Part 5 (1/2)

”You're not?” Dan said. ”Really?”

”Really,” said Laura drily.

Dan licked his upper lip, which was dewy with sweat, and said hoa.r.s.ely, ”Thank G.o.d for that.” He slumped back into his seat and took his drink, almost sullenly. ”Thank G.o.d. Sorry, Laura love, but you had me there for a moment. The timing...not good.”

”I didn't say-” Laura began, then broke off. She patted his arm. ”Calm down, Dan. I wouldn't do that, I'm not stupid.”

Dan took a huge swig of his drink. ”No, you're not,” he said simply, and gazed around him. Laura breathed again, feeling almost light-headed. Dan said suddenly, ”That's one of the things I've always loved best about you, you know.”

”Me?” Laura said, taken aback. ”Really?”

”Yeah,” Dan said, fiddling with a beer mat. ”You know. You're so...just smart. You know? You make things better. You're organized. You do that job, you know. Help all these kids, give them a better start and s.h.i.+t. And the way you organize things, remember everyone's birthdays, all that stuff. It's...it's...”

He put his pint down and turned to her, and Laura was astounded to see he had tears in his eyes.

”It's...it's just always better when you're in the room.”

Laura had often wondered-ever since the fifth day of b.u.mping into each other at the station and chatting away till they missed two trains, when Dan had said, ”This is ridiculous. Let's meet fifteen minutes earlier. We can have a coffee. Yes?” and she had trotted down onto the Tube platform the next day to find him waiting for her, a smile of welcome on his face, holding a coffee he'd bought from the stall for her-what exactly it was about her that he apparently liked so much that he was willing to risk so much for her, for himself. And now she knew. She was dependable, she was nice. She was organized. She got the job done. A more prosaic-no, boring-set of qualities would be difficult to find, she thought, and had she been displaying any of those qualities lately? No, absolutely not.

She swallowed, trying to look on the bright side, and immediately an image flashed into her head of Amy, stunning, slim Amy, reclining at home, flicking through a magazine, gingerly blowing nail varnish dry on one fingernail. Wearing some exquisite lace and silk nightgown, specifically for lounging around in, probably. Why? Why was Dan...why was he here, with her, then?

She looked at him, swallowed again, and gripped the side of the table. She knew the moment was coming; she could feel it creeping inexorably toward the conversation, like a marching beat. It couldn't be avoided anymore.

”Thank you,” she said.

”I mean it,” Dan said. ”When you're around...I just feel better. You look after me. The way you make breakfast, for instance, and remember I like to put the Marmite on myself.” He ran his hands through his hair. ”That sounds c.r.a.p, but you know what I mean. You listen to me if I've had a bad day.”

And how many times have you ever asked me about my day? Laura suddenly thought. It was a straightforward question, but suddenly she couldn't think why she hadn't thought it before, six, seven months before, ever. How many times? She didn't want to be a boring nice person! She wanted him to see her as the unattainable, the alluring woman of mystery who drove him to the edge of distraction, not...not this. Pleasant. Kind. Ugh.

”And you...I don't know. You care about me, I can tell you stuff. And Amy, she never...Well, to be honest, I just think that's why we don't-” He stopped suddenly. ”Oh, G.o.d.”

”You don't what?” Laura said sharply. ”She never what?”

”I shouldn't complain about her to you,” Dan said. There was a pause, and then he said again, ”It's really good to see you.” He stared at her almost hungrily. ”Oh, Laura. I know we need to talk, but...can't we just leave? Go back to yours? You know-”

”No!” said Laura, much more loudly than she'd meant to. Dan jumped, as did the middle-aged American couple at the table next to them.

”Right, then,” Dan said, smiling at the couple, who obviously thought Dan and Laura were mad. He handed them a napkin to mop up the beer that the husband had spilt, and gave them a charming smile. Laura did, too, and found herself thinking, What a great couple we make.

”No!” she said again, more to herself, and the wife jumped again.

Dan stared at her and said, slightly impatiently, ”Laura, what's going on with you? I'm trying to...to talk to you, to tell you stuff, and-well, you're behaving like a schoolgirl who's afraid she'll be caught for bunking off or something, darling. What's up?”

Laura took a deep breath, and another draught of wine. ”Right. We do need to talk, you're right. What's going on, Dan? What's going on with us? I want...er...I want some answers,” Laura said, holding her nerve.

”Well,” Dan said. He ran his hands through his hair again. ”Darling, I've told you. Well...G.o.d, you know how I feel about you-”

”It's not enough,” Laura said gently. ”It's not enough anymore. Dan, we're going on holiday in two weeks' time, for G.o.d's sake! And you're supposed to be leaving Amy before that. You-you know how I feel about you. This has been going on for-how long is it now-seven months? And we're nowhere nearer than we were at the beginning of it. It's not enough. We have to sort it out. I'm-I'm in love with you. It's killing me, this is. We have to sort it out. Otherwise...”

Laura trailed off. She didn't know what the otherwise was-or, at least, it was too terrifying for her to come out with.

”Otherwise...” she repeated softly, and lowered her head.

Dan took her head in his hands, lifted her face up, and looked at her. He looked serious, more serious than she'd ever seen him.

”Laura...” he said. ”There's something I have to tell you. I didn't want to, but you're going to know sooner or later. G.o.d...I can't believe I'm doing this to you.”

”Wait a minute,” Laura said.

”No, let me finish.” Dan's hands were clammy against her cheeks. ”I didn't want to tell you tonight; I just wanted to see you, for us to have a nice evening, one last night.”

Laura's stomach clenched and she felt sick again. ”What?” she said quietly. ”Dan, what is it?”

”Amy's pregnant, Laura.”

Dan released her, and Laura could feel the dampness his hands left on the sides of her face. He was quite sweaty, she thought, as if watching this scene idly from another room, another life.

”Laura, are you listening?” Dan said sharply.

”Yes...” Laura cleared her throat. ”You...”

Her eyes filled with tears, and one ran down her cheek. She gave a tiny cough, almost a gasp, and sat up straight. No, she wouldn't cry. She would not cry.

”Laura...I wanted to tell you, I've been trying to-”

”How pregnant?” Laura said calmly. ”When's it due? It's yours, I presume?”

”Yes, of course,” Dan said. ”Of course it's mine.” He wiped his hair off his forehead. ”It's...it's due in January.”

”Three months,” Laura said, calmer still. ”She's three months pregnant. How long have you known?”

”About a month. Laura, I've been trying to find a way of telling you. I couldn't...” Dan punched his fist into his thigh. ”I-f.u.c.k. Look, she did it on purpose, I-I didn't want her to get pregnant. I don't know what to do, but I've got to-we're going to make a go of it, I have to. Of course I have to.”

Amy. Of course it wasn't a mistake, Laura thought. Amy was as likely to accidentally get pregnant as hippogriffs and unicorns were to be found wandering in Hyde Park. She had planned this down to the last letter, and Dan-oh, G.o.d, Dan was the sacrificial lamb, and she, Laura...she had to leave. She had to leave, or else break down completely.

Dan was wringing his hands, quite literally clutching them in an agony of inaction. He touched her arm. ”Laura, I know you must hate me. But believe me, I hate myself more. I can't-I've completely screwed this up, my whole life, and hers. And yours, and that's-that's worst of all, because-oh, G.o.d-” He broke off, and buried his head in his elbow.

”I'm going to go,” Laura said, and again she had the sensation of watching herself from another room, from afar, and that other person was cheering her on, saying, Well done, girl, you're doing well.

Dan grabbed her arm as she reached for her bag. ”Listen, Laura. Listen to me, just one thing before you go. Please.”

Laura turned to face him, and looking at him nearly broke her composure, but she steeled herself.

”Look, Laura,” Dan said. ”I realize...it's over now, you and me.”