Part 14 (1/2)

Easy for you to say, you're not here all day

But Warren faces me with the piety of a natural parent Trained to rein in a thoroughbred or wrest a slipper fro pooch, he's disinclined to lose his cool

As he's gathering up household garbage for the dawn pickup, I brillo the blackened pot-roast pan, sla around nails chewed to the quick

At one point he holds up a garbage sack of e, Did you finish a whole case of beer?

Of course not, I tell hihs less than a ht that beer last weekend, he says

Well,hable, as Warren is a fount of discipline, a co ainst oars for an hour at a pop He barely uses a whole pat of butter on a potato He slices turkey thin enough to read through

If you lie to your husband-even about so so banal as howup between you, and when he tells you he loves you, it's deflected away

On the porch again, I scan the snowy landscape with an irritation almost predatory The head can travel a far piece while the body sits in one spot It can traverse many decades, and many conversations can be had, even with the dead Daddy DaddyI say, staring off the dark porch into my snowy yard Before he died, the wordlessness he floated inside during my teen years had become permanent If he roused at all, his head craned around bewildered, and he handled his dead hand like a parcel he'd been asked to hold for a stranger

Yet through alcohol's alchehts his shadowy form stands in the yard behind an old push-type laer Why'd you keep drinking? Why'd you keep drinking? And Daddy, as a shrugger, a starer into distances, shrugs and stares And Daddy, as a shrugger, a starer into distances, shrugs and stares You know You knowThen he dissolves into the falling snow I upend the s to achieve the same blunt, anesthetized state that once snuffed hi every second of those years, but that's my memory of it-the hood was always up ontick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick against the waterproofing against the waterproofing

There's snow insideways My few hopes are desperate ones One key fantasy on the porch-no kidding-is winning the azine sweepstakes I've never entered I habitually filch sweepstakes for circulars Sitting outside by flashlight-have to change that overhead porch bulb-Iup with balloons and chaood story we'll be: two poets win a jackpot

The night ends with a black se, and coht's conviction to quit solid, though it's daunting to face unmedicated whatever's beyond the plastic curtain I'm scared to draw aside

By afternoon I can't abide Mr Rogers asking hbor without a cocktail

20

My Concept of Coive-Chris Smither, No Love Today No Love Today In the sunlit study of a couples' counselor, huge potted plants are thriving-ficus andout sreen Across from us, the therapist smiles from a moon-shaped face In the next rooh violin scales This doctor-in her loose ed into a bun with a pen stuck through it-appears to have cobbled together what I want: a happy fa him cry-the reason we're here

She tries to reassureat each other, doesn't s, she says, but he's in no way neglected (In so your parents circle each other-I still contend-splits a child in two) Warren's just a better parent, I say

Is that true? she asks his in khakis bend and unbend, ood about seeing he plays with other kids all the tiets very overwhelmed and snappish, he finishes

He's perfectly patient with Dev, I say

Well, probably, she tells ht like you, he ht be less perfect

I doubt that, I say She asks me to say more, and I outline Warren's steadiness How his devotion to poetry has inspired rity and self-discipline, saying, I wanted a solid family That's part of why I married him, for the stability he offered

She leads , I say

She eventually turns to Warren Why'd you ether three years We loved each other-health insurance and so forth She verysoh the stone, but he ticks off what ht be qualities in a personals ad-attractive, athletic, smart She's much more social than I, he adds, very loyal, a very devoted mother

Whoever you married would have those qualities, she says

I think heNow he resents my absorption with the baby or that his father chips in my rent! (These pet theories conveniently skim over my own-at this point-innately repellent disposition) That's so damned unfair, he says

It's Warren's turn, the therapist says levelly Toward the end, when she asks how ests I try out an evening support group for people trying to give up booze

She turns to Warren, Do you think she's an alcoholic?

How insulting, I think, and braceup a defense: I've never been five minutes late to pick up Dev I'm a room parent, for God's sake I lead toddlers around the aquarium on a rope

No, he says

(How, sober part of me thinks) But who doesn't? he concludes (Those WASPs down so much sauce-the sober mind observes-that Warren wouldn't know a dipsomaniac if one hit him with a polo mallet) That's the kind of courtroom convened in my skull, prosecution and defense

Back ho, while Dev blanks out at the TV, I sneak around, reaching under beds and into the ha ratholed beer cans and wine bottles Once Warren's home, I drive around to unload them from the hatchback like body parts into du each indifferent proprietor that I'uest

Oneto ja around in et one ar on the floor

I've been pondering the doctor's suggestion as I say to Warren, Let's quit drinking

Sure, Warren says, why not He crimps the top of his lunch sack He, by the way, doesn't need to quit drinking, and being full-ti I'allons I drink

Fro roo to a party

Going after Dev, Warren tells ripe nonstop about our lack of social life He returns with our uette Warren asks me to toss Dev's coat upside down on the floor

Okay, dip and flip, sweetie, Warren says, setting Dev so he stands with his feet at his coat's hood Dev bends over, dips his hands in his coat sleeves, then upends the coat over his head

Good man, I say as Warren starts to clip a mitten to a sleeve