Part 25 (1/2)
”I mean it to be.”
153.
If Inner Prude had anything to say, it was drowned out by Inner s.l.u.t. She's s.e.xy and hot, Inner s.l.u.t was shouting. She wants you and you know you want her.
”Marian, I've been honest with you, haven't I? I left Berkeley because somebody broke my heart and d.a.m.ned near ruined my life.
I'm breaking all the promises I made to myself before I left home. I didn't come here for an affair, but I have never wanted anybody the way I want you right now.”
Was that true? Could it possibly be true, Marian wondered.
Robyn had said much the same thing. That the flare of desire was meant to be. Giving in wasn't a mistake. They would make love and get to know each other. What about Hemma, Inner Prude demanded. You've loved her for years.
But I can't have her, Marian thought savagely. And she's leaving me. This morning we decided I can't buy their house. It's over.
Hemma's leaving. Marian's eyes filled with unbidden tears. ”I'm okay,” she murmured, dabbing. ”Just-a lot of emotion.”
”What kinds?” Liddy looked poised to get up, but Marian couldn't tell if it was to run for the nearest exit or leap across the table and start tearing off clothes. Her entire body clenched at the thought of Liddy naked, and in her arms.
”Fear. A lot of fear.”
”She really hurt you.”
Marian nodded. ”Yeah.”
”How long ago did she leave?”
”Two years.”
”Oh.” Liddy was clearly speculating what kind of hurt it had been not to be healed two years later.
Ellie knew. Mary Jane knew. Of course Hemma and Amy knew, but Marian never told anyone else. Silence gives it power, she reminded herself. ”We had a fight, in bed, about me not being what she wanted. Her usual s.h.i.+t. I was too mannish, not her type. We argued and she left. I was . . .” Her face flamed. ”I was tied to the headboard and she left. She tied good knots.”
154.
She didn't want to tell Liddy about the hours she'd been there, struggling, her hands slowly going numb, listening to Robyn rum-maging upstairs and then several places downstairs, but not knowing what Robyn was doing. Yelling for Robyn, but afraid if she did too much, her neighbors would hear. The slamming door had been a relief-at least she knew where Robyn wasn't, and she'd been afraid Robyn would come back to bed, and want to finish what they had started. She'd been helpless, for all those hours, and so afraid.
”I finally got the phone. It was just out of reach. I dislocated my shoulder, but I finally got it. Speed dial is a wonderful thing.”
Liddy's expression washed over with sympathy. ”That's-that's really terrible. It does give a person perspective. I thought I'd been ill-treated.”
The rush of anger left Marian's head throbbing. ”Glad to make you feel better.”
”Oh, I'm so sorry.” Liddy reached across the table to take Marian's hand. ”That was thoughtless of me, really. I didn't mean it that way. I just-I understand. I really do. What a rotten, terrible thing to do. My tale of woe is nothing so bad, and I don't blame you for being scared. She so completely violated your trust.”
Marian realized her pounding head was likely to turn into a migraine. The pending storm front was to blame, as well as all the stress. ”I'm sorry, it's that a.s.shole today at work, you know. Violence.
It woke it all up. She never hit me, but she could have.”
”You could talk to somebody about it.”
”I'll put you on the long list of people who told me I should see a therapist.”
”Maybe you should.”
Marian shook her head. ”I've done that. I know the drill. I know what it'll take and I'm not ready.” Liddy didn't say anything, so Marian rushed on, ”My parents were killed by a drunk driver, and three months later my brother was shot and killed in a robbery at the bank where he worked. I've done therapy. And then I got out of Chicago.”
155.
The color drained out of Liddy's face. ”I'm sorry,” she said weakly.
”So I want to go to bed with you, but I don't trust me right now.
I am a mess right now.”
Liddy spread her hands helplessly. ”How can you still love that woman?”
”I don't. I'm . . . s.h.i.+t.” Marian dipped her fingers into her gla.s.s and rubbed her eyelids with the cool water. ”My head is going to split open.”
”You mean-it's someone else. Not the s.h.i.+tty ex.”
Marian nodded, and she felt a rush of pure fear that her long-held secret was so close to the surface. ”I'm going to have to get over it, because my life is on hold and has been for too long. I got a big message that I need to change it. And I'm missing out . . .” She gazed across the table at Liddy. ”I'm an idiot to say no to you.”
”Is that what you're doing?”
Marian thought for a minute before she answered. ”I can't say yes.”
Liddy's mouth twisted downward. ”I'm just a victim of bad timing, is that it?”
”I didn't mean that.”
Liddy dug in her pocket and came up with her wallet. She put some bills on the table and then said quietly, ”Thank you for a least being honest with me.”
Marian watched her walk toward the door, then lost sight of her as she disappeared into the afternoon glare.
156.
11.
What do I do now? Liddy's head was spinning.
Iowa f.u.c.king City was supposed to be quiet. Peaceful. Pastoral.
Bovine. Porcine, even. Anything but wall-to-wall d.y.k.es and fisticuffs in the public library and master black belts and least of all, least of all, anything but home to a woman who made her feel like she was fifteen and fifty at the same time. There wasn't supposed to be a Marian the Librarian in this town who brought out such feelings of need and longing accompanied by incredible frustration.
There were other feelings, too, ones she couldn't name, but they clamored to be eased by things as simple as shared coffee in the morning and reading aloud before bed.