibbled a square and opened the card. Why can't we be friends? Why, indeed, she thought. Why not?

The rain had softened to a summer shower by the time she walked out into it. Puddles were deep and the air smelled faintly of ozone and wet earth. She felt good after the first block and continued on, enjoying the solitude of the streets and the sound of running water.

Another block felt fine, and then another. s.e.x never solved anything. It just made life harder. Why had Robyn done that to her?

Left her helpless, then ruined so much? Why was anyone cruel?

What had Robyn hoped to fix in herself by treating someone else so badly?

Marian no longer believed in karma. It sounded good, but if it were really true, then bad things wouldn't happen to good people.

She hadn't deserved Robyn. Her brother hadn't deserved to be murdered. Her parents hadn't deserved the drunk driver.

Her feet were wet and the windbreaker hood had blown back.

The rain was cooling but comforting, and she kept walking while her thoughts spun in circles.

Why had she loved Hemma? Because Hemma saw her, knew her, cared about who Marian really was. Hemma was s.e.xy and sensuous, 168 too, and knew how to laugh. Laughter was the best part of life, she decided. Even better than s.e.x.

Liddy knew how to laugh. Not that she'd done much of it around Marian after the first few conversations. All she'd done for Liddy was take away the laughter. She couldn't use Liddy to forget Hemma.

She couldn't go to Liddy with Hemma still in her head, or her heart.

If she did it would only be s.e.x, and there was no future in that.

She wanted some kind of future with Liddy. Any kind, except being what Liddy would regret as a ”long story, but it's not going to happen again.”

Rain dripped in her ears and she scrubbed her eyes with the cool water to ease the stinging of salt. At least the migraine was gone. Her legs were beginning to tire, but movement felt good. The rain was purifying.

When she stopped, finally, she knew this had been her destina-tion all along. There was a light on and she made her way up the steps.

She rang the bell and stood dripping on the porch, certain she was going to have a very long walk home.